Long-time stoner in disguise

I found this line interesting, "...I don't want my son to emulate me." Your post doesn't seem to convey anything negative about pot, but it seems strange that you don't want your son to pick it up. Is it only because of the illegal aspect?

Beyond that I don't think you necessarily have to stop outright. You seem to be doing alright as is. I personally don't smoke and never will again after a very bad experience that's had lingering effects. That being said, I don't think marijuana is hugely harmful except when you try to stop after long term use or you have entirely too much at once.

You seem to have a pretty good control over your life while smoking, I don't think it would be horrible for you to continue. However, I think it would be a very good idea to cut back.

If at any point it starts to be a problem in your life you should quit. Lessening to 1-2 joints a day and eventually every other day, etc, could help if quitting cold turkey is too much.

Good luck!

I wouldn't worry about it. Pot's less addictive or harmful than tobacco, and a lot more fun. Where are you able to find lots of anything good? Need anyone to help you increase your high? There are some good ways to concentrate the pot and/or the smoke produced by it.

I am in tears reading your response. Thank you for reaching out to me, and for not judging me. Yes, my concern is the illegality of pot. Primarily, that is my main concern. I don't want my 9-yr old to see me or know, because as his teenage years approach I don't want to be that dude in the commercial - staring down at his kid - hearing "From you OK? I learned it by watching you!" He has never seen me smoke, and never will.... Last night was very rough...I slept only 40 minutes all night. I had night sweats, my heart raced, and I tossed and turned. I called several recovery centers, who all said they offer only psychological counseling for this addiction, which I don't feel I need. My concern is the intense withdrawal symptoms they say set in around day 4 to 10 of abstinence. Right now I'm cold turkey...but if it continues to be so difficult I will, as you said, wean myself off - or at least minimize my smoke time. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Your words brought me comfort and I appreciate your kindness!

No, thank you. LOL if you are looking to score, I think you're in the wrong spot. I appreciate your response though.

Hey I totally feel you! I am 34 and have smoked since I was 13. The last 12 years or so it has been HEAVY use because of access to free medical marijuana so we are talking pretty much every day ALL day long and I could easily go through a quarter a day and that's just an average day. So, I was totally functional like you, got great grades in college, kept a job, had a social life, clean house lol, etc. At the point of serious abuse and addiction I really just used it to stay 'normal', not really getting the high that my friends who don't smoke much get when they occasionally do. I always thought they were full of it when they would be SO BAKED like woah, I can't drive, I'm so wrecked! Really? I always wished I got high but alas my tolerance knew no bounds at all. I never quit for a few days and then smoked either, never ever it was all or nothing with me.

So here is when I knew it was really bad: It was a 6 hour trip up our coast line to seaside OR. My mom and I (who is also a chronic user) were about an hour away and pulled over to roll and smoke one and realized neither of us had packed it. I can not even explain or do justice to the fallout that happened when we realized we would not have any weed during our 3 night trip. She was so pissed I didn't pack it, I was panicking and saying lets just go back and get it! Yeah, drive an extra 10 hours to get the loot! I was seriously devastated though and really pissed off. I started throwing things around looking for it and then combed under the seats and found 4 huge roaches...we are talking at least 3 gram joints my mom would roll. So I told her lets just try and make these last and get a small pipe when we hit seaside and right away the panic stopped. I wasn't thrilled to have to conserve but I did notice how much higher I got at the end of the day only smoking a few hits. Anyway I knew in my heart then that I had a real problem on my hands if I couldn't just enjoy life on life's terms for a few days without it and there was no way I could.

flash forward about 2 years- I went through some heavy stuff with my husband and was having a lot of depression and anxiety for about a month. I just didn't want to do anything and during that time I really cut back smoking. The less I smoked the less I wanted it because the higher I got and because of my mental state I just wasn't feeling it anymore. I decided I really could quit and this was still living with my mom who smoked everyday although out in the laundry room:D But I just made a choice and stuck with it and really wanted to meet my authentic self and see if I would like life as much. Guess what? I totally love my sober life. I quit Feb. so it's been 5 months. In that time I have smoked 3 times on 'special occasions' and all 3 times I thought I dropped acid it was so intense. One was at the play of 'the secret garden' OMG I was laughing so hard at parts no one else was laughing at so hard it was shaking the whole row of seats! I really couldn't handle our front row seats and we had to move to the back. I think I will still partake with friends and fam once in while because for whatever reason I was delivered from it and don't need it like I did. This letter to you would be so much different if I was stoned, might not even exist.

