Male, 16. I'm quite sure I'd be diagnosed with depression if I talked to a doctor. Hated living since I was 8 and want to be dead, yet I don't want to die.
For the past few years, since I was about 12, I haven't been able to feel any "basic" feelings. Happiness, sadness, anger, you name it. I see feelings as mental pain. I feel totally empty inside. It was at the age of around 12 that I realized that no one talks to me on their own will, I was the only one who sparked conversations. That realization was the last thing required to trigger my depression.
Shortly after that realization I started going to a new school. Because I didn't want anyone to see the real side of me, I somehow quickly learned how to make people believe that I have feelings. I put on a fake smile, I fake laugh, I also spark conversations to make it appear as if I was social (and as before, no one else ever sparked a conversation with me). Somehow people believe in it, I know that because at one point a month ago I just couldn't take it anymore, so I went to school with the real side of me, and instantly I noticed that people reacted. Now I have a split personality and I can easily switch between them, it's as helpful as it's painful.
I can feel "non-basic" feelings such as irritation and frustration. I have never loved anyone, yet I constantly feel heartbroken, like a constant ache in my heart. This might sound very stupid, but for some reason I believe that the knowledge of someone loving me would give me my feelings back, and that's why I feel heartbroken, because I know that no one will ever love me when I'm in this emotionless state.
To sum it all up:
- I hate living
- I can't feel basic feelings
- I feel incredibly lonely
- I feel heartbroken without ever being in love with someone
I'm just wondering, is this just typical depression or am I just having a very weird and horrible life? Are there others who feels like this?
Thanks for reading.
PS If you can't understand something I said just feel free to ask me. I'm aware that it's written like a mess.
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Hi lkelraz,
im so sorry to hear what you are going through. You are DEFINITELY NOT ALONE :) however I do think you should seek some professional help. It is very common for teens to suffer from depression and often you can grow out of it. Remember puberty doesn't just cause physical changes but also to your mental and emotional state. The good news there are things to help you with it :)
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The majority of teens dislike their family, at least most of the time :) if you'll seek professional help, which I think you should, it is better to opt for a therapist, someone who could offer appropriate techniques for your mental state... maybe behavoural techniques, I am not sure and not simply someone who will only prespribe antidepessants ... At least where I live now people are reffered to psychiatrist and popping pills.
Out if this contex... Is there anything you enjoy doing? Read a book? Go running? Etc. How much time do you spend outdoors?
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Something I enjoy doing would be watching movies and read books, they sort of makes me escape my mind.
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I do not have a loved one and have never gotten close to a person so I wouldn't really know, but I would imagine that if I somehow meet someone in the future and that person is dying, I wouldn't be sad or anything like that, instead I think I'd just feel a kind of hatred of life. Basically because since I've never gotten close to someone before, I would just hate living more if I managed to get close to someone but life takes that person away from me.
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There comes the physical part that I'm not diagnosed with; stuff I don't like feels like swallowing a chewing gum (i.e. very hard), but if I manage to do it, I get a reflex in my throat that makes me nauseated (couldn't find a translation, English isn't my native language), and I feel sick for the rest of the day.
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"Sufferers can experience physical gastrointestinal reactions to adverse foods such as retching, vomiting or gagging. Some studies have identified symptoms of social avoidance due to their eating habits. Most, however, would change their eating habits if they could"
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Do you participate in any sports or activities at school?
also When is the next time you are suppose to see your doctor/healthcare provider for a physical/check-up?
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