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No one close to me could ever know how I’m feeling. The depression I have is severe and I cry so much. I’ve tried since I was 18 years old to get pregnant and I’m now 26 still no child. Family and friends always say it will happen one day just wait and see. All these people have children and can’t possibly know what I’m going through or how I’m feeling. The hardest part of my day is to watch kids that aren’t mine, kids I have to give back, but yet be like a mother figure to them. I believe watching them makes my depression worse, but at the same time I love doing it. Since I was 14 I wanted children and was happy to get my period at that time, knowing that played a big role in conceiving a child. Then by the age of 16 my period had stopped and I went years without one. Had test done and all result came back normal. With no answer I went through life thinking I could get pregnant with nothing found saying I couldn’t. I had sex for the first time at the age of 18 years old and was with that person for 4 years, never got pregnant.  11 years later he got married and his wife just had their first child. My second relationship was with someone that couldn’t have child which was one of the reasons we didn’t work out because that was something I strongly wanted. My third relationship didn’t last long, but I did get married to him. He already had a child so I knew he was able to. We tried the entire relationship with no success. Two months after we officially called it off, he went back to the mother of his first child. She ended up pregnant having another baby boy. So there were two low blows to me, two people I was with trying to conceive with was not able to get me pregnant, but the person they are now with. I just broke down crying at this point. I cry so often now and I’m extremely depressed. I have now been in a relationship for 13 months and since I want a baby so bad we have never used protection. Just like I thought haven’t gotten pregnant yet. He has no kids, but has no reason not to be able to. He is a very loving person and always tells me it will happen one day. How long do I have to wait for something I’ve wanted for 12 years? I can’t afford to go to a clinic and have test done. To never be able to conceive a child is like death to me. I’ve never wanted something more than being a mother, to be pregnant, to be able to feel a baby kick inside of me. I don’t know how much longer I can continue this disappointment I call life. :'(

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Your letter breaks my heart. I think I feel a lot of the same but for not as long. I'm 31 now and didn't think I'd want kids until a couple years ago. Now that we've been trying for a few months with no success, I can't help feeling like I've somehow jinxed myself   Like all those years of willing the opposite has caused my ovaries to shrivel or something equally as ridiculous as that sounds. But I can totally relate to having to be around other people's kids, or listen to their stories about new things their kids can do, or hear that other friends are pregnant. It's hard to not show disappointment sometimes.

my husband says if we don't get pregnant he would love  chance to adopt and be able to make a child's life better and still get to be parents. I have to agree. It would take a grieving process to cope with the loss of not having an offspring, certainly. But I'll get to be a mommy and that's what's really important. 

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Thank you for your words and sharing your story. Im sorry to hear your struggles of becoming a mother. I think adoption is a wonserful thing, but it also cost money. Ive always wanted ti apot even if i had my own children. Just going to try to keep my hopes up of becoming a mother anyway I can.
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