Hi
Since I've moved in with my girlfriend, we've been having sex alot less. Once a week, sometimes once a fortnight. When we lived apart, we'd visit each other about once or twice a month ( due to distance,) and we'd do it about 3 times in a weekend
Sadly, I'm not overly sexed, I can take it or leave it, and she said she can.
But she's driving me mad lately. She'd go on about how we don't do it for months , even though we do it virtually every week or fortnight, and if the subject of penis's come up, she'd say " I dunno what one of those look like, it's been that long" like we'd not had sex for 3 months or something, when it could only of been the previous week since we did it..even sometimes she'd say it infront of her parents or friends
But the annoying thing is, if I try to instigate sex, she doesn't seem that interested. Last friday for example she asked if we could do it at the weekend. I said yes. When the weekend came we got close in bed, a bit of forplay and she said " I'm not ready, lets just sort you out"
I sometimes find it hard to want sex with her during the week. She comes home at 7:30 at night from work, has abit of a moan about stuff, goes straight up stairs gets changed into her large frumpy dressing gown and pajamas, puts her hair up, and then barrages herself on the sofa by laying down taking up the whole sofa, coffee table directly infront of the sofa with the remote controls etc making it impossible to even kneel on the floor next to her and and be affectionate, puts a throw overherself and then puts the laptop ontop of her legs and stays on that all night with some boring sh*t on TV blaring away.
Come 10:00pm she says she's tired and goes to bed, and then spends the next few days moaning that we don't have sex.
I can't be affectionate by laying on the sofa with her because she has the laptop on her legs and she moans that she's just eaten and doesn't like to be squashed up against someone when she has a full stomach, and I don't find the frumpy dressing gown look sexy anyway.
I don't like to pester her for sex as she split with her ex over that. He wanted it ,she didn't.
But if I told her that I don't find the dressing gown look sexy, she'd kick off and moan about how she's been at work all day and she's tired and she can wear what she wants.
Weekends she busys herself to much by having virtually every weekend taken up with entertaining her friends and work colleqgues, so spends all saturday in a foul mood because she's rushing around shopping and cleaning before they turn up, and then when we do have abit of time to ourselves she wants to spend it on her own because she never has any 'me' time.
When I do hint at having sex she doesn't seem that interested. I just don't feel a spark, but I 'm unsure where to tread.
As this carries on, I'm finding myself less and less in the mood, and sex is getting less and less, because I just associate her with the frumpy or grumpy look and attitude. But when we do arrange to do it, she's not in the mood in the end, and takes no interest if I suggest it.
Whats going off?
Since I've moved in with my girlfriend, we've been having sex alot less. Once a week, sometimes once a fortnight. When we lived apart, we'd visit each other about once or twice a month ( due to distance,) and we'd do it about 3 times in a weekend
Sadly, I'm not overly sexed, I can take it or leave it, and she said she can.
But she's driving me mad lately. She'd go on about how we don't do it for months , even though we do it virtually every week or fortnight, and if the subject of penis's come up, she'd say " I dunno what one of those look like, it's been that long" like we'd not had sex for 3 months or something, when it could only of been the previous week since we did it..even sometimes she'd say it infront of her parents or friends
But the annoying thing is, if I try to instigate sex, she doesn't seem that interested. Last friday for example she asked if we could do it at the weekend. I said yes. When the weekend came we got close in bed, a bit of forplay and she said " I'm not ready, lets just sort you out"
I sometimes find it hard to want sex with her during the week. She comes home at 7:30 at night from work, has abit of a moan about stuff, goes straight up stairs gets changed into her large frumpy dressing gown and pajamas, puts her hair up, and then barrages herself on the sofa by laying down taking up the whole sofa, coffee table directly infront of the sofa with the remote controls etc making it impossible to even kneel on the floor next to her and and be affectionate, puts a throw overherself and then puts the laptop ontop of her legs and stays on that all night with some boring sh*t on TV blaring away.
Come 10:00pm she says she's tired and goes to bed, and then spends the next few days moaning that we don't have sex.
I can't be affectionate by laying on the sofa with her because she has the laptop on her legs and she moans that she's just eaten and doesn't like to be squashed up against someone when she has a full stomach, and I don't find the frumpy dressing gown look sexy anyway.
I don't like to pester her for sex as she split with her ex over that. He wanted it ,she didn't.
But if I told her that I don't find the dressing gown look sexy, she'd kick off and moan about how she's been at work all day and she's tired and she can wear what she wants.
