BP Girlfriend of 5 Years
First of all, I am not writing this looking for answers or help on how to deal with my current situation. I write more to share my story of the past 5 years with a girl who is BiPolar that I loved…wait LOVE very much. Although I don’t have any questions to be answered, I DO welcome comments and any support that anyone wishes to give as I prepare to move on with my life, leaving behind some of what felt like the BEST times of my life (while I was in it), but when written down and read, probably the worst 5 years of my life.
I met my girlfriend about 5 years ago and we instantly hit it off well. After the first night meeting, we Literally spent the next 3 weeks together, everyday (outside of work). She introduced me to her 1 year old son, which was from her previous marriage that ended a couple years prior and her son was explained to be a happy Surprise that happened shortly after their separation. Anyhow, the next few months, were fantastic! We had a wonderful time and enjoyed each other’s company very much. It was not hard for me to fall in love with her very quickly. And being a loving single dad, I fell for her son easily as well.
Around the time that we both expressed our feelings for each other, she shared with me that she had BiPolar disorder that was diagnosed when she was 18 during a bad Manic Episode that had her hospitalized for a short term. Now I have not had ANY experience with Bipolar disorder, so I took it as, she’s just moody sometimes, foolishly. And I grew up in a house with many siblings so I dealt with many different personalities over the years and thought it was not going to be that big of an issue, especially given how great she was to this point. So we carried on with our relationship. A little while after, some big changes happened, She lost her Job, Had trouble affording her apartment, and was not receiving support for her Ex. So I invited her to move in with me.
Now life continued good for a couple of months after that… but then I seen a change in her mood and personality, and Even Sex drive. She was more lazy than usual, picked up a few extra pounds, and was not as sexually aroused as she normally was. Then I noticed that her sleeping pattern changed. She wen’t days with out sleeping for more than a couple hours each night. She began to also get a little more “Snippy” at the people around her, including me. Then one night, after a shouting match with my then 11 year old son, she got HER son and took off to her moms house without anything being said. I did not hear from her for a week. And I am not the person to chase after someone that does that. After a week, She contacted me saying that she was going to come pick up her things in the next day or so… she did and then I did not hear from her. I WAS DEVISTATED! I fell into a small depression my self over the event, and mostly, I believe was because of not being able to understand why it was all happening. A couple weeks past, and a friend of hers, who I have always known as her “best friend”, which we all would frequently spend time with, started coming around the house, to “Check in on me and my son”. During the next month and a half Best friend came frequently and was very comforting about the situation. She then began “SHARING” things about my girlfriend and supposed Infidelities that happened a couple of times while we were together. I took this very badly. And as Best friend made advances at me, I began to give in to them. We became physical and dated. I knew I was not ready to move on, but I was in such a crappy place emotionally I just went with it. Now before judgement is past on me, I know NOW that I was wrong for putting myself in this situation but at the time, I was trying NOT to feel , therefore I may have also hindered my thinking. After about a month of dating, and close to 3 months to not hearing a word from my ex girlfriend, She shows up at my doorstep one morning and discovers her friend at my house, and I admit to the situation. As you can guess, Big scene erupts, and Ex GF takes off.
3 weeks later, I get a call from Ex GF saying she wants to talk… She says to me that she wants to work things out. After 3 months of going back and forth, we decide to give it another shot, I break things completely off with Best friend, and My girlfriend moves back closer to my son and I. She does not move in with me, which we both agree that it was not a good idea yet to do so.
Anyways the next 2 years are full of MANY ups and downs, which are kicked off by episodes but then fueled by resentment from her of WHAT I DID.
About a month ago, we decided (more so on her urging) that we should move back in together. I decided to agree and so I did not have to expose my son to any issues concerning her, I decided to have my EX Wife and her Fiancé rent my house where my son will reside so he did not have to change schools, and get an apartment with my GF.
We spent a month finding a place, then another couple weeks planning our move. She seemed excited about it. And that made me excited about it. Then the morning that we were supposed be moving, I get a text from her simply saying “I cant do this”. Confused, I go to her house to see what is going on. She flies into a verbal rage going on how she does not love me and she cant move in with me. And of course, other than confused, I was kind of pissed because this was mostly her idea.
Any how, I leave, Calmly ask her to not contact me as this may be the last straw for us. I move MY stuff in to the Apartment. 6 Days later I get a phonecall from her saying that she is sorry that she didn’t mean what she said and that she wants to be with me. Like before, I quickly say Ok and begin moving her stuff in. During the first week she is here, she displays the same personalities and moods that she did in the past when she up and left 2 years ago. And after that week, she wakes me up in the middle of the night to “Talk”. And unloads she A LOT of stuff on me. The following day I decide that we need a lil time from each other… Maybe more so I need it from her. So I let her know that I will not be home that night. But after about midnight, I decide to go home. When I get home ALL her and her sons things were gone. No note… nothing. I get a text from her about an hour later that she left my key out front under a rock. And I haven’t heard from her since. Its been a week. I am lead to believe that she is seeing again, someone she had a brief interlude with during one of our short breakups.
