What Should "Nice" People Do?

Is it time to stop being so nice?

If you're a nice person, you don't have to quit cold-turkey. You don't have to go from doing the shopping for the frail old lady down the road to driving past her, shouting expletives through the rolled-down window, your hair slicked back and hard-rock blasting from the stereo.

However, it is time for you to stop being compliant.

Then, rather than being a "nice" people-pleaser, you can take control of your life as a strong, mature adult.

Step One: Stop deferring to others

You go out to see a movie with a friend. You kind of like the comedy, but your friend says, "Shall we go see the drama?" Shrugging, you pin on a smile, and say "Whatever you want." You're out for dinner with your partner. You like Italian. Your partner suggests Thai. Smiling, you mumble, "If you like."

Stop it.

No-one wants to take all the weight of decision-making. It's exhausting. But, also, by not giving an opinion, you risk becoming a shadow. A full life requires you to have preferences and state them.

What should I do? If asked for your opinion, state it. Practise stating your opinions: Write down what your favourite movie, food, book, song... You want Italian, say so. You'd like to see the comedy, suggest seeing the drama next time. Worthy partners and true friends will want you to state your opinions. Your opinions are part of what they love about you.

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Step Two: Stop saying "Yes" when you should say "No"

You've already agreed to Meals on Wheels deliveries, overtime at work, and picking your friend's daughter up from childcare. Then your sister calls. Could you run her daughter to ballet practice and pick her up again. You tot it up. If you do as your sister asks, you'll leave home at six and won't get home 'til nine at night. But you don't want to let your sister down.

If "not wanting to let people down" is your reason for making commitments, stop.

What should I do? Lay out all your activities and commitments from the last two weeks. Divide them into activities you enjoyed, ones that made you anxious/tired/angry/stressed, and ones that were neutral. For the next month, try to prioritise commitments that you enjoy, and commit to fewer activities that cause negative emotions.

Step Three: Stop saying "No" when you should say "Yes"

You're redecorating and a friend asks if they can help. You smile, "No".

The corollary to taking on too much because you fear letting people down, the people-pleaser often refuses to accept help because they feel they don't deserve it. Because of that, "nice" people don't get the support they need.

What should I do? Ask your closest friends to always ask "Are you sure?" when you refuse their help. But also try to get into the habit of asking for help, rather than offering it. Ask a close friend if they could watch your child so you and your partner could have a romantic night out. Don't worry about being judged; good friends will be happy to see you have a little time to yourself.

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Step Four: Stop bottling up your feelings

Most people find it hard to complain or boast. However, keeping your feelings to yourself isn't healthy. The more you bottle-up your feelings, the more you can feel that your feelings and opinions aren't worth saying.

What should I do? Come to an agreement with a friend: every time you meet, you each get ten or fifteen minutes to vent. You can complain about every little niggle, brag about every achievement. Neither will criticise or advise the other. It's strictly an opportunity to release your feelings.

Useful phrases to learn

If someone approaches you about doing something you don't want to do, learn these useful ways to say "no":

• "I'd rather not, but you have fun."
• "I'm sorry. I can't fit that into my schedule right now."
• "I don't feel like doing that - how about we do this instead?"
• "I'd have to know more about the situation before I could agree to that."
• "I wouldn't want to take on a task and do a poor job, so I'm going to say no."
• "No, I don't have the time, but thank you for asking me."

And, for the persistent asker: "Thank you for offer to [go to the Museum of Buckles and Buttons and Bows/babysit your triplets with their adorable habits of kicking my car-seats and calling me the b-word], but I've already explained that I'm not interested in doing so, and I won't change my mind. Please don't ask again."

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Do I have to stop being nice?

There's a difference between being a good person and being a "nice" one. A good person is one who doesn't try to be offensive, isn't cruel and who has reasonable manners. That's is not a bad thing to be. You can be a good person and still be an assertive person. The danger is in being a "nice" person: one of those passive-aggressive souls who hides their anxieties beneath a mask of sweet compliance.

You should aim to stop being "nice": to stop saying yes to every request (especially the ones that fill you with dread), stop refusing help that's offered, stop always putting your needs last, and stop deferring to everyone else. You can never be happy while you are hovering on the outskirts of your own life.

Aim to let others know that you know you are a strong person with opinions, value and achievements.

You can ditch the first without losing the second.