Weekends she busys herself to much by having virtually every weekend taken up with entertaining her friends and work colleqgues, so spends all saturday in a foul mood because she's rushing around shopping and cleaning before they turn up, and then when we do have abit of time to ourselves she wants to spend it on her own because she never has any 'me' time.
When I do hint at having sex she doesn't seem that interested. I just don't feel a spark, but I 'm unsure where to tread.
As this carries on, I'm finding myself less and less in the mood, and sex is getting less and less, because I just associate her with the frumpy or grumpy look and attitude. But when we do arrange to do it, she's not in the mood in the end, and takes no interest if I suggest it.
Whats going off?
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ok , first off let her know how you feel and what needs to change in that dept if you havent already. the reason why people move in well one of the reasons is so the couple can be closer. not to push each other away. not having sex bothers her when she says she doesnt know what one of those looks like? wth?? so she wines about it but when you would like for it to happen she just kinda flies you away with her moodyness? soounds to me the way you put it when she comes home its just whatever to her seems like she doesnt put any effort on her half what so either. having sex well my husband and i call it making love but either or you dont need to like make a appt for it seriously thats just crazy to me. so either she puts effort into how she dresses to make it work and if she doesnt then it should show you she doesnt care.
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Hi James! The age old question of sex will NEVER be answered in our lifetimes! BUT your girlfriend has obvious issues with sex, and you are starting to as well! Depending on which estimate you believe 66 - 83% of women have had a terrible incidents involving sexual abuse! From gropes to rape! And when they haven't sorted those issues out then they will play a factor EVERY time there is intimacy!
When she says "I'm full and don't want someone pushing up on me!" IF you think of it another way, what do you think she is trying to say? To me it's "I feel GROSS, and I can't handle being covered and have no breathing space!" There is an old expression - you are what you eat! EVERYONE has heard it! BUT I think there should be another expression - "You FEEL how you Look!" So with the frumpy dressing gown or nightie, that is telling you that she feels frumpy and un sexy! Does that make sense to you? It's her inner body saying - "you are too gross to get a nice nightie so just wear this one!" A lot of mothers will do this - because it is a natural instinct to give to your children before you give to yourself! For example, I wear YEARS old clothes, but my boys walk around in Ed Hardy Shirts, and True Religion jeans! It's CRAZY but it's VERY VERY common! And IF you put lack of hormones, tired, stressed, into the mix then the sex life WILL be put on the shelf! It's EASY to be frumpy and lay around in baggy clothes and holey underwear! It takes a LOT of will power and self esteem to change that and make the effort to even try and look sexy! Also HOW can she do that, IF she doesn't feel sexy!
When she is saying to you "We don't do it for months" She is putting the onus on you - as YOU have the problem - not her! She knows that she doesn't feel sexy, BUT how does she stop her lover from wanting it?!! to make him angry and put him off too with snide remarks to people that shouldn't even know!
Over the next couple of days, I want you to do something! Write down what made you fall in love with her! Did you have the blaze' attitude about sex before her, shortly after meeting her, or lately? How do you think she feels about herself - does she say things in passing that are shots at herself?, What do YOU want from this relationship? - Do you see it lasting? Do you WANT it to last? And IF so WHAT do you want to change about it? When you have finished the list! DON'T show it to her - this is YOUR personal true feelings! BUT you sit her down and tell her in a more PRO her way of HOW ALL of this - the remarks, the dressing, the lack of affection back etc is making YOU feel! And that you think she feels the same way, so do you work it out TOGETHER and be open with each other? Or do you go your separate ways?
I study people James! I watch and listen, and what you are telling me - without writing it down - is that you are done! You just need a stranger to agree with you on it and give you a reason to walk away! I'm NOT going to give you a reason to walk away James! I'm giving you a reason to either work it out OR end it! To see IF you are just frustrated or DONE!? What ALWAYS amazes me is this! SEX is the MOST Intimate thing a couple can do with each other! BUT talking to each other is a "NO NO!" How can that be? You've seen each other naked - physically! BUT you can't see each other naked Emotionally!?!!!! Crazy isn't it?!
So go in deep, write down EVERYTHING about her - the negative, the positive and how she makes you feel! And then read it ALOUD back to yourself! And SEE and HEAR what you are telling yourself! You CANT change her James! You CAN change how you deal with her, and how you deal with the situations! Does ALL of this make sense to you? I HOPE you get this message - as the system is WHACKED right now! But I would be interested in knowing how you feel about what I've said!
