Dating Someone With PTSD: What Do You Need To Know?

PTSD isn't an easy disorder to live with. As its symptoms and the trauma that led to them taint everything from the sufferer's sense of self and mood to their relationship with the people in their lives and their perception of the world at large, it's no surprise that post-traumatic stress disorder has also been shown to leave a big mark on romantic relationships. 

Before I was ready to tackle this topic, I roamed the internet to see what's already out there in the way of tips for people in relationships with partners who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. I found plenty of stuff written by people whose significant others had PTSD, but the voices of folks who have PTSD themselves were hard to come by.

That's a loss, I think, so I'm happy to be your host for today as someone who was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and has been in treatment for it. I'll share what I'd have wanted anyone who might have considered dating me when I was in the thickest thick of PTSD to know — both to decide whether they really wanted such a relationship, and to make it work if they did. 

You can't 'fix' your partner with PTSD

One "what you should know if you're dating someone with PTSD" article I read quickly mentioned that post-traumatic stress disorder is a treatable condition. That means that even if your partner or romantic interest is currently plagued by severe daily PTSD symptoms that touch every aspect of their lives, they're not doomed to live that way forever. They can get better. As a partner, the article said, you can encourage your other half to seek treatment or continue attending treatment. 

Don't be in a relationship with someone who has PTSD with the idea that you can help them recover from it and then everything will be fine. Definitely don't be in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer to "save" them. Only be in a relationship with someone with PTSD if you want to be with the person they are now. 

Learning about PTSD can help you better understand your partner

Re-experiencing symptoms such as nightmares and flashbacks and avoidance ones like, well, staying away from places, people, and circumstances that remind someone with PTSD of their trauma are among the better-known ways in which this trauma-related anxiety disorder can manifest. 

The symptoms covered in criteria D and E of the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders' section about PTSD may be harder for partners to cope with, however.

Mood and thinking are, by definition, negatively impacted by post-traumatic stress disorder. Your partner may experience memory gaps, feel detached from other people, be saddled with immense feelings of guilt and self-blame, and find it incredibly hard to trust people. They may find it hard to get really interested in events that are important to you, and be so emotionally numb that they're unable to genuinely feel positive emotions. 

Even when positive emotions are numbed into non-existence, fear and anger often survive — together with other hyper-arousal symptoms like always being on guard against a new danger and easily being startled, even by completely innocent things. 

PTSD does manifest differently in different people, mind you, so don't just read about the kinds of things people with PTSD experience — ask your partner what it's like for them. When you understand what triggers your partner and what they struggle with, you'll know, for instance, that throwing them a surprise birthday party might be a really bad idea, or understand where the sudden anger comes from if you ever happen to come up on them from behind to rub their shoulders. 

Understanding how PTSD affects your partner hopefully means you'll be able to avoid a heap of situations that would be unpleasant for you both.

Your partner's PTSD will impact your own life

You may end up missing out on holidays or events with large crowds that you really wanted to go to because they are triggering for your other half. You may adjust the way you speak or physically approach your partner to prevent startle responses or angry outbursts. You may take over tasks that your partner finds triggering, such as shopping.

If you encourage your partner to seek or continue treatment and listen to them as they talk about the traumatic events they have been through — as many people in relationships with PTSD sufferers do — you will also be exposed to details that could be deeply disturbing to you, even, in some cases, to the point that your own mental health suffers. 

Frankly, I don't envy the people who were closest to me when my PTSD symptoms were at their most severe — but I am grateful that they were there. I'm certainly not suggesting that you turn your back on a date or a partner you're getting more serious with just because they have suffered trauma. You do, however, need to be prepared for the impact your partner's symptoms could have on you.