I feel truely lost. I grewup abused in everyway possible. I am in a better stituation now but not by much. I am engaged to a good guy but he's also really messed up from being a former addict who lives with me. He and I both get a gov check but it's not enough to live on and pay rent and bills so I do BDSM which I hate to fill in the rest of the money we need. I also go to school in hopes of maybe getting a better life for us. I have flashbacks all the time from the trauma I lived through and I struggle with bulima. I'm so depressed and think about taking my life all the time. I hate the mental health system because it's so broken and I've been through it so many times and it contributed to more problems that it could have solved which it didn't. I trust almost noone in person and I don't hold religious beliefs because they all sound like their selling somthing. My 26th birthday's coming up soon and my fiance asked me if he could do somthing special for me and I said a funneral at dawn. I'm really at a loss of what to do if there's even anything I can or should I just give up. Could someone give me some advice?
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A couple of thoughts...
I heard about a youtube video an older gay made to help young gays deal with the grief they get from others. He called it: "It Gets Better".
As an older guy myself, I couldn't help but think back to my youth, and some of the times things really seemed hopeless. A mistake a lot of young adults make is when they fail to realize how long life really is, and that more times than not, it really does get better. If you can accept this likelihood, It should help you to keep on keepin' on for a while until things do improve.
Also... When I was younger, I used to see a bumper sticker that said "One Day at a Time" quite often. Never realized what it meant until much later (MO for alcoholics anonymous). This mantra may also be useful to one who feels they may have no future. Just survive today and do what you can to make tomorrow a little bit better. If you can keep this up long enough, eventually, things just might get better!
Make a timeline... Just draw a long line on a piece of paper. Mark off the decades of your life, from childhood to 80. Look at where you are now... Bearly started on your journey. It's been a bad start, but if you survive the next decade, It's likely you may be in a better place than you are today. Now start dreaming... Where would you like to be in 10 years, 20, 30. Start listing your dreams for these times on your timeline. Dreams often don't come true, but sometimes they do! Thinking about how you might make some (one!) of these dreams come true can take your mind off what is going on in your life now. Please give it a try.
Good Luck and GodSpeed to you both.
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