When she says "I'm full and don't want someone pushing up on me!" IF you think of it another way, what do you think she is trying to say? To me it's "I feel GROSS, and I can't handle being covered and have no breathing space!" There is an old expression - you are what you eat! EVERYONE has heard it! BUT I think there should be another expression - "You FEEL how you Look!" So with the frumpy dressing gown or nightie, that is telling you that she feels frumpy and un sexy! Does that make sense to you? It's her inner body saying - "you are too gross to get a nice nightie so just wear this one!" A lot of mothers will do this - because it is a natural instinct to give to your children before you give to yourself! For example, I wear YEARS old clothes, but my boys walk around in Ed Hardy Shirts, and True Religion jeans! It's CRAZY but it's VERY VERY common! And IF you put lack of hormones, tired, stressed, into the mix then the sex life WILL be put on the shelf! It's EASY to be frumpy and lay around in baggy clothes and holey underwear! It takes a LOT of will power and self esteem to change that and make the effort to even try and look sexy! Also HOW can she do that, IF she doesn't feel sexy!
When she is saying to you "We don't do it for months" She is putting the onus on you - as YOU have the problem - not her! She knows that she doesn't feel sexy, BUT how does she stop her lover from wanting it?!! to make him angry and put him off too with snide remarks to people that shouldn't even know!
Over the next couple of days, I want you to do something! Write down what made you fall in love with her! Did you have the blaze' attitude about sex before her, shortly after meeting her, or lately? How do you think she feels about herself - does she say things in passing that are shots at herself?, What do YOU want from this relationship? - Do you see it lasting? Do you WANT it to last? And IF so WHAT do you want to change about it? When you have finished the list! DON'T show it to her - this is YOUR personal true feelings! BUT you sit her down and tell her in a more PRO her way of HOW ALL of this - the remarks, the dressing, the lack of affection back etc is making YOU feel! And that you think she feels the same way, so do you work it out TOGETHER and be open with each other? Or do you go your separate ways?
I study people James! I watch and listen, and what you are telling me - without writing it down - is that you are done! You just need a stranger to agree with you on it and give you a reason to walk away! I'm NOT going to give you a reason to walk away James! I'm giving you a reason to either work it out OR end it! To see IF you are just frustrated or DONE!? What ALWAYS amazes me is this! SEX is the MOST Intimate thing a couple can do with each other! BUT talking to each other is a "NO NO!" How can that be? You've seen each other naked - physically! BUT you can't see each other naked Emotionally!?!!!! Crazy isn't it?!
So go in deep, write down EVERYTHING about her - the negative, the positive and how she makes you feel! And then read it ALOUD back to yourself! And SEE and HEAR what you are telling yourself! You CANT change her James! You CAN change how you deal with her, and how you deal with the situations! Does ALL of this make sense to you? I HOPE you get this message - as the system is WHACKED right now! But I would be interested in knowing how you feel about what I've said!
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You called her your girlfriend!!!!
I think you need a new dictionary.
Run----
and don't look back.
I think you need a new dictionary.
Run----
and don't look back.
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Bambi...Thanks for the message.
Personally I think now looking back, I think she may have an issue with her own body. She sometimes say she's frumpy,makes little comments about how she doesn't like bits and bobs. But then again, I thought all women do that.
I actually like her body. I tell her she's sexy, and she just smiles and says she's not.
She does also have sexy undies and uniforms etc....even though I haven't seen the latter for along time, so she's not always been like this.
I don't think it's issues with sex. She enjoys it when she wants it or gets it, and it's not like she's frigid....your used to be.
I think like you say, it's body issue.
We used to do it on the kitchen worktop, on the sofa, on the stairs, occasionally in the garden, but recently we haven't. If we get close on the sofa she'll run up stairs, get undressed get under the duvet and leave the light on and wait for me, where as we used to do it there and then.
I wish talking to her was that easy. She is very defensive and paranoid, and kicks off very easily if she thinks she's being 'attacked' as she calls it.
I don't think we should split either. When she's not in Saturday stress mode ( shopping house work etc) we get on very well.
I've often thought that when she comes home, she shouldn't get straight into her dressing gown etc, she should just wear some normal clothes. Gave a line between work stress, and the mundane routine of going to bed.Otherwise her life seems work-bed work-bed, but you can't tell her.