Some changes are I dream now and keep a dream journal and it's so amazing to have my dreams back. I made out with obama who was my teacher in a classroom (didn't even vote for him or like him lol), I was together with axl rose who was a hippie in a wheelchair, sexy dream about gordon ramsey lmao, and one of the first ones was I was lip syncing to one of bob marleys songs at this little market concert and he saw me and nodded for me to come over and smoke with him and his band...later I found this beach and the waves were dark and rough, the sun was so bright like a fireball and I was out of sunscreen...as in careful you don't get burned! Also dreams of escaping fires, dreams of old friends and houses, too many to ever write here. Point is it did such for awhile but I'm happier for it. I'm not in a fog all the time and I really like my life just being me. I used to pass out every single night by 9 pm and now I'm a night owl who doesn't have the same sleep patterns at all but it's cool. I also read now, tons of books since feb. more than all the books put together from my whole life! I aM a reader!!!! before I was just a tele addict and I still watch but not in a coma. I get bored easier, I don't laugh at every little thing anymore but I still laugh a lot. I just wanted you to know someone has been there and done that and It's not that bad. I never thought the day would come when I would be free of it but it came and I'm free and happy. And yeah the  legal reasons are true, at 23 I was pulled over and they tried to get me for dui because smoke rolled out of the car lol, but I was such a professional stoner I convinced them I was sober but they found weed in my car and I got a 1000 dollar ticket, lost my license for 6 months and kicked out of school for a year and a half. Not good times at all. But on the other hand it's the not the demon drug everyone thinks it is, you and I both know that! I'd rather be around a pot head than a drunk ANY day! Plus it's a wonderful medicine God gave us for a special reason. NO one can tell you what to do, but if you feel convicted just give it up and see what happens but give it enough time for you to meet your real self like I did. It's not going anywhere, you can always light up again right? You only have this one life so just do your best with what you have and see what you like best. It's a hard addiction I never thought I could kick but I'm proof life after weed isn't bad at all, I promise!

Wow...thanks so much for your honest and heart-felt response. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me with such a personal experience. I am hopeful, that one day, I can be marijuana free. Ironically I have a trip coming up and the thought of going with refer is vexing to say the least. Ideally, I'd like to kick the habit completely and as you say, indulge if I choose to on special occasions. I am inspired by your kind words, and I thank you for reaching out to me. I have tried to "wean" - but I'm thinking that cold turkey is probably best for me...if I can suffer through the withdrawal. This is my biggest concern, really. 30+ years of daily use will be a hard habit to break. I was intrigued by your note of "getting to know myself" - I really need to. I finally am beginning to feel it just has been too long since I've seen my former self. I would really love to keep in touch - and would appreciate your moral support.  Thank you again....so much for your note.

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Hey no problem! I think it was fate that I saw your post and felt I should tell you how awesome I feel! I know what you mean about the wean! I don't think I could have done that if my situation had been the same ol' same ol' but because I was so stressed it just worked out that way. It has made me feel like I can do anything and 3 months ago I got a second job which I'd been wanting to do forever but just wasn't ever motivated and 2 weeks ago I quit smoking cigs! I really do feel great not having all the vices. The withdrawal is pretty lame but it's not like coming off of opiates or anything, but yes, you will feel bad for a little while. Don't let that be the reason you never try because like I was saying it's not going anywhere and you can always just light up if it's too much. THe pain I felt the first 2 days without a ciggy was SO much worse than what I felt the first 2 weeks without pot, at least physically. And those first few days without smokes was the reason I never wanted to quit. It's like that saying it's going to get worse before it gets better, but it gets so much better after the bad parts! The meeting your authentic self was advice from my school's drug counselor like 8 years ago when I told him I was really addicted and thinking about it but didn't want to stop. He said 'but you don't even know your real self if you've been high since 13...you could be someone totally different' that pretty much freaked me out. I told him I get it but I don't WANT to quit, I LIKE smoking it and I do just fine in life! He told me it's all choices but how interesting it would be to quit for 6 months and meet my authentic self (that's how long he said it would take to get totally normal after any kind of serious abuse, sometimes even longer) So all these years later I'm meeting me and it's fabulous lol. I wish we could exchange emails but it looks like it's forbidden so not sure how to keep in touch? I saved this to my favorites so I will check in time to time and see how you are! If I backslide and start smoking anything I will tell you first lol All the best and remember what madeline said in the hospital, " I can do ANYTHING" :D

