I don't really know what to think. I seem to be coming to a realization that maybe my mother is emotionally abusive. I will give you the example of what just happened. I lied, I lied about my grades saying that I was doing good when I wasn't. Then she saw them and got really angry. She told me I was stupid, saying that I would never get into college because i'm just that stupid. She threatened to break my computer and I got really scared and started crying because it has all of my writing in it which means a lot much to me. She threw it (thank got it didn't break but she wanted it to) and told me how I wont be able to do anything and that I would sit and do nothing for the whole summer. She told me that I wouldn't get into college and that I would be working at a fast food restaurant my whole life. When I asked her why she was tearing me down she said that it makes her feel calm. She told me that she has so much anger towards me that she wanted to bash my head into the wall. She left a little after that to go do something.
Another time a few days ago I asked her if instead of family vacation with her family, that we do every year, maybe this year I could go see my dads family because it's my cousins 16th birthday. I haven't been to her birthday for years because of the vacation and I know that this birthday was a special one she was having a big party for and I'm really close with her and she lives far away so I rarely get to see her. I really wanted to go to her party. My mom got mad at that and said that the vacation was one of the only things she looks forward to and she told me I ruined it for her. She told me that she hated her life and wanted to die. I cut myself when she said that. When I get overwhelmed, its what I do. She apologized to me a little later.
Sometimes when I don't want to go to the gym with her she tells me that i'm fat (which I am) and that I need to go. She tells me that she just wants me to be healthy but even when I was little she pointed out my "gut". I remember one time when I was about 8, we were shopping for jeans and she got frustrated because none of them fit. She told me that it was so hard shopping for jeans for me because my legs were short and my stomach was big.
These aren't all the stories but I think it's enough.
I've had time to reflect on this as you can probably tell. As I said before, I don't know what to think. Was it my fault? Is she emotionally abusive? Is this normal for a mother to do even if I did lie? Or was it my fault for lying? Is any of this normal at all?
Big thanks to all who answer!