Hey guysI'm 20 years old, and am really stressing with whether or not I am gay or straight.Heres the story:-When I'm out, I check out girls. I find girls sexy, I like their hair, their curves, I like when they look skanky, I like when they look mature and experienced, I love the way they look in heels. But when I look at them, although I wish I had the confidence to talk to them and get them to like me, I don't get an erection just by looking.-I never check out guys. When I walk in a public place, I immediately "Scan" the area for attractive women, and i just dont notice guys.-When I try to notice guys I don't get turned on, but I have maybe in one occasion.-I have a girlfriend, and I love her and have good sex with her.-I've never had feelings for any male friends, sexually or romanticallyBUT-I don't watch gay porn, but I do read gay stories, and I get off to this 70% of the time (Like gay fiction). 30% of the time I watch straight porn.-The gay stories I read are very gay, usually involving me imagining being used by a dominant male.-When I "finish", I feel anxious and sick, and wonder whether I am secretly gayI can't imagine myself kissing/marrying a guy or having a boyfriend, but I wonder if deep down I DO want this I'm just doing a good job of repressing it.I really don't want to get married to a woman thinking I'm straight, and then realised at 40 that I am gay, and am terrified of that happening to me.The following is graphic information, read on at caution:The first time I masturbated I was thinking about a "modified version" of a gay kid I used to know. I remember being turned on by the fact that he seemed so turned on, like he wanted it badly, and in my head he was a "feminized" version of himself. When I actually knew him in person, I was never turned on by him, but when I first masturbated for some reason it was about him. I got turned on by the fact that it was so wrong and that because he seemed desperate, he would do things that girls wouldn't do or something...I know it's messed up.Then at 18, my maths tutor was gay and tried to hit on me. I thought it was disgusting, and wanted to avoid him at all costs.Once I stopped seeing him, months later I began having fantasies of him seducing me, disgusting fantasies that somehow turned me on.I would NEVER want to act out on these fantasies, in fact I wouldn't really fantasise about HIM, but more of him turning me on if that makes sense? Like I would not be thinking "He has such nice eyes", I would be thinking "I'm so slutty, it's so hot that I'm getting turned on and used by him". Of course I know this is sick and perverted, and none of it probably makes sense.Also when I used to fantasise about the gay kid, although I did fantazize about him sucking me etc, I was getting turned on by the fact that I was so dominant, ie "He just wants to be dominated by me" (and interestingly I wouldn't think of him as a man, but a female somehow, like in my fantasies I would refer to him as a she)It's messed up, I know... :(It's like I'm gay in my head, but not in real life?I love licking my girlfriend, doing everything with her. I want to kiss girls, have them suck me, lick girls out, do everything with girls, yet when I masturbate it's usually about gay thoughts of eithera) Me "serving" a guy who I don't know and can't really picture b) Used to be about me fantasising of gay people that I knew and how much I knew they wanted me AFTER I knew I would never see them againc) 30% of the time I fantasise about lesbians, or mature women, or little slutty girls like any other guy wouldI. Don't get it. And feel anxious and sick and stressed out
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In the first place, stop stressing about whether you are 'gay' or 'straight'. These are pretty meaningless terms, because we are biological oorganisms that display variation in every parameter. That's a fancy way of saying we're all unique and everyone is different. However society likes people to conform to certain standards in gender and sexuality. But society is changing. Once, all that was acceptable was heterosexuality, 'straightness' if you like, and those who did not fit were treated very badly. Nowadays it's OK to be hoosexual...but in fact 'variation' means that this is another false binary. Kinsey proved that 'gay' and 'straight' are just opposite ends of a range of variation over 50 years ago, but society still has not wakened up to this.
Furthermore, there is no rule at all that says that a person will have the same sexuality all their life. Because attraction is fuelled by sexual reward, the lives we lead change us. Society doesn't like this. People like to have bags they think they can wrap us in. So relax; your inhibitions are little more than peer pressure. No one gender or sexuality is better than any other; that is just a hangiver frm a religious past.
