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My mother died in a hit and run when i was 12 years old i was with her when they took her to the hospital ,but she died on the way to the hospital. Since then i was was scared to driver a car.Now that i am 30 i force my self to enroll in a driving school when through all the required lessons before i learn to drive with my instructor . But each time i sit behind the drivers seat all i can think about i what happen to my mother .It

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It would be very strange if you did not have such a fixation, after such an incident.

I still vividly remember seeing an old person in a home, and being very scared, just of old age and loneliness - and that was just my grandmother, and nothing bad happening, so now magnify that 1000x and how strongly that must have imprinted in your mind.

So if understand it correctly, your mother died by being hit by a car, and quite rationally, the thought that you could be the person to cause such pain - I presume - is what ultimately has you prefer to not be a driver.

The question is, do you want to drive?

It would appear that you can operate entirely rationally in life, that you have full cognitive ability, including the skill to drive under instruction. Is there any reason you need to learn to drive?

If you would like to learn to drive, then the issue becomes, how to operate from your particular position.

Ultimately, I'm going to short-cut a lot of thinking here, and point out a couple of things:

Firstly, that every decision, every choice, we make is rational. It was rational for you not to want to drive, and if you want to be able to drive without being overly distracted by your memory, then we need to find a rational way for your mind to assimilate that.

There are any number of resources that might help, but I personally would avoid any that deal with it as a 'problem', and investigate those that are as rational as you are, such as hypnotherapy, working with the subconscious mind, and a personal development enquiry - check out your bookstore - learn how powerful your mind is, and see your position as a strength.

In the moment of seeing your mother hit, you made a decision - you could have made many decisions, and appreciating the choice you made, may give you some freedom to explore other choices.

- you chose to never be the driver, the cause of such pain
- you could have chosen to be a doctor, ambulance driver, policeman, determined to ease such pain
- you could have chosen to be an engineer, to build cars that could never hurt anyone
- you could have chosen to be a politician, to ban cars from the roads entirely (glad you didn't do that one)
- you could have chosen to be a driving instructor, to ensure no one ever made that mistake again
- you could have chosen to be a street and urban architect, to keep people and cars separate
- you could have chosen to be the best driver ever, to ensure you at least would never cause such pain
- you could have chosen to be a pilot, to stay far away from roads and people, for as long as possible
- you could have chosen to be a sailor, for the same reason
- you could have chosen to hide and never go on the streets again, but clearly you did not
- you could have chosen a million different things, instead you chose, in a sense, to not choose, because you were 12

- by not choosing, you can only remember, but not decide, not take responsibility
- a 12 yr old cannot really take responsibility
- a 30yr old can
- a 12 yr old cannot process the loss of the most important person in their life
- a 30 yr old can
- a 12 yr old can understand and recognise that life is a vast rich and fleeting mosaic
- a 30 yr old can

- consider areas where you have taken responsibility - in your job, in your family, with your friends
- ask yourself whether it is better that someone who has no idea how dangerous a car can be should be driving, or someone who does know, and has learned how to drive safely because of it
- explore other similar-but-different skills, where responsibility and safety matter:
- scuba diving,
- learn to fly
- learn to sail
- ride a bicycle
- learn to ride a motorbike
- hang gliding

- notice how capable you are in every aspect of your life
- notice how you manage apparently to negotiate streets, transport, in every aspect but this

- above all, speak to your mother, address her in your mind, regardless of how you think of her, where you think she is, or whether she exists at all, speak to the memory, speak to her, and ask her advice, and listen

you lost the most important person in your life at the most critical moment of your life

driving is nothing compared to that - it could have been a building collapsing, fire, anything, you lost her, and that is the only thing that really matters - acknowledge that, acknowledge her - the car was just a car, what really matters was her, and you, and losing her

you do not need to drive, but if you do drive, please take the time to drive carefully, because the irony is, if you can't think of anything but that incident, you will be inviting a re-creation of your worst nightmare - but if you can appreciate that you are now a mature experience human being, you have many choices, and responsibilties, and driving is only one of them

best of luck with your exploration
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