My messed up sexuality ._.

Sakura17302320 over a year ago

Okay, I know I'm still young and I still have time to really find out who I am but I've always been craving for an opinion, but my story isn't just a story I'd tell to anyone nor would I want to talk about it afterwards. Especially if I have to see the person again. That's why I'm asking online.

Alright, so I'm 17 and no I'm NOT into any taboo subjects like bestiality or scat porn. I'm just confused on what I like in terms of people and I think my past has to do with it.

So when I was 5 until the age of 6 I was molested by a 5th grader, and when he finally graduated and moved out of my life even though I hated HIM touching me. I soon found myself craving for the same gratification. So I was about 5 when I started masturbating. Then at 10 I found sexy movie scene's where it's sensual but not actually showing anything wasn't doing it for me anymore. So at 10 I started watching real porn, but there was something odd about the porn I watched. I just couldn't watch any videos that had guys in it because it would immediately remind me of what happened to me when I was younger and I would become disgusted by it, but I still liked guys. I've NEVER had a crush on a girl. Yet the only porn I could watch that could get me off with no problem was lesbian porn.

Even now I can't watch any video's with guys being dominant because it reminds me of what happened to me, but yet being dominated is one of my most biggest turn on's ( along with other submissive type behavior ). I realized that at 16 that all my life I had been avoiding touch of other people ( and rightly so I was in NO way ready to have sex ) but that there's nothing wrong with the TOUCH, but the people and that I needed to stop associating sex with bad things. Now a day's I watch porn that's threesome's with two girls and one guy and now when I see a penis it doesn't remind me of what happened to me, but as for the ads for "brutal" porn and acted out rape scenarios. Don't even get me started they make me feel sick. For now I've labeled myself as bi because I genuinely find girls and guys attractive now, but the idea of being with a woman (while strange ) is so much more secure sounding to me than being with a man even though that's what I'm attracted to MORE and always have been. Iv'e even watches tranny porn because while they have penis's they LOOK like women so I don't find it threatening. I'm still a virgin though.

Idk, anyways thank you for reading and let me know what you think!

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Guest over a year ago

I'm sorry for what happened to you when you were younger! But I think that this is just a phase! I'm straight but I do find lesbian porn more better. If you are attracted to girls it doesn't matter!:) I hope this helps!

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subscribed mark over a year ago

Is there any way you can get some therapy?
I think when you find a loving boy friend you will be OK as long as he understands what you want. You sound like you have it figured out for yourself pretty well but I still think it would be a big plus for you to get some real therapy with a licensed therapist.

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sally over a year ago

Hi sakura. I am so sorry you had that experience. I was also sexually assaulted when I was a child and you are right, it does mess with your sexuality in unpredictable ways. I wanted to let you know that healing is possible. You will hold the trauma of the experience in your body and it will affect you until you take steps towards healing. I always minimised what happened to me until I saw a therapist for something else in my 40s. It wasn't until then that I realised the profound impact it had had on my sexuality and mental health. And therapy has made a huge difference to my life. I was lucky. She just happened to specialise in treating sexual assault survivors and that was crucial to ny recovery. May I suggest that you seriously consider getting therapy at some point. If you don't want to tell your parents about it you may need to wait until you are able to access mental health care as an adult. It depends where you live but where I live there are specialist counselling services for survivors of sexual assault that offer free or low cost treatment to survivors, no matter how long ago the assault occurred. If you do decide on therapy it is important to see someone who specialises in sexual assault and trauma. In the meantime there are things you can do to help yourself. Look into inner child work. It may sound weird but can be immensely helpful. Try writing a letter to your five year old self. It can be immensely healing. And remember, you were never to blame. You don't own the shame. You are still the beautiful girl you were before this happened, strong and deserving of love. Wishing you all the best on your journey.

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sally over a year ago

I just wanted to add in Australia, Canada and the UK there are telephone counselling phonelines for kids and youth to discuss their problems and how to get help. In Australia there are also mental health services you can access by yourself, maybe in other countries too. In Australia try kidshelpine. In Canada kidshelpphone )I think). In the UK its childphone. They all have websites. I'm not sure about the US but their is a website called scarletteen that should be able to give you that information. Therapy can be a hard journey but so much better than living with the trauma all your life. You can try to ignore or forget what happened but it will affect you. Therapy can help you release the trauma and free yourself leading to a more fulfilling life. All the best.

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David8316209 over a year ago

Not a psychologist, but it is pretty normal to act out your abuse because it gives you a sense of power over it. I was teased and torment from 6th-12th grades, not molested, but I am also bi. It led to a bad relationship with another guy from 8th grade until I graduated high school. We basically used each other for sex though.

I am attracted to girls and guys by day and watch gay porn at night. The therapy I am getting now is finally allowing me to address my issues of being teased. I broke my silence as I was in the closet until a couple of days ago to EVERYONE.

Sorry to ramble, but you said it right that you really are too young to work everything out still. That isn't to say you might not be bi, but I say go to therapy and see how you feel. The sooner you get therapy, the more likely you will have a healthy relationship with whomever you have. Just do it and see what happens.

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