Repression of feelings that you consider taboo, as you have been doing, only makes the feelings more powerful. Think pressure-cooker. Ultimately this can have effects on your life which you may not want, so you should address this.
It might be that you and your girlfriend can adapt your sexual play to let you explore your sexuality more. She could dildo you or use a strap-on, dominate you, or try some mild bondage and S/M. There is nothing wrong with any of this. You need to trust each other and talk about it. She might enjoy it (but she might not either so tread carefully). Remember that your sexual fantasies are just that, but the attraction-reward link means that if your girlfriend helps you with them you should become more attracted to her. Remember also that she may have fantasies herself that she is shy about exploring and you should help her.
If role-playing with your girlfriend ultimately doesn't help to alleviate your feelings then you may have to explore this side of your sexuality in real. If you are attracted to men, rather than to submissive sexual role-playing, then you are likely to find that a sexual encounter with a man will be a very powerful confirmation of that, but if not, then you'll go back to girls and mark it down to experience.
Always remember that sex is fun but love is important. Ask yourself whether your relationship with your girlfriend is something you want to build on and develop, and if it is, then do that. If you are with her just because of peer pressure to have a girlfriend then you should be honest with her. Doesn't mean you can't work this out, but you have to be fair to the girl. If you have doubts you should talk them through with her. Who you are with is more important than what you do in bed.
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First of all, neither you nor your story is, as you said, "sick and perverted". Everyone has erotic dreams. Sometimes they’re shocking, and may be in complete conflict with how you envision yourself in your physical life.
I’m not a psychologist, but one thing I know about dreams is that our psyche uses them as a means of relieving or “working out” what we may be repressing in our daily life. That’s not to say that you are gay, but it also doesn't' mean that you aren't. It just means that you're conflicted about it, which is pretty obvious by everything else you wrote.
One of the things that come to mind is that you have unresolved grief over male intimacy... that you crave it, and that you don't have it. The domination fantasy that you say keeps coming up suggests you feel inferior and are either angry and/or frustrated about feeling that way. Whether it was as a result of your father or some other male figure, I don't know.
I guess some of the questions I’d like to ask are whether you were made to feel inferior as a child? Did a male authority subject you to something that made you feel powerless or inferior? Another question is whether you have male friends that you can confide in, and whether you have had a man you loved, including a friend or other adult male, ever tell you that you that they loved you (where you believed it) and/or another male that you told the same, and meant it?
In short, your domination fantasies sound more about intimacy and feelings of inferiority to other men than they do about gay sex… It doesn’t mean that you ARE inferior to other men, only that unconsciously you may feel that way, or be afraid that you are.
I think once you figure out that piece; you’ll know for sure one way or the other the rest of the “gay” sex fantasies. If I had to guess, I’d bet that they’ll mostly disappear, although they may always be a “friend” to you every once in awhile, since they helped you cope with a lot of c**p for a long time.
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Remember, you don't find your sexuality. Your sexuality finds you. I hope this helped you out just a little.
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Ok, this is going to sound cliche, but sexuality is a journey for a little while in my opinion. I am 31 and have just recently come to terms with being bi. Thoughts are fleeting. How you feel over a long time will determine whether you are gay, bi, or straight. Even at 20, you are just now beginning to see the world. If you're in college, experiment and see where it leads. Ask people on dates if you don't want to go that far etc.
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well for a start you have gay interest but that determines what you like but what truly determines if you gay or straight is who you have feeling for girl or boy or both , also i did have moments when i thought i was gay but was due to people bullying me but is your choice at the end of the day to have interest girls or boys but if you have sex with a girl and you think straight then your probably bi but that's nothing wrong since the bi sexual orientation is increasing rapidly.
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well some journeys are shorter than other cuz im 13 and i already that im straight .
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Who do you prefer? Who do masterbate to? When you cum, are you 'with' a male or female?
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