How do react to an (now) ex-girl friends Bi polar (perhaps) behaviour?

Hi Eric,

Please don't take offence at any of my reply- It's not meant. I just don't understand some of what you have written, so need to clarify/question a few points.

Quote:

I am so careful writing on forums like this. I find that we have learned so
many terms and mental matters that we perhaps relate any different
characteristic between two people by naming it some "mental disorder of some
kind". Blame in relationships goes both ways.

A mental disorder is not a social phenomenon, so I don't understand what you're saying here. A mental disorder is a deficit and/or impairment in mental and cognitive functioning, which impacts on behaviour and further mental schemas. Mental disorders can effect relationships (i.e, a relationship being defined as an attachment between 2 or more people), but they are not a social phenomenon. A mental disorder is something suffered individually. Thus- can you elaborate and clarify your point here, please.

Quote:

My
initial questions are:

·
How far do we go defining what is related BP disorder in compared with "normal
not compatible characters" in a relationship atmosphere?

There is a manual of cognitive & behavioural characteristics related to mental health disorders. It's called the DSMIV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). However, mental health is not a clear case of biology, so some disorders can be co-morbid (i.e, 2 or more suffered at one time), especially in the case of Personality Disorders. Furthermore, it's quite a tricky thing to diagnose a mental health disorder and when a mental health professional diagnoses a disorder, many factors have to be taken in to consideration- not just the symptoms listed in the DSMIV-TR.

Yet...I think your question is more concerned with how we define if one part of a couple is suffering with a mental health disorder, while the other may not be? Is this right? Or are you asking if we can define bi-polar characteristics as an effect on a relationship, in comparison to the status-quo characteristics of a relationship?

In that case, it would be behaviour in the relationship related to whatever characteristics are typically related to the disorder. Relationships have ups and downs- neither party has to be a BP sufferer for that to happen! Yet if there are negative aspects of the relationship which are being instigated or caused by the typical characteristics of BP in one party; then that's related to the BP. For example, a typical feature of severe bi-polar is manic episodes, which include delusions of granduer, hightened awareness and paranoia and increased energy. If say, your partner suffers these types of episodes frequently and they are having a negative impact on your relationship- say perhaps, by them putting themselves at risk and causing anxiety; spending spree's that impact on the household expenses/bills; inconsistant illogical accusations (I say inconsistant, because some people are simply paranoid- no mental health disorder needed! Yet most relationship paranoia is due to an insecure attachment- and this is not completely 'normal' either.)- then it's likely that the characteristics of BP are affecting the relationship.

 
Quote:

I was always found mental disorders to be a grey zone. Especially if its light
and not in an extreme mode, hence easier to diagnose. I also believe that we all
have some "mental disorder" characteristics.

Mental health disorders are 'sometimes' a grey zone! However, I like to think of it as a mosaic- there are grey patches, but most of it's colour. Some are quite easy to diagnose- some not so much. What you say as 'light' you mean lower on the spectrum, don't you? In other words, there are some people with slight problems and others with severe...and yes- you are right. There is a whole spectrum of them out there! But they are not easy to diagnose- whether they are 'light' or an 'extreme mode'. In fact, light are very hard to diagnose and are mostly likely more severe than the patient is letting on. There are also a ton of catagories from Personality Disorders to the Psychopathies. And a whole load of pieces to each jigsaw- the causes of mental health problems range from genetics and biology to enviroment and what kind of fillings you have!

However, a couple of things that are consistant and black and white in mental health disorders is time and social perceptions/definitions.

Throughout time, 'madness' and its varieties has been regarding as a human phenomenon in one way or another. Going back hundreds of years, people who would have been classed 'mad' in today's society would have been regarded as a prophet or soothsayer (or witch and burned at the stake!). Later, 'mad' was chained up and beaten. More recently, medicated and institutionalized. Thankfully, now- it's more likely to be understood. Yet we still have a culture of medication, where therapy is needed. Perhaps we are yet to evolve a little more, where mental health is concerned.

