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I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over three years we're both in our early twenties and we have had lots of ups and downs throughout our relationship but I love him so much. We recently had by far the biggest fight last month and from then he really became different. Now a days when we get into an arguement he avoids me or tells me he doesn't want to talk.. Sometimes I try to ignore him and not call him for days hoping he'd miss me or try to call me but its gotten to be so annoying not hearing from or seeing him that I give in and call him just so that I can have some peace of mind. However, when I call and we had argued he doesn't answer and if by luck he does answer he doesn't say much: his excuse "I don't want to fight." You see we fought so many times that it sometimes gone as long as a week of not talking or seeing each other and hes so tired of it but so am I.. but you don't see me giving up on him. We don't really have alot of friends mainly me because I moved into the area about a few years ago and haven't had the best of luck making friends with people I've met. His friends don't really call him and he and I are most of the time hanging out. I know its not good to see each other all the time and I want that to be different thats why I've joined an activity outside of the area without him just so I can have my time and try to make friends.. no luck so far. Hes told me in our fights "I want a social life." "we don't hang out with anyone, its always just you and me." he even had said that he enjoyed the time he has when I'm not around just so that he can do what he wants and not have to worry about me. I thought when someone is in love with you they can't stand not being without you?
we've been good these past few weeks but one night we went to his family-friend's house to hang out with a few people and I just felt so disregarded and alone. He talked to me, was always beside me and ask if I was ok every so often sometimes too often where it got annoying but when he was talking to people it seemed like he focused so much on them like I wasn't even there. once in a while he said something like "oh she (me) goes there too" or jestures to me but basically I was just sitting there not included. I wanted to talk to people and even tried to make conversation with this one girl but she didn't seem to like me. When we left I told him how I felt and instead of being concerned he didn't talk he just said "i don't want to talk" after a while I'd ask him are you going to say anything from what I said and he said "i don't want to talk... its just going to lead to a fight." He wasn't even concerned about me feeling left out or disliked. The next morning I waited to see if he'd call me to talk but of course I was the one who had to call him because I didn't want this to keep going till gosh knows when. he didn't answer the first few times, i knew he was ignoring me but after a few txt and a couple calls he called as I was calling him and we talked. I talked first telling him that look i don't want to fight about this and ruin the progress of the last few weeks so I just want to tell you that "I wasn't looking for a fight last night but just wanted to tell you how I felt about it." He said he shouldn't have drank so much because ( he didn't he took 4 shots and was just a bit tipsy still could make normal conversation) he didn't have the right set mind to really control the conversations and making sure I was included. After I said I was sorry, but him he said this "I'm sorry you felt left out last night." i repeated what he said to him and then he also said "I shouldn't have drank so much so I could have been in the right mind." But this is what he wants he wants.. a social life and so do I but why is it that my feelings don't seem to matter. He would have never called me today if I hadn't called first to talk about this. I don't even know if he was going to talk to me the next couple days. We don't even have sex anymore and I talked to him about it and he told me: "Sex is something important and I don't want to just do it because then you'd say why are you doing it with me if you don't know what you feel." "I'm attracted to you and want to have sex with you but I want to make sure that you don't have anymore doubts of me." I asked him if he still loves me and he says he does. I asked him if he sees me in his future a while ago during the time we were having an arguement and he said this: "I can't see a future of fighting all the time I'm going to go crazy, you drive me to the boiling point." When we're good he holds my hand, kisses me, holds me asks me if I'm alright if I'm quiet, but when we're bad the stuff mentioned earlier are what comes out. HELP! I've been so confused for a while now and really would like some advise. I love him so much and I really can't tell if hes in love with me anymore.

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OK - read the first third. I'll finish the rest later. Hint: it will be easier to read in general if you can break it into paragraphs, roughly corresponding to thoughts or ideas. Right now, it's a pretty heady rush of thought, concern, ideas, issues, kind of like someone showing all the photos they've ever taken in one frenzied rush.

Hate to sound like your English teacher, but to formulate a helpful reply, I have to formulate a coherent model of what's going on in your life - and it's a little difficult with just one long paragraph and stream of concern.

Nevertheless I get the gist - you've got so many things jumbled up in there I'm definitely not going to attempt to address every one of them.

In fact, maybe the biggest issue is just that: that you (two) don't really seem to have any coherent understanding of what you're experiencing, what to expect, what's normal, what's reasonable. You say you're in your twenties, but the whole thing sounds more like a teen thing, so maybe the first thing to look at is how, why, where you learned relationships. If he's pretty much your first, and you don't have a strong circle of friends to define dating and relationships for you, then maybe you learned what should happen from movies, books (do they still print books - I guess... yup those are books all right), magazines?

Hint: forget everything you ever learned about love, true love, really love, love with all your heart, etc., because it seems from what you're writing that this issue has you confused. Right now, I'd say it would be pretty hard to disentangle neediness, pleasure, appreciation, affection, discernment, pragmatism, empathy, and a whole host of other dimensions that go into a sense of 'love' because there's simply too much confusion, too many sparks flying around.

It's not so much that you need a break from him, (though he certainly has done his best to back away from you, if only as he quite reasonably put it to avoid fights), as you need a break from the chaotic thoughts bouncing around inside your head: you're in your early twenties, you really need to get a sense of self that is more coherent, more centred, more self-aware.

TV, the internet, media, are not exactly designed to promote well being, they're designed to promote promotion: what can they sell you?

