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Male, 16. I'm quite sure I'd be diagnosed with depression if I talked to a doctor. Hated living since I was 8 and want to be dead, yet I don't want to die.

For the past few years, since I was about 12, I haven't been able to feel any "basic" feelings. Happiness, sadness, anger, you name it. I see feelings as mental pain. I feel totally empty inside. It was at the age of around 12 that I realized that no one talks to me on their own will, I was the only one who sparked conversations. That realization was the last thing required to trigger my depression.

Shortly after that realization I started going to a new school. Because I didn't want anyone to see the real side of me, I somehow quickly learned how to make people believe that I have feelings. I put on a fake smile, I fake laugh, I also spark conversations to make it appear as if I was social (and as before, no one else ever sparked a conversation with me). Somehow people believe in it, I know that because at one point a month ago I just couldn't take it anymore, so I went to school with the real side of me, and instantly I noticed that people reacted. Now I have a split personality and I can easily switch between them, it's as helpful as it's painful.

I can feel "non-basic" feelings such as irritation and frustration. I have never loved anyone, yet I constantly feel heartbroken, like a constant ache in my heart. This might sound very stupid, but for some reason I believe that the knowledge of someone loving me would give me my feelings back, and that's why I feel heartbroken, because I know that no one will ever love me when I'm in this emotionless state.

 

To sum it all up:

  • I hate living
  • I can't feel basic feelings
  • I feel incredibly lonely
  • I feel heartbroken without ever being in love with someone

I'm just wondering, is this just typical depression or am I just having a very weird and horrible life? Are there others who feels like this?

Thanks for reading.

 

PS                                                                                                                                                                    If you can't understand something I said just feel free to ask me. I'm aware that it's written like a mess.

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Health Ace
6520 posts

Hi lkelraz,

 

im so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are DEFINITELY NOT ALONE :) however I do think you should seek some professional help.  It is very common for teens to suffer from depression and often you can grow out of it.  Remember puberty doesn't just cause physical changes but also to your mental and emotional state.   The good news there are things to help you with it :)

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Honestly, I'd rather just endure it than talk with my parents about it, because I strongly dislike my family (for no real reason).
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Of course. The environment feels your energy and they respond to it. And most of the time when you're down, you will be left alone, noone likes being around this type of energy.. it's contagious, just like good vibes are.
The majority of teens dislike their family, at least most of the time :) if you'll seek professional help, which I think you should, it is better to opt for a therapist, someone who could offer appropriate techniques for your mental state... maybe behavoural techniques, I am not sure and not simply someone who will only prespribe antidepessants ... At least where I live now people are reffered to psychiatrist and popping pills.
Out if this contex... Is there anything you enjoy doing? Read a book? Go running? Etc. How much time do you spend outdoors?
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What do you mean you can't feel basic feelings? Fear is a very basic, survival type of a feeling. Imagine your loved one dying, the closest person you ever had? What feelings arise?
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Health Ace
6520 posts
It definatly sounds like you are suffering from depression and no one is suggesting that you just talk to your parents about it..... like the person above me mentioned. It is a good idea to talk with a therapist/counselor. Anti-depressants can be very helpful and do not always have to be taken long term. But anti-depressants tend to work best in conjunction with talking with therapists .......any many teens feel the same way or worse as you do you are not alone even if it seems like it sometimes
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I don't spend quite a lot of time outdoors because of a disorder I've had for as long as I remember. A side effect of it has caused my muscles in my body to become weak and easily fatigued, so when I walk I feel an ache in my legs after just a short while.

Something I enjoy doing would be watching movies and read books, they sort of makes me escape my mind.
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Basic feelings to me are happiness, sorrow, love etc. I would just simply call myself emotionless.

I do not have a loved one and have never gotten close to a person so I wouldn't really know, but I would imagine that if I somehow meet someone in the future and that person is dying, I wouldn't be sad or anything like that, instead I think I'd just feel a kind of hatred of life. Basically because since I've never gotten close to someone before, I would just hate living more if I managed to get close to someone but life takes that person away from me.
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Health Ace
6520 posts
Reading books and watching movies are great things to do!!! Do you know the name of the condition or disorder that you have ?
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I'm only diagnosed with a mental side of an eating disorder, AFRID/SED, but for the most part I've cured myself from it. AFRID/SED used to make me afraid of trying new food items, now I just avoid it because I know what will happen if I eat it.

There comes the physical part that I'm not diagnosed with; stuff I don't like feels like swallowing a chewing gum (i.e. very hard), but if I manage to do it, I get a reflex in my throat that makes me nauseated (couldn't find a translation, English isn't my native language), and I feel sick for the rest of the day.
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Ah, looked at Wikipedia and found out that there actually is a part of AFRID/SED that describes what I said;

"Sufferers can experience physical gastrointestinal reactions to adverse foods such as retching, vomiting or gagging. Some studies have identified symptoms of social avoidance due to their eating habits. Most, however, would change their eating habits if they could"
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Health Ace
6520 posts
Well for not having english as your primary language you are doing quite well typing!!! congrats.... what is your native language? as for the AFRID/SED I never heard of that before but it was interesting reading a bit about it.... how does this make you unable to walk much or go outside? As for never loving anyone or having a girlfriend there is no need to worry about that at your age... I never dated anyone until I was out of college.... everyone is different so just because people in your class are dating doesnt mean you have to be.
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Swedish is my native language. The walking part is because I get far from enough of all the nutrients I need and it's been like this for as long as I can remember, so over time my muscles have become weak so they begin to ache when I walk for extended periods of time.
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Health Ace
6520 posts
Ah well that makes sense. I wondered if being malnourished left you with muscle weakness.... are you able to drink protein shakes or nutritional supplements? do you take any type of multivitamins?
Do you participate in any sports or activities at school?
also When is the next time you are suppose to see your doctor/healthcare provider for a physical/check-up?
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