I also agree with you that we are all a little mad. What is normative behaviour? Normative behaviour is what is deemed by a society as socially acceptable and/or socially normal. Yet behind closed doors, are we all 'normal'? Personally, I judge by attachment and situation and try not to label anyone with a diagnosis. Mental health problems can be a result of situational problems- stress is a great trigger, especially in bi-polar disorder and right now, there is a lot of stress around. The recession, terrorism and a number of other global factors can cause this, so I expect there are a lot of people who are suffering with one kind of mental health disorder right now. Grief is another one- this can set off mental health problems, which in turn can cause physical health problems. 

There is an increased use in drugs at present (legal and illegal)- what's to say that this isn't an effect of an increase in mental health problems? It's been shown in studies that having a pre-requisite to a mental health problem (i.e, a genetic/enviromental disposition- parent suffering from disorder; abuse, neglect, childhood 'disruptions') and early, socially undetected symptoms (such as lone para-suicides, looming maladaptive thought schemas and minor depression) increase the risk of an individual abusing drugs- particularly in adolenscence, when certain biological changes are taking place. With drugs, abuse at this point in a person's life can lead to biological changes in the brain that later lead to mental health problems. As a lot of drug experimentation went on from the 1960's and is still going on in the present day; you can almost guarentee that around 45%-90% of individuals suffer with some kind of pre-disposition to a mental health disorder- or indeed, the mental health disorder, itself.

However- I'm going to throw another cookie in the jar and reveal that despite everything I've said- my biggest theory to mental health disorders comes from the attachment theory. I've done my own study on a factor of psycholgical distress and attachment, which was presented at the BPS (British Psychological Society) this year.

Quote:

My
final question is:

·
If I give some details of the patters of my ex-girlfriend, would any one of you
have the experience to say: "That's it"

I
see many similar stories in this forum which I can relate to. I there for want
to qualify my attempt by advising what symptoms I have seen in the past 2 1/2
years. Then ask for advice if it really turns out to a BP matter (which I am
almost certain off)

I'd need more than your experience. I'd need a little of her background: birth order (how many & what siblings), a bit about what her relationship is like with her parents; what her relationship is like with her friends- current and past; when the symptoms 1st started; how regular and characteristics; deomgraphics (not too personal, obviously! Guessing- U.S? Country & socio-economic status, i.e; class & enviromental factors- are you under financial pressure? Are you homeless? Career status? Age? approximate- don't need to be too personal).

I won't say- 'That's it!'- because I can't. Not only are mental health problems hard to diagnose, but I don't believe they can be done through a computer. I can give you an educated guess as to what her characteristics are typical to- but I won't say 'That's it'. If you really need a proper bonefide label- you have to go to your G.P or a mental health practitioner.

I completely understand that you're looking for support and you have come to a cool place to find it. I haven't met any real trolls around here yet! However, I also think you're looking for a label, so you can box certain behaviours that are coming from your girlfriend. It may be a case of incompatibility- or as you say, she has previously stated, it could be the bi-polar. If she is indeed, bi-polar, then from what I know of the disorder, she either needs to take regular medication or she should be practicing some lifestyle BP prevention strategies. Especially, if it is impacting on your relationship- and more specifically, impacting negatively on her life.

From a first hand feel, it's not easy living with a mental health disorder. Yet the sufferers are not the only victims- our families and loved-one's feel the flack too, but sometimes there's not a damn thing we can do to stop it!

I have a sneaky suspition that your girlfriend's childhood was a bit shite. I honestly believe that early, childhood attachment is paramount in predicting mental health disorders and relationship behaviour later on in life, so whether your girlf is BP or not; it's obvious that there are problems in your relationship that are due to her behaviour, which is in turn due to whatever she has gone through in the past.

Perhaps focus on that, rather than her label or the label you want to give her?

Good Luck and look forward to your repl:-)

V