after 7 years on subs im qutting, and it sucks!!!!

hows it going,  im 25 years old been using percs/oxy/heroin since i was 15, at 18 i was put on suboxone and now current day after constantly slipping up doing heroin a day after taking my suboxone, barely getting high shooting 5 bundles in my arm a day, i decided to exile myself to my mothers house 1000 miles away where i cant even get a sack of weed if i tried. so its a good place to be because i cant make a phone call and be high 10 mins later, i took the suboxone too early after using heroin and sent myself into reverse withdrawal, i was hallucinating for 8 days, running around in the snow barefoot at 2 am, convinced my mother that the mexican cartel had a price on my head and that we needed to go buy shotguns to defend ourself, i would sleep for an hour and have lucid dreams and wake up sending myself into sleep psychosis, its the scariest sh*t ive ever experienced, cold body cold feet, stomachs in knots, running a fever, sneezing 12 times in a row, runny nose, yawning, and teary eyes, i was blessed to not have cold sweats i dont know why but thats what i hated the most about the WD, im now exactly 14 days off the subs and i still feel like trash, not as bad as the first week but i still have alot of anxiety and a tight stomach, im happy to be able to eat, im 6 foot 1 and used to average 185 pounds, im down to 165 pounds and i look like i should be in a concentration camp, just getting up off the couch is a challenge, ive been trying to keep myself busy working out and shoveling snow that comes down every day where im at, the endorphins are the only thing that makes me feel somewhat good, my prescription med regiment is neurontin 600 mg x3 and clonidine .1 x3  alone with trazadone 150 mg at night. they are the only shed of hope i have for getting me through this, im at about 65-70 percent right now... ive gotten clean 3 times with the longest being about a month before i relapsed.. and this time has been the hardest, ive felt like throwing in the towel so many times but i diddnt, because my life relies on my success at this, ive overdosed twice off methadone and was dead for 2 minutes, i got stabbed 5 times in a fight back in 2007 and was a couple drops away from bleeding out. ive been plagued with unhealthy relationships, and women who like to throw right hooks into my face, yelling HIT ME SO YOU CAN GO TO JAIL, I HATE YOU.... with my hands behind my back i just take the b***h blows with a smile on my face, constant relapse is to blame for that and i brought it upon myself. and a little bit of the reason i exiled myself to get clean, im not a religious person but i may resort to praying before i go to sleep just to steady my odds of getting better, because i wake up every morning gagging and not seeing any type of initial improvement in how im feeling, im not dying tonight so i should be thankful im not drenched in sweat with a trash barrel next to my functionless body. so i should shut up and be happy the worst is behind me. i wouldnt dawn withdrawal on my worst enemy... actually i would because i f*****g hate you but yeah this has been my experience and wish me luck when i return home.. im gonna need it!!! thanks for letting me share - DJ