I can understand stress effecting sex life and I could accept if she's tired she doesn't want it. But whats bugging me is that she'll make sarcastic comments about it, making out that it's me that isn't interested, but when we do make a date of it, or I instigate it, she's not interested.
If she doesn't want sex or is not in the mood, then she doesn't have to turn the tables on me. I've told her loads of times after what happened with her ex, that if she's not in the mood or if she's lost her sex drive, then I'm fine with that. I can take sex or leave it. You spend the first 15 years of your life not bothering with sex, I'm sure I can manage a few months. She doesn't need to switch it around and make it look like my fault.
Personally I think now looking back, I think she may have an issue with her own body. She sometimes say she's frumpy,makes little comments about how she doesn't like bits and bobs. But then again, I thought all women do that.
I actually like her body. I tell her she's sexy, and she just smiles and says she's not.
She does also have sexy undies and uniforms etc....even though I haven't seen the latter for along time, so she's not always been like this.
I don't think it's issues with sex. She enjoys it when she wants it or gets it, and it's not like she's frigid....your used to be.
I think like you say, it's body issue.
We used to do it on the kitchen worktop, on the sofa, on the stairs, occasionally in the garden, but recently we haven't. If we get close on the sofa she'll run up stairs, get undressed get under the duvet and leave the light on and wait for me, where as we used to do it there and then.
I wish talking to her was that easy. She is very defensive and paranoid, and kicks off very easily if she thinks she's being 'attacked' as she calls it.
I don't think we should split either. When she's not in Saturday stress mode ( shopping house work etc) we get on very well.
I've often thought that when she comes home, she shouldn't get straight into her dressing gown etc, she should just wear some normal clothes. Gave a line between work stress, and the mundane routine of going to bed.Otherwise her life seems work-bed work-bed, but you can't tell her.
I can understand stress effecting sex life and I could accept if she's tired she doesn't want it. But whats bugging me is that she'll make sarcastic comments about it, making out that it's me that isn't interested, but when we do make a date of it, or I instigate it, she's not interested.
If she doesn't want sex or is not in the mood, then she doesn't have to turn the tables on me. I've told her loads of times after what happened with her ex, that if she's not in the mood or if she's lost her sex drive, then I'm fine with that. I can take sex or leave it. You spend the first 15 years of your life not bothering with sex, I'm sure I can manage a few months. She doesn't need to switch it around and make it look like my fault.
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Totally! She is NOT right doing that! BUT you need to look at "Why?" she is doing that! I'm originally from England, and my family has this saying "Well I didn't want your bloody lawnmower!" So hang with me while I explain OK? So IF you come from a place that you have felt demeaned, you are ALWAYS on the defensive as in "Did you see her look at me that way?, did you hear his tone towards me? I don't think they like me very much etc etc " So my parents one day started talking about asking our next door neighbour to borrow his lawnmower, and after saying out loud "Well IF he looks funny, or is hesitant, what are we going to do?" Within 10 minutes of even thinking about asking for the lawnmower they were going to go and ring his door bell and shout "Well I didn't want your bloody lawnmower!" 8-| ;-) XD So your girlfriend is telling you she doesn't want your lawnmower, so it is on YOU and not her insecurities! Does that make sense? You have to remember James we are ANIMALS! and when an animal is in a corner or feels insecure they lash out at the closest thing to them! In this case that is you! Is that right? OF COURSE NOT! Is it acceptable? NO WAY!
So without attacking her, I want you to say to her, "I LOVE you and I hope you love me too, and I NEED to talk to you and I WANT YOU to listen and hear me OK?" Sit on a couch or a kitchen chair - I was going to say "No where sexual" But It think that's too late for you too! LOL Anyways, hold her hands so she can't waff you off or try and get out of there! and tell her how her jabs make you feel and IF she thinks she is frumpy tell her you think she's gorgeous! and tell her that IF she is fine with NO sex or even trying, then she CAN'T abuse you infront of people - and that you DONT deserve that! Ask her why she thinks it is lacking now, and ask her what you have asked on here "WTH?!!!"
A lot of us - women - truly feel that guys don't feel the same way! That they are harder, can take more, don't get hurt, don't care etc. And those same women will think "OH he's just saying that to try and have sex, that's ALL they want etc etc" So it justifies them hurting you WITH sex - either as blackmail or as a punishment! She needs to know that you aren't going anywhere IF she doesn't want you to! And she HAS to treat you with more respect than she has!
