To start off, let me give some backround, i am an 18 year old male, and for some time i have had a slight suspicion that i was sexually abused at some point when i was little. I have no actual memories of any such acts, however, i exhibit behavior that i have been told is that of someone who has suffered sexual abuse. For starters, i started masterbating at what i believe to be the rather young age of about 8 or 9. I was always into girls throughout middle school and high school, all boys are. but my mind always seemed to be more sexually occupied than others. Throughout middle school and high school, i suffered from severe depression, isolation, and heavy addictions to drugs including heroin. Around the time i got heavy into heroin, i started to occasionally prostitute myself to men for drugs. While this is not at all uncommon for heroin users, the thing i found disturbing was that i actually seemed to be getting some sort of sick pleasure out of it. Having a guy use me was some how pleasurable in a sick way :$ ....This launched a whole other inner debate of whether i was straight or bi. I liked girls, and i was seemingly getting some pleasure out of being with men, however, the thing was, right after i would "get with" a guy, i would go home and cry and ask why i was acting like this. I felt dirty being so permiscuous...and for some reason it felt good...Now i am clean off heroin, yet i still find myself going with random guys. While i suppose it does feel "good" in a sexual sense, it seems that i tend to be getting more pleasure out of being used and being "dirty"...Im so confused. I am told that abuse survivors exhibit these behaviors, yet i remember nothing. Is it possible that something could have happened that i do not remember?
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Well, first off, victims vary in how they react. Um, typically one remembers negative things.. its the chemical reaction in the brain, but there have been cases where you force yourself to forget because it is too painful. Little kids masturbate even earlier, we all have, girls rub themselves on furniture and guys do too.. 8-9 isn't really early in the age.
I won't tell you that you weren't, but I also can't say you were. Go by what you think it is. When exactly did this feeling start though? Was it after the heroin and after the prostitution? I mean, you have to look at it in all ends. Does that make sense?
It is also harder for men with any form of abuse, because of how the society looks upon a man. All I can say is, look at it from all sides, and I hope that you weren't abused.. i really do.
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That is quite a story. Let me first clear up something, there was absolutely nothing abnormal about masturbating at eight years old, in my experience I found out that boys are able to masturbate as young as five years old. It is possible that there was some molestation in your younger years and I advise that you seriously consider seeing a therapist that knows about the stuff. I relate to boyhood molestation because I to was molested from ages 9 to 11 years old. He was my adult cousin and it did completely alter my way of thinking. He caused me to in later years to become sexually dysfunctional. My best friend and I would often take our clothes off when we went swimming or camping but in a way that sort of thing was completely normal. We also would learn about each other's bodies and we would masturbate together, never touching each other or anything. But I did for a time think that I might be gay seeing that my first idea of sex, that is unwanted sex, was with a male. I too enjoyed looking at my friends naked bodies but again I figured it was normal curiosity. But throughout my life I still enjoyed looking at pictures of naked men and not so much women. Although throughout my life my relationships have been with women they would just fall apart because of my lack of commitment or trust. So you need to explore this further. Talk to someone about it and maybe the memories may come back and you can then deal with them...
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