We need something else, and I'm afraid it means a trip to the book store, or local classes for some of the more centering practices, typically bundled under new age (mind you David Carradine did a pretty mean Kung Fu long before New Age hit). Not so much meditation, I can't imagine you sitting still for that - maybe Tai Chi, but frankly - and I'm not kidding - kick boxing, Tae Kwon Do, something that focuses your mind and your body in clear decisive, action, because clarity is definitely what's lacking: both in your relationship and in your post, so guess what, there could be a connection: go figure!

Dizzy is cute when it's a sham, but it's hell to cope with, when it's real. It will really help you both if you can find some clarity and incisiveness in your thinking, and that, ultimately, is my recommendation: focus on you, go find activities that can help you feel more self-aware, focused, and confident, and then I suspect other matters will click back into place.
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i read your post. i am also in my twenties,i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. our relationship has worked out for so long because we have always made it a point to hang out with friends, have space from one another, and then do things together. its a simple concept but so important. missing someone is healthy and keeps the relationship alive. it sounds to me like maybe you are smothering him a little bit? the easiest way to push someone away is to be too clingy. you need to be independent!! being independent and confidant is not only attractive but its sexy, and it is good for your personal health. i think you need to start doing things that make you happy outside of him that you can do alone...start going for walks, sign up for yoga. go shopping by yourself, just be more independent and he will find it more attractive. i think he still loves you but he is on the verge of getting bored. mix it up a bit, give him a reason to stay interested in you.
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Im sorry for the big, badly structured essay. I just kept writing, just venting sorry, but anyway, I do feel like a mad,crazy teenager acting like this and I want to stop. he isn't my first relationship but I see the same problems with me being more interested in them then they r. So I know it's me that's the problem. Its hard for me to not have him in my mind because I'm always wondering what he's doing, etc. I feel obsessed and I don't want to be because it makes me feel and also look unattractive. Your right too that I portray love as it is in the movies because of the lack of friends and not really having anyone to give me advice that's somewhat the reason I joined this because I want to change and understand what I'm doing wrong.

Today, we got into a heated argument again about his brother's girlfriend again (I gotta explain tha one another time) and now we won't probably talk for I dont know how long. What should I do? I plan on not calling him because first he probably won't answer, secondly I don't want to be that clingy girl anymore, but look his birthday is in a few days and I don't know if I should try and talk to him or should I just leave him alone?

I'm trying to be more productive with myself going to the gym and swimming but how can I make him interested in me again. Sorry to sound pathetic but I want to change!! I don't want to obsess about him I want him to want me again and I know that I'm the one bringing up the fights because I pick on him.
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Well, I confess, that's a much easier post to read! V. elegant.


I think you've got two posts suggesting it's time to get a little centred, and a little more independent.

Figuring out what to do to get someone back is almost always a dismal failure - if they're keen, they'll be in touch.

The most cringe-making opening scene I ever saw - way too 'been there done that' was - help me out here - a guy calling a girl five times to correct his previous message, until she finally picks up and says don't call me, ever, again.

Hint: people are insecure, and really, really like the idea that the person they're with validates them: hang out with a pop star, you must be cool; hang out with bright people, you must be smart. Who's your boyfriend hanging out with? Who are you really? Irony is, the more you focus on yourself and your life, and making it as exciting and fulfilling as possible, you'll be honey for the guys - where do you think that comes from? Bright, vivacious, intelligent, sexy, vamp - it doesn't matter what your 'pull' is, what you naturally enjoy being, but when you naturally enjoy being you, guys will flock to the door.

There's at least one (hundred million) guy(s) for every type of girl: dizzy, bright, quiet, adventurous, resourceful, b*tch (bizarre, but hey), pushover, victim, martyr, you name it: someone will bale you out. I love confident, but I'm a sucker for victims: let me help you... why would I be on a health site 'being useful' instead of being out having fun?

So find your identity, before you start worrying again how to snare him: give him some space, and get involved in you.

To paraphrase Hitch - you is a very fluid concept right now.

Explore it.
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Sounds like to me that there are some youthful games going on. No offense. It happens. From a 40-year old guy who is going through his own problems right now. HONESTY and NO GAMES. Not calling him in the hopes that he would eventually call because he missed you is not the right way to handle it. He probably thinks that you're still pissed off at him, or don't care enough to talk to him about it.

Conversation is everything. If your significant other doesn't communicate well with you, or you don't communicate well with them. You're in trouble. All it takes is 1 of you to be a bad communicator and there's gonna be trouble. Be open and honest about who you are, and I don't mean in conversation. I mean in actions. Do what you want. Be open about who you are on a daily basis in your actions and in your conversation. If there's problems with that... then there will be problems always.

Yes, it's good to have friends, but a social life shouldn't be a divider in a relationship. My wife has a social life and I don't. I have friends, but I never see them because I'm at home with the kids. Social lives destroy relationships. Yes, have friends. There's nothing wrong with that, but if you guys are both craving outside personalities, then it seems to me that you WILL ALWAYS BE CRAVING OUTSIDE PERSONALITIES.

You love him, but you're young. Maybe you guys need some time away from each other to explore who you each are and whether or not having a social life and friends is more important than having each other. Personally, now that I'm forty, I wish I hadn't mulled over so many trivial things in my life. I missed out on a lot of relationships that never happened because I was either afraid, uncertain or bogged down by a MAYBE THEIR THE ONE personality that kept me from saying 'yes' to somebody else.
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