I say girlfriend, but we aren't official as of yet. We've been speaking for three months now and things are starting to progress towards a relationship. This is my first 'proper' relationship and I have been single for four years now; and I'm a seventeen year old male. I've never experienced any sexual encounters with anybody, other than kissing, and even then I still had to be comfortable with it.
I've been taking things slow with her considering it's been a long time that I've been single, and having never been in an adult manner relationship I wanted to make sure she was 'the one'. She's always been in very sexual relationships, and she's mentioned that she is used to having guys 'come onto her' (pun not intended) pretty quickly, however I am not like this. I struggled doing the littlest of things, like hugging her and holding her hand - even telling her that I loved her!
Last night she stayed at my place (her second visit), and let’s just say her 'expectations' were high. She was hoping that she could take my virginity, but I just wasn't ready. This was also the first time we kissed, and even then I still wasn't ready for that - which is strange. I wanted to take things at my own pace and kiss her when I was ready, however she leaned in pretty quick and then it happened from there, but the weird thing is...I didn't really enjoy it - it was as though it was 'forced', and I didn't like that feeling of it not happening naturally.
We had dinner and sat on the sofa and I wasn't feeling very well (much to her disapproval) as it meant she couldn't get laid (not that I was ready for that anyway). Her idea of 'making me feel better' was to make out with me, and she ended up forcing herself onto me and I just went with the flow, but then again I still felt as though I wasn't enjoying it and spent the night overthinking why I didn't. I know most guys can get hard from the littlest things such as that, but I felt nothing...now maybe this is because we aren't at a status yet, or maybe it's because it didn't happen the way I wanted to...which is naturally...and I also felt uncomfortable in a sense that she thought I was that easy. I still find it strange that somebody likes me, and honestly thought I would be single the rest of my life…could this be why I’m so funny about this kind of stuff?
She ended up being really annoyed and thought that I was purposely trying to say I was ill to get out of having sex with her. Not only am I not ready, but I have BDD and severe anxiety which leaves me not wanting me to show her my body and such, so they all contribute to rejection of sex (however she doesn't know this). I found that when I was in bed with her, she kept laying into me to get sex out of me, and I didn't like it because I knew it wasn't what I wanted at that time. I always see these kind of things as stuff that should happen when they happen, and not be planned, as I see that as the best way around things like that. Now, I'm not gay; and I'm not going to lie and say I haven't 'thought' over it, but I'm not. I spent so long being rejected and such by girls that I thought dating women was pointless if I was going to get rejected, so I found myself showing no interest in anybody to clear my mind. However this lead me to masturbating to the idea of what girls see as a 'perfect guy', you know...the abs and the thin body, facial features and such, and I found myself assessing guys more often than women (but in nothing more than a physical way). I would never be with a man, nor could I ever imagine it, but because I have the habit of masturbating to what I did...I worry it will affect me in the bedroom.
I did wake up with 'morning glory' but it didn't last very long as it normally would. I've always been brought up to respect women and not just have sex with them for no reason, so I'm saving my virginity for the right person (which I think is her). I am forever becoming worried now that because I didn't enjoy the kissing that much, and with what happened in my past, will affect how I work around the whole 'sex' thing with her, when the time comes.
Is this all in my head, and is my anxiety and BDD contributing to these worries? Am I just overthinking? Should I just take it slow, or tell her to slow down a little? I have no idea what to do. To me, I was willing to wait it out to even kiss her, never mind have sex, because I wanted to know she was the one. But because she just ran straight into it, I couldn’t determine whether or not she was the one, because it didn’t happen how I wanted it to...I mean…I was still trying to find the right time to told her hand!!
I appreciate any help/advice given. Thank you.
J
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Hi J,
What makes you think she is the "one" for you? If you aren't sure your feelings may be why you're not ready to go further.
There is nothing wrong with moving slow. There is nothing wrong with not having sex.
Take your time. If she loves you she will understand why you want to move slowly. Sex by itself WILL NOT make a relationship. There needs to be a solid commitment to each other and trust.
Hope it helps.
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Hi Dan,
Thanks for the reply. I'm still trying to establish whether or not she is the one for me which is why I wanted to take it slow. It's been a long time that I found trust in somebody who accepted me for me, and the whole kissing and sex aspect of a relationship is almost surreal to me because I never thought I would get to that stage in my life. I think there's a reason we aren't together yet, but that being said I was going to ask her while we were laying in bed if we should make it official...but the fact I found the kissing so dis-pleasing made me reconsider and I never bothered because I didn't know what/how I felt at the time.
I can tell from the way she works that she is a fast mover. She is a virgin to an extent (tried but never went through), however she has done oral many times (from what she's told me). She said she's happy with the pace. I was still trying to build up towards kissing her, because I was the one who wanted to make the first move, but when she went for it I was too overwhelmed that I ended up giving her the cheek...(and she didn't seem happy)...so to make up for it I just kissed her randomly when we were talking.
This is what I keep telling myself, that sex isn't the meaning of a relationship. I've heard of couples (who have been together over a solid year) still surviving on only oral (and even the thought of that terrifies me with my issues and all), if not ANY sex or oral.
I was up for it this coming week, but when it came to the opportunity, I just smacked it in the face and wanted none of it because I was too uncomfortable with it happening so soon (and yes, reality check hit me and I feel stupid for being game for it so suddenly). I just don't what to do, or how to feel right now.
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J, you are 17. You will have many more opportunities to find that special someone - if you haven't yet, in the future. You may just not be ready for this level of commitment yet and that's OK.
Don't be in a rush to "grow up." You don't have to.
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