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My fiance has an adult child who has never really been involved in his dad's life - through no fault of his dad. We are about to marry and now the son has decided he wants to make up for lost time and wants to move here right away. My fiance can't help but be excited at the thought of finally connecting with his son (who is in his late twenties!); however, it has truly thrown a wrench into our relationship. I'm limited as to what I can say as this is his son. But we are in the middle of forming our own family, and starting our life together, and this is the way it has been from the beginning - the three of us including my minor child. I truly resent the situation and, now, the son. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?!?

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Before you read into this, I will warn you that you asked for an opinion.  Like it or hate it I'm giving you my best.

Clarify one thing, where is the "adult child" going to live?  He's in his late 20's so should be able to support himself.  In that case, offer to help him find an apartment before he moves.  He should not be moving in with you for any length of time.  A short visit is one thing but until he "finds a place" is something else.

You may resent the situation but you need to accept it.  It is his son.  How would you feel if it was your child that wanted to connect?  Try to put yourself into his shoes for a minute.  This is a good thing.  Try to welcome his son into your life and not feel resentful.  The only way I can put it is to say that you are being selfish.  Force him to choose and you will lose.  At the least he'd regret the opportunity to reconnect but he will always carry that burden with him and know who forced him to make that choice.

Get to know his son as a person before you condemn him.  He's not stealing your husband to be.  If anything it's a sign as to your fiancee's level of patience, understanding, and the love for his son.

Hope it helps.


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Thank you - I'm trying to be open but I've not been very successful at it. Part of my problem is that at 27 years of age you need to be self sufficient, and that is not the case here. I'm in a bad place b/c this IS his son, and I know how I would feel if the tables were turned and we were talking about my child. But his son needs to act like the 27 year old man he is, not the 7 year old child.
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If the son is not self-sufficient like you said, then I can understand the issue.  You're planning a wedding and now you have another stress to deal with.

Don't interfere with the relationship.  It's a positive thing that they're reconnecting now.  However, speak with your fiance about what you're willing to be a part of.  If you don't want the son to move in with you guys or for there to be a lot of financial support, it's very important that you voice that.  Of course, do it in a respectful manner.  Sit down and both talk about your feelings.  Use I statements, such as "I think..." and "I feel..."  Also, listen to what he has to say.  Validate what he says; don't jump at the chance to dismiss what he said or get defensive.  After all the feelings are on the table, come to a conclusion and/or compromise.
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