I am telling you what I tell young women - "You DEMAND to be treated correctly, because IF you take it, they WILL give it!" Put her on the spot and say "WHY did you say that to your family about me, when you KNOW it is you not wanting it?" You have to be honest James - plain and simple! Keep in touch and let me know how it's going OK?
So without attacking her, I want you to say to her, "I LOVE you and I hope you love me too, and I NEED to talk to you and I WANT YOU to listen and hear me OK?" Sit on a couch or a kitchen chair - I was going to say "No where sexual" But It think that's too late for you too! LOL Anyways, hold her hands so she can't waff you off or try and get out of there! and tell her how her jabs make you feel and IF she thinks she is frumpy tell her you think she's gorgeous! and tell her that IF she is fine with NO sex or even trying, then she CAN'T abuse you infront of people - and that you DONT deserve that! Ask her why she thinks it is lacking now, and ask her what you have asked on here "WTH?!!!"
A lot of us - women - truly feel that guys don't feel the same way! That they are harder, can take more, don't get hurt, don't care etc. And those same women will think "OH he's just saying that to try and have sex, that's ALL they want etc etc" So it justifies them hurting you WITH sex - either as blackmail or as a punishment! She needs to know that you aren't going anywhere IF she doesn't want you to! And she HAS to treat you with more respect than she has!
I am telling you what I tell young women - "You DEMAND to be treated correctly, because IF you take it, they WILL give it!" Put her on the spot and say "WHY did you say that to your family about me, when you KNOW it is you not wanting it?" You have to be honest James - plain and simple! Keep in touch and let me know how it's going OK?
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Bambi, thats the thing, I do tell her I love her, I do send her text mesasages when I'm at work saying things like 'hello sexy' .
The problem is she does have a confidence problem . I think it's something she needs real help with, not from me though. Once she gets a thought in her head, she's very suborn and paranoid. She has alot of very attractive, young slim, pretty work collegues and contacts and she compares herself to them, and then shoots herself down.
I think she knows she's in the wrong though. A couple of days after that weekend when we arranged to do it and she said she wasn't ready, I picked her up from the station and she lent over to kiss me and the hand brake dug into her side. She said to me " First time I've had anything hard stick into me for a long time" I said to her " Well you had your chance at the weekend, and you didn't want it"
She simply just lent back over onto her own side of the car and said nothing.
I made a hint the other day that I'd not seen some of those 'special' clothes she used to wear, and she said she'll dig em out. We'll see.
The problem is she does have a confidence problem . I think it's something she needs real help with, not from me though. Once she gets a thought in her head, she's very suborn and paranoid. She has alot of very attractive, young slim, pretty work collegues and contacts and she compares herself to them, and then shoots herself down.
I think she knows she's in the wrong though. A couple of days after that weekend when we arranged to do it and she said she wasn't ready, I picked her up from the station and she lent over to kiss me and the hand brake dug into her side. She said to me " First time I've had anything hard stick into me for a long time" I said to her " Well you had your chance at the weekend, and you didn't want it"
She simply just lent back over onto her own side of the car and said nothing.
I made a hint the other day that I'd not seen some of those 'special' clothes she used to wear, and she said she'll dig em out. We'll see.
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What I'm saying James is to sit her down and REALLY talk to her about how she is making you feel with her snide comments! And you want her to be honest with you! Sarcasm doesn't usually work with women! We are more emotion based, so say to her "Listen - Jenny - I've been REALLY bothered about the way you talk to me lately and I need to know what's going on with you and thus us? You make me feel like c**p and I'm getting REALLY fedup! So what gives?" Take the SEX out of this James - this is NOT about SEX AT ALL! It's about BAD feelings, and no matter how hard you trying reassuring her - she takes it as just a precursour to SEX! So she needs to know that this is NOT that big of a deal for you - it's NOT a deal breaker! BUT the way she is treating you IS! NO neglect, abuse, sarcasm, is warranted in the area of LOVE! With those 3 in the equation it's a TOTAL deal breaker and LOVE destroyer! And you DON'T deserve to be treated like that by someone that is SUPPOSED to love you and visa versa RIGHT? So write it down, memorize it and either tell her or give her a letter! Actually I would say that writing her a letter is FAR more visual - and thus more likely for her brain to take in - than talking to her! As when someone is on the defensive they do NOT hear you!
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Very Well analyzed Bambi.. i think there is nowhere any better words for your problem James.
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