Did I do the right thing?

It was my first pregnancy. I had horrible morning sickness (which should be called 24hour sickness) and I had taken six weeks off work because it was so violent I barely had the energy to crawl from the bed to the toilet.

It was the day before my 10 week scan was due when I got home from work and went to the toilet and saw blood on my underwear. We went to the hospital and after waiting for hours was finally seen and told to go home - dismissed as an overcautious mother.

The next morning, I went to the toilet again and there was mucus and tissue on my underwear so I rang the health hotline and after speaking with one of the nurses, she told me to go straight to A&E. We went back to the hospital and the nurse questioned if I needed to be there again seeing as I had been seen the night before. I told her that I needed to see a doctor and she just rolled her eyes and told me to check in. I FINALLY saw a doctor that treated me like a person ... not like a waste of time and she organised for an ultrasound straight away, to see what was going on.

I had my scan and heard the words "I'm sorry but there's no heartbeat". I kept thinking "you've got to be kidding, keep looking. You mustn't be looking properly." Maybe I got my dates wrong. Maybe the baby was just in a bad position, making it hard for them to find it.

The ultrasound technician said the baby was about 7.5 weeks and there was no heart beat. It hit home when I looked at the ultrasound and saw the heartbeat line at the bottom of the screen completely flatlined. Three days later I was in hospital and had the baby out.

I still think that maybe I got my dates wrong and maybe I killed my precious baby by not asking for a second ultrasound. Was my baby still alive? Was it just in a bad position. Did I do the right thing?

Everyone says that the baby died for a reason and that it happens to plenty of people. I know they are trying to help but unless you've been through this experience, you can not fully understand how life changing it really is. How broken you feel after you get out of hospital and are expected to carry on like nothing has happened.

My baby died. You don't need to fix me. I just need to know you are there to hold me when I need holding. And to offer a shoulder when I need to cry.

My heart goes out to you all and hope that somehow we can help heal each other by sharing our stories.