My daughter is a recovering addict. She has been sick since she was 14 years old, she is now 27. The last 3 years, her drug of choice was IV heroin use. She has been in and out of jail so many times that the Deps all know her by her first name.
She is now 8 months clean. After spending almost 10 weeks in jail, then being transferred to an in patient rehab for a few months, now in a mandated half way house until June of 09. She is also on probation for 3 years.
She wrote me a letter from her home and faxed it to me yesterday, i would just like to share it with you.
Mommy,
I'm sorry, i'm so sorry. I hurt the person who loves me the most, no matter what i did. You never hung up the phone when i called on you, you never said "your on your own", you never walked away. I felt your love, even in some of my most darkest times. My mom, my beautiful mom, i adore you. I have asked you for so many second chances, but it wasn't necessary because you never gave up on me. So many people told you to walk away, let her go, give up, but you never did. I heard the fear in your voice over the phone so many times, i could hear you crying, tho you pretended not to.
Mom, i thought so many times that i was going to die. All i ever cared about was when i was going to feel that needle. I was actually in love with it. I stole, i lied, anything to catch that high. I took so much money from you. Remember i would tell you i had an ear infection or a bad tooth or something that warranted me to see the doctor? I didn't. I would tell you that because i knew that you would give me money to see the (pretend) doctor to take care of my (pretend) tooth ache. I always played that "i am sick card" because you didn't want me to be in pain, ever.
You apologized for having me arrested 8 months ago. You do not need to. You saved my life mom. If you didn't make that call, who knows where i would be now. I hated you that day. As my head cleared, i knew that you saved my life. No one else would make that call, exept you. Everyone talked a lot and called me names, even dad. It was all you mom, you gave me another chance at life, which i am taking this time. You told me that you refused to bury any of your kids. If i died mom, you would have too. How selfish would i have been to have robbed the world of a careing soul and hugh heart. We all need you, i need you the most.
So mom, i love you with my whole heart and soul. I can't wait to see on Christmas. We always loved that day. You always made it happy and fun. Did you make cookies? Tho i now weigh 125 pounds and really don't need those cookies, what the hell, right?
Mom, you can now sleep soundly and peacefully. You no longer need to take 3 phones into your bedroom at night. You don't need to run to the window when a car pulls into the driveway. That call will never come, and you will never see a police officer at your door, (at least not because of me, ha ha)
The last time i saw you, you looked so tired, your eyes weren't smiling like they always did, and what's up with greys? You need to hit that bottle, and soon. Just kidding. I aged, you i know i did. Please forgive me.
Well, gotta go for now. I have to be at the dinner table at exactly 5 or i get a ticket.
But before i go, just know how much i love you mom, and know that i feel your arms around me all the time. My brave and strong mom, you never gave up and you never once stopped loving me. I wish every one could have a mom like you, this world would be such a better place. I am fighting my demons and i am winning, for the first time, i am winning. But i was a winner the day i was born, to have you for my mom.
Love you,
Julie
I have read and re read this letter several times, and cry every damn time. I just want any one who has a child or someone special with this problem, that there is hope. I never gave up on her. And i knew that someday she would come back to me, and she did.
So never throw in the towel, no matter how black it looks.
I pray for everyone who has an experience close to mine. For someone who doesn't know where their child is like i did many nights. Who is afraid to answer the phone for fear that it's bad news on the other end. I pray your pain goes away and that you will feel the joy like i have.
She is now 8 months clean. After spending almost 10 weeks in jail, then being transferred to an in patient rehab for a few months, now in a mandated half way house until June of 09. She is also on probation for 3 years.
She wrote me a letter from her home and faxed it to me yesterday, i would just like to share it with you.
Mommy,
I'm sorry, i'm so sorry. I hurt the person who loves me the most, no matter what i did. You never hung up the phone when i called on you, you never said "your on your own", you never walked away. I felt your love, even in some of my most darkest times. My mom, my beautiful mom, i adore you. I have asked you for so many second chances, but it wasn't necessary because you never gave up on me. So many people told you to walk away, let her go, give up, but you never did. I heard the fear in your voice over the phone so many times, i could hear you crying, tho you pretended not to.
Mom, i thought so many times that i was going to die. All i ever cared about was when i was going to feel that needle. I was actually in love with it. I stole, i lied, anything to catch that high. I took so much money from you. Remember i would tell you i had an ear infection or a bad tooth or something that warranted me to see the doctor? I didn't. I would tell you that because i knew that you would give me money to see the (pretend) doctor to take care of my (pretend) tooth ache. I always played that "i am sick card" because you didn't want me to be in pain, ever.
You apologized for having me arrested 8 months ago. You do not need to. You saved my life mom. If you didn't make that call, who knows where i would be now. I hated you that day. As my head cleared, i knew that you saved my life. No one else would make that call, exept you. Everyone talked a lot and called me names, even dad. It was all you mom, you gave me another chance at life, which i am taking this time. You told me that you refused to bury any of your kids. If i died mom, you would have too. How selfish would i have been to have robbed the world of a careing soul and hugh heart. We all need you, i need you the most.
So mom, i love you with my whole heart and soul. I can't wait to see on Christmas. We always loved that day. You always made it happy and fun. Did you make cookies? Tho i now weigh 125 pounds and really don't need those cookies, what the hell, right?
Mom, you can now sleep soundly and peacefully. You no longer need to take 3 phones into your bedroom at night. You don't need to run to the window when a car pulls into the driveway. That call will never come, and you will never see a police officer at your door, (at least not because of me, ha ha)
The last time i saw you, you looked so tired, your eyes weren't smiling like they always did, and what's up with greys? You need to hit that bottle, and soon. Just kidding. I aged, you i know i did. Please forgive me.
Well, gotta go for now. I have to be at the dinner table at exactly 5 or i get a ticket.
But before i go, just know how much i love you mom, and know that i feel your arms around me all the time. My brave and strong mom, you never gave up and you never once stopped loving me. I wish every one could have a mom like you, this world would be such a better place. I am fighting my demons and i am winning, for the first time, i am winning. But i was a winner the day i was born, to have you for my mom.
Love you,
Julie
I have read and re read this letter several times, and cry every damn time. I just want any one who has a child or someone special with this problem, that there is hope. I never gave up on her. And i knew that someday she would come back to me, and she did.
So never throw in the towel, no matter how black it looks.
I pray for everyone who has an experience close to mine. For someone who doesn't know where their child is like i did many nights. Who is afraid to answer the phone for fear that it's bad news on the other end. I pray your pain goes away and that you will feel the joy like i have.
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