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Dear ConfusedTeen
"Am I wrong for deciding to be celibate?". Not at all, many choose to be celibate until marriage anyway. Sex is best saved for marriage.
"Should I go back on my choice, even if I don't want to at all?" Certainly not! Don't let anyone force you to change. Many lose their virginity in their teens and regret it; often it is because of pressure. (If you get married you will need to change your mind about celibacy!)
"What difference does it make if I made this decision at 9 or some older age like 25?" If you lose your virginity, you can never regain it, even though you may subsequently become celibate.
First time sex is not always painful (and first-time only happens once!). Also sex in itself is not something to be terrified of (t has been popular sine Adam & Eve). If a vagina can stretch to allow a baby to be born, it can accommodate the largest penis!
Your decision also has a religious aspect to it, and this is important. What is your religious conviction?
You have made a very wise choice. A breath of fresh air!
If you want further help or discuss this further, you can message me if you wish.
Take Care. Be Strong.
I hope this helps.
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I'm sorry to hear you are terrified of sex. Sex is the most wonderful thing two people in love can enjoy. It is truly a gift from god to us. No other animal has the enjoyment that we humans do. They do it stictly for the purose of reproducing. We have such an intricate mechanism that is capable of such pleasure it can only be a gift from God.
Deciding to stay celibate is a personal choice and you should not let anyone influence your decision. No one has any right to tell you you should or shouldn't. You may marry a guy who really appreciates that fact. I was almost 26 when I got married and I was a virgin. I don't think my wife believes it but that's the way it is. I had some very good experience doing everything but intercourse so she figures I must have done that too.
You don't need to prove anything to anybody, you do it for yourself.
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Oh honey! I can certaintly sympathise with you- I felt very, very much the same way at the age of 14. I was petrified of sex, for much the same reasons you are. To me (at that age- not now I might add!), penis' looked disgusting and I couldn't figure out how a woman could feel any pleasure from them! I'd also walked-in on my parents, at around the age of 8 or 9, while they were having sex and I remember thinking that it looked like my dad was hurting my mum. When they explained what they were doing, I was convinced the woman got the raw deal! As I got older- and got 'The Talk'- my mum skipped the emotional explanation to sex and went headlong in the physical explanation....oh and she drilled it in to my head that sex=baby=end of life & no future.
By this time, I was pretty sure that I was never having sex. Ever.
Then we had a video at school. The type everyone has seen- a woman going in to labour, giving birth, happy mum & dad, etc, ect. While everyone else was making jokes, getting embarrased, recalling tales of their aunt/mother/whoever giving birth- I was throwing up. I hated the idea of giving birth. I hated the idea of sex. I hated the idea of it all. By age 16, I was ready to be a nun....just one problem- I didn't (and still don't) believe in God.
And there were other things too- general beliefs that were part of my culture and class. By the time I was 16, I knew at least 3 girls that had babies. I was still a virgin and hadn't even got beyond kissing a boy at that point. I didn't want to become another statistic. To me, the girls having sex at that age were all putting themselves up to be young mum's. I also had very low confidence- I really had hang-ups, not only about sex, but about my body and intimacy in general.
I eventually lost my virginity at 18. I'd started hanging around with people that were much more sexually relaxed & knowledgable than my peers and family. There were some strong women in the group and they taught me that sex is actually more powerful in the hands of a woman, than a man. Sex can be pleasurable, relaxing, exhilirating and most of all, it's natural.
I can't say I was sexually confident from the first time. My first time was governed by alcohol; I got plastered and had a one-night-stand, just to get it over and done with. It certainly wasn't a bad experience and contrary to old-wives tales- it didn't hurt. The most uncomfortable thing was the following morning; it felt as if I'd pee'd myself! Over the years (I'm in my late 30's now), I've had many lovers and each of them have taught me something different. I also have a child and while child-birth isn't the most comfortable experience in the world- it's not half as bad as the video made it look and certainly not as messy!
The reason I've rambled on is because I want you to pause with your decision right now. You will change; your outlook on life will change. The fears and apprehension you have now will not be the same when you are 16, 18 and beyond. To make a decision at 14 that effects the rest of your life is not making you look mature or grown-up. Instead, you are demonstrating that you have a young mind and an unreal concept of time. However....
I don't think you should go back on your decission. Not yet. It's your decission for now and at 14, you shouldn't even be considering sex, so taking a vow of celibacy is quite sensible thing to do at that age. But don't make it a decission for life, as you will eventually change your mind. Right now, you have anxieties surrounding sex. For what reasons, I don't know, but I'm guessing a lack of education. Don't get me wrong, I know you've had 'The Talk' (you say it happened at 9), but it obviously hasn't given you the 'other' information on sex; that it can be a wonderful, releasing pleasure or that it's an expression of love and the soul (even if it is with a one-nighter, it can still be a soulful experience and about the love felt in that moment in time!).
First time sex doesn't hurt for everyone and tbh, the hymen- the membrane that gets broken in first time sex (and supposedly causes the pain)- can break through exercise, before sexual activity happens. First time sex is usually tense, so that adds to the discomfort.The best way to ensure it doesn't hurt is to be relaxed; have plenty of foreplay & touching in the run up and possibly use lubrication. <<This bit is for information purposes only. I know you're exercising celibacy right now, but this is just in case you change your mind in the DISTANT future....plus it's education!
Take heart, little one~ when the time is right, you will be glad you dumped the vow of celibacy (just make sure that that time happens when you are of the legal age & with the right person, in comfortable surroundings....oh and use protection!!)
My best wishes
V
P.S- Njoylife- Dolphins and a breed of chimpanzee- Bonobos- also have sex for pleasure. It ain't just humans! ;o)
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Hi there Confusedteen. I understand that sex can be scary and very painful on a young female if you/or partner don't know what you are doing. I honestly think this is the best decision i have heard out of a teenagers mouth in a long time. I am 20 years old and as you can tell my screen name is teenmom, I got pregnant when I was 15 and had my son and got married at 16. Sex is a very valuable and special thing and it shouldn't be shared with a lot of people. Your body is your sacred grounds and NO ONE can tell you what to do with it. I believe your decision is great and this means you can focus more on your education and future. Most parents would be relieved to hear that their little girl wants to be celibate or at least be celibate for now. It is tuff having sex and trying to be the person pleasuring the partner. It is nerve racking when you have to think if your doing it right etc. etc. and its definitely hard trying to raise a child at a young age. And maybe this time you are being celibate you can do actual research so you will be prepared for when you are ready (protection, diseases, etc.) So now just get prepared and be ready and don't be afraid to ask your partner questions when the time comes about different diseases and how many sexual partners so forth. Im not trying to scare you more I just want to help you be prepared either way. Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to :)
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Dear teenmom
It's heartwarming to hear you giving the benefit of your experience in great advice. Thank you.
I would add regarding your comment "It is tuff having sex and trying to be the person pleasuring the partner. It is nerve racking when you have to think if your doing it right etc. etc." that in marriage both spouses have an equal responsibility to satisfy the other. But there is often unwarranted pressure on the unmarried girl to 'prove herself''. This sometimes transfers into marriage too.
Seems like your son has a great mom!
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