Single Mother of 3 children, considering leaving them with their father.

Hi Teenmom! I just have to add something to this debate! When you are a new mom you NEVER think that you will need to "step away" or even "walk away" from your child! I was at the point of these two ladies SEVERAL times over the years! I questioned EVERY move and EVERYTHING I have done or hadn't done! I always wanted to be Mrs. Cunningham - from a show called Happy Days - I wanted a house FILLED to the rafter with kids, I wanted to be the one for ALL kids to go to! And that was happening for many years THEN WHAM!!! One of those children - the one I mentioned before - we decided to take in! Because he was a LOST BOY! He had been physically, emotionally, mentally abused for years, and we threatened his "mother" and stepfather etc. So eventually he was put on a bus - with NOTHING - for us to adopt and take on board! As far as I was concerned I - was going to be THAT woman! That woman that could turn around a VERY troubled boy, PL|US handle everything else I was going through! Well I sure found out quickley that tv and reality are VERY different! And Mrs. Cunningham had only a wise cracking motorbiker as an adopted son, I had a coccaine, valium, theft, gang addicted "son" that got my other son - same age - into becoming an addict! And when this ALL came out all I wanted to do was walk away! BUT i can't because my youngest son is disabled! BUT I have now come to this conclusion - IF my 17 year old does not stay clean and come back, he WILL be gone! I will ALWAYS love him - he is my heart! BUT he can NO LONGER destroy our lives - including myself, my husband and my youngest son! As I told onewholovestruth, IF she needs to do this to save her family then she needs to do it! IF it is because she is just tired and ticked at her other son, then that is NOT a reason to leave! NO ONE can say what to do, unless they walk a mile in that persons shoes! The nightmare of a child that turns ON you then this is devestating and life changing event! ESPECIALLY for someone that their WHOLE goal in life is for them to be a mom = like I was and am!

Well I guess it is different for me. My mom left when I was little, yea we are close now but the fact is she still did it. And my dad has turned on me bc of my husband and bc I was supposevily the bad child and a disgrace to him. He used me for years as his little maid and now I'm on my own I realize "Hey I'm going to be better." I wish my dad was there for me and didn't kick me out at 16. I needed my dad the most at that time and he kicked me to the curb. I needed parents that would stand by me all the way. That is why the chose to keep me and not put me up for adoption or abortion. So parents make a decision when they get pregnant and keep that child. No matter how rebellous they are or how sweet they are!!!! It sounds to me like onewholovestruth wants her son to be with her, but he is rebelling. I know for a fact that he will come back to her if the father is as hostile as she has said. Kids realize who cares for them and they do come around no matter what anyone thinks. I know this bc I was one myself not to long ago!!!! :-D

I just want to add what I am going through, you're not alone, my situation is kind of different but I am leaving my kids and it breaks my heart: Here's my story

I am Borderline...all the criteria...you name it...cutting, binge drinking, inappropriate rage, risky sex, mood swings, going from love to hate, intolerance of being alone, etc. etc. I also have mild OCD where I check the contents of my purse all the time.

I'm a mom. 2 Boys, ages 9 and 11. Their father and I were sharing half custody, but it stopped working. One reason, because I live in a 2 bedroom home with an 85 year old grandfather, my mother and 22 year old sister (both of whom are iv drug users -- I am NOT) My "bedroom" is the living room couch and my kids had to sleep on the floor. It just got to be too much and their father is taking custody.

Which is fine, but here's the other part...

I am in love with a wonderful man. We met online years ago and he spent 8 months here with me before an "episode" broke us up and he returned home 600 miles away. We reconciled, I went to visit, we chose to make our relationship work...but I realized I CANNOT handle a long distance relationship. I just can't.

I can't have my kids here anyway, and I want to be with my fiance. He asked me to move in with him and I said yes. This is 600 miles away. My kids dad said NO WAY are they coming to spend part of the year with me. So, I feel like I am abandoning them. But I know that the move would be healthy for me, I would have more support, more resources