Yes, sadly...I provided my email for you but they won't let it post. I appreciate their caution. :) All the psychos out there, I guess you never know! Would be awesome to find a supportive, non-judgemental, and positive friend such as you who knows my past history and accepts me for the person I am. I am a big fan of awesome, kick a** women, which you definitely seem to be. Well, all I can say is you've been an inspiration. I suppose that I am the world's biggest hypocrite for telling all 150 of my students (and my own son) that smoking is bad and is something we shouldn't do. I HATE excuse makers, but 30 years ago when I started smoking pot and yes, cigs too, the dangers weren't known and we didn't care. This doesn't matter much anyway...because I still do it even though I know better and am fully aware of the dangers they both can cause if used in excess, which I definitely do. Like you, I enjoy smoking and don't really want to quit, which is probably why I never have. But now that my kid is involved here, it's a game changer. It's a new world today. I guess I feel the most conflicted when I look at my son. I know he needs me and I feel like I am letting him down. It's much more likely that I'll kick it for good for him, rather than myself. On the flip side, if the grew up to be a casual pot smoker I could probably accept it if he did it "responsibly" - if there is such a thing. Half of me wants to say "Screw you world! I've smoked pot forever and I'm successful". I want to take all those perfect job performance reviews I've gotten over the last 8 years and throw them in the school board's face and say "HA! I've been stoned every day!" I want to bring my smart handsome outgoing and loving kid to those medical professionals who told me that smoking pot would have a terrible effect on my child and say "HERE HE IS! My luscious honor-roll kid. Son of a stoner. Check him out!" LOL I want to go on Dr. Phil and tell the world that stoners can kick ass. Then the other half of me finds myself hiding around corners so my kid won't see me taking a toke, or avoiding people because I am stoned, or not inviting people to my home because I don't want them to know my 'secret life," Other times I just feel ashamed. Lately though, I really feel pissed off....that something has control over me. As a rule, I kick butt and take names, and I definitely don't like to be controlled by any one or anything. So, just on spite I guess (I'm a stubborn SOB, ya know)...I will give it a go. Your note came at the perfect time and I appreciate every world of support you've given me. I can't make any promises to others or to myself that I will be successful, but will give it a try....for what it's worth. I'm sure I'll need your moral support, LOL, I'll likely be bending steel with my bare hands before long. I'll keep you posted. Thanks again, so much. Talk soon, do-gooder. :)

Hey gannongirl! Sorry for the slow response I had a busy week and wedding to help with last sat. Yes, I smoked a little and now I know for sure i am a social alien when I do smoke not like when I always did and it was just the way I remained normal. I was not normal lol. I had some wine and was chatting with my friends friends and her family being the social butterfly I have always been and then it got later and I decided who cares it's a special occasion I'm going to roll one up and smoke it (it is still around). So about 10 minutes later i was a nervous wreck and sat in a lawn chair facing away from everyone and I got really paranoid about driving up river to the after party so I ended up being the last person there with the grandma and it was still a bad trip when I had to drive 2 towns over at midnight thinking all kinds of weird sh*t :D As for your amazing boy you smoking pot will not screw him up! But I had to lmao at your reference to that commercial, man that thing played every single day for years and was definitely a total brainwash so I can see how maybe that's haunted you! But seriously, I would rather have my kid see me doing that than smoking cigs every hour or drinking every night! I also have to say since I quit the cigs too I'm a real b***h when I drive and just in general I'm a lot more agro which is hard. I like feeling free and easy and stress-less and just happy and mellow. It's weird to know this is what I really am, a type A crazy driving super sensitive freak! lol just kidding it's not that bad, but it is different. I'm curious how you're doing or if you have tried to kick the habit even just for a day or 2? I would love to be your support if you need it and wonder if you quit and start if you will feel super strange too? I do understand what you mean by stoners kicking ass because yeah, I always felt that exact same way about myself and others who just chill, laugh love and have a great and productive life smoking herb. I will never judge anyone and only examine myself as far as my habits go and I know my limits and what's good and what's not and it differs at different times in life. A season to smoke and a season to refrain, that sort of thing! so funny you would call me do-gooder; that was my official nickname after I went straitlaced Christian for the most part when I was 17! Before that I was evil so no one could really believe it had happened so do-gooder just stuck. lol but the one thing I never eva let go of till now was the herbage :D Wish I could get my email to ya! But I will check in soon! Hope you're doing good