Does Your Therapist Suck? Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

If you require therapy, you will naturally hope to find a good, competent therapist. One of those wise souls who listen attentively, show compassion and offer constructive solutions. But what if you find a bad therapist? How do you spot one of those parasitical professionals who don't help you and may actually re-traumatise you?

They can be surprisingly hard to spot. Not ever therapist with thirty years' experience and published articles will be compassionate and have your best interests at heart.

Yet we often find it hard to break away from a therapeutic relationship. If we find an experienced and respected practitioner, we may find it impossible to believe that they aren't thinking about our wellbeing. We reason that they wouldn't be so respected if there was something wrong with their therapeutic process. 

So how can you spot a bad therapist, and what should you do if your therapist sucks (or is actually damaging to your mental health)?

They Don't Respect Your Time

A good therapist will be attentive when you're in a session with them. All non-essential phone-calls will go unanswered (and if they must answer an essential phone-call, they will always apologize), and (unless they suffer from hypoglycemia) they will not eat in your session. A bad therapist will answer their phone with impunity and will not apologize (because they consider their time to be more important than yours) and may eat throughout your session, whether it occurs at a mealtime or not.

If your therapist does not respect your time, and is not attentive during your session, it's time to look elsewhere. You can never respect yourself when your therapist doesn't respect you.

"It's All About Me!"

Therapy can be a selfish process. But it's not meant to be selfish for the therapist! If your therapist seems to be constantly talking about their lives, their problems, the difficulties they've experienced, their jobs and their families, it could be a sign that they're more concerned about themselves than about your recovery.

Of course, you shouldn't leave your therapist the minute they mention their own life. Many therapists do discuss difficulties they've faced in an effort to connect with their client. But remember that the majority of every session should focus on your needs. If your therapist takes every opportunity for self-aggrandizement (or likes to begin sentences with, "Well, as I said in my very popular speech to the American Psychological Association..."), the time may have come to find someone less self-absorbed.

READ Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Exercises You Can Do At Home Without A Therapist

You've Been Seeing Your Therapist Longer Than Your Partner

A therapeutic relationship is not a marriage, but a short-term relationship that is meant to yield personal gains before you move on. If you have been seeing your therapist for many years, it's time to consider if you're still getting anything out of it. Some people see one therapist for 20 years or more before changing therapist;  due to being more in-sync with their new therapist, they may only require 10 to 20 further sessions before not requiring therapeutic support anymore.

More Signs It's Time To Ditch Your Therapist

Your Therapist Attempts To Begin A Relationship With You

Therapy is an opportunity for the client to learn how to function better as an individual, not a chance for your therapist to find dates. Be aware of any sexual relationship with your therapist, including your therapist telling sexual jokes (or any joke that makes you feel uncomfortable), asking to meet you outside of therapy, initiating uninvited physical touch (such as hugging), gift-giving, telling you they love you or that you're special, or arranging appointments for times when there's no-one else at the office.

Therapy can be a confusing process. You may even develop feelings for your therapist. But these feelings should never be reciprocated. Therapists receive training in how to handle romantic feelings in their patients and any therapist who shows signs of reciprocation is taking advantage of your vulnerability.

Be aware, too, of any therapist wanting to be your "friend". Competent therapists do not make friends with their patients, and even asking your patient to become your platonic theater-buddy is an abuse of the therapeutic process.

You Live From Therapy Session To Therapy Session

How do you feel when you leave therapy? Do you feel ready to face the world, refreshed and renewed, or do you count the number of days until your next therapy session? If you don't mostly leave refreshed and renewed, that could be a sign of a problem. Therapy is meant to support you in the living of your life, not to become your life. If you feel you're barely living from therapy session to therapy session, that could be a sign that the therapist is not supporting your recovery but is striving to keep you dependent on their treatment.

Every Spare Penny Goes To Pay For Your Therapy

Are you working to pay for therapy? You shouldn't be. Therapy should aim to make you able to lead a productive life without them, not take every penny you have until you're broke and your therapist tosses you aside. If you can't comfortably afford therapy, but still require treatment, a competent therapist will offer to refer you on to a good clinic that charges only what you can afford.

They Don't Understand Your Issue

If you've been abused, there's no point in seeing a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. If you had uterine fibroids, would you go to an ophthalmologist and say, "I know it's not what you'd normally treat, but I thought you could take a stab at it"? A competent therapist will be able to tell you that something is not their specialism and will be happy to refer you to a colleague who understands your problem better.

Always ask how many clients with your specific issue your therapist has treated. If they say "some", or "a few", look elsewhere. You need a therapist who has treated dozens, or hundreds of patients with your issue. A good therapist will have no problem with you finding someone else.

Their Advice Is Against Your Belief System

A good therapist can work around your value system, and will understand and accept your beliefs as the boundaries they are to work within. If they attempt to mock, subvert or change your beliefs, it might be time to find someone else.

You Feel Ashamed After Sessions

Therapy is meant to make you feel safe and validated. It is designed to help you work through the hurts you have experienced and to resolve personal conflicts. The therapist's office should be a safe environment, where you can express your deepest thoughts without fear of censure. If you don't feel validated after sessions, and do not find your therapist's office safe, it's time to find a new therapist.

Something Doesn't Feel Right

Finally, if anything feels "wrong", no matter how hard it is to articulate, and especially if it's causing you to dodge your sessions, the time has come to look elsewhere.

READ Cognitive Therapy Exercises

My Therapist Sucks. What Do I Do?

If your therapist sucks, it's time to move on. A bad therapist will do more harm than good and cost a lot of money, too. Use the American Psychological Association's Psychologist Locator or the online directory of the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists, and find a new therapist.

Remember, you deserve the respect and dignity of being treated by a therapist who is right for you.