During our time together, I spent countless hours reading books on Bipolar relationships in an attempt to make it work as I feel like I love her AND her son (Who calls me dad) very much. But I am beginning to realize that there is NO amount of patience or understanding of the disorder that I can have, to make with work. Especially when she refused to help herself. She refuses to takes meds, and has not sought out a Dr to talk to about her disorder. She has always made promises of at minimum of seeing a psych, but has never taken action on it. Coming to terms with the fact that this will not work because SHE will not take care of herself.
I began reading these Blogs on Bipolar relationships about a year ago while we were going through our ups and downs and ins and outs. And at times, like now, it has given me some comfort knowing that I am not alone in this situation. That others have put themselves out there and at times over extended themselves as well to make a bipolar relationship work. So I share MY STORY in hopes that it helps the next person, or provides some comfort in the fact that they are NOT alone. Because at times, while in a Bipolar relationship, the one without the condition feels as alone as the one with.
Now I expect that at some point I will hear from her… be it another week, Month, or years. I just pray that I have the strength and the LOGIC and RATIONALE to make the Right choices for ME! Knowing now what I do about BPD I would have not chosen to continue to see her in the beginning when she told me about her condition. And although I love her VERY MUCH, I do not think I can continue ANY TYPE of relationship with her without proper medication and counseling for her. I don’t feel like I am abandoning her, she has a semi decent support group of Family, but at the head of it is her mother, who also has the disorder, and has already lived a life that her daughter seems intent on following.
Thanks for your Time!
Hi, I have been going through what you are experiencing for over 10 years with very little committment. Its a back and forth thing just like you. Its so hard to really understand what I actually love about this person because my life has been alot like you describe. Except in my case my boyfriend has undiagnosed personality disorder. He refuses to see the turmoil he creates within the relationship with his constant screaming and yelling and if he doesnt get his way. God help me. I get the silent treatment which can go on for days, weeks, even years.Just like you the beginning of our relationship was amazing but now looking back I'm beginning to wonder if the person I've been chasing never existed because that person only lasted for a few short months. I just feel like I had a target on my back when he found me and sucked me in. If that makes any sense to you. They prey on your weaknesses. My ex would cry how all his ex's would cheat on him. Just a hint for me to live up to be a better girlfriend. I would never live up to his standards. Can I give you 1 bit of advice? It took me 10 years to figure out my mistake. I lacked " BOUNDARIES" I read this quote and it really makes sense for this type of person they know exactly what they are doing maybe it will help you too. I cried when I read it. I took a photo of it and kept it in my phone and when I think of giving us another chance I read it. I hope it helps u. You deserve better. Here goes:: "The more chances you give someone the less respect they'll start to have for you. They begin to ignore the standards you set because they know another chance will always be given. They're not afraid to lose u because no matter what u wont walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting u". I know you didn't want answers on how to deal with your situation , I'm just asking you to consider 5 years enough. It took me 10 years and nearly a nervous breakdown which in turn I was demoted on my job of 15 years at that time. I was so wrapped up in trying to figure this out I couldn't think straight. I take full responsibility but when your in the storm you can't see what's happening to you. The crazy part is I'm the one that ended up in counseling and thats where I figured out what was going on. When I met him I was in a great place in my life. I was newly single divorced mom of 3, had a great job, my own home, financially indepedant, confident, and loving life. I've always prided myself on never needed a man to take care of me. I wanted a man that would be proud of my contribution if that makes any sense. We never lived together. He could never make a committment. He was a grown man that lived with his parents. Yup that was always a red flag but I gave him a pass.(boundaries) Now mind you this guy did not pay my bills or buy me expensive gifts but would call me a gold digger. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and once choked me. He would never acknowledge that he put his hands on me because he thought I was trying to tape him. He was like your girlfriend would go off for weeks at a time where I never heard from him. I didn't know him very well at first that I was getting the Silent Treatment something but I too am not a chaser. But often I would go to an event and he would be there with other women. Sure it hurt, if only I just left for good then. So I eventually started to date well thats when he would come back. I think he tracked me on the internet. He was extremely jealous of everything including my commitment to my kids to coparent with my ex in positive way. He would never come before my kids EVER!! and I would never fight with anyone over a man EVER. If a man doesn't want me. I walk away. I have been told Iam very attractive and have never had a problem getting a date. I have friends that are asking about setting me up with someone but I am not ready. I think I should stay single. My family thinks I should get back out there and date. I'm so scared if that makes any sense...Its been 4 mo. I feel so isolated because of him. I feel like I have to start all over and don't know where to begin. Its overwhelming. I could write a book. I'm just asking you to decide that 5 years is enough. That chaos is addicting and feels like love but its not. Give yourself the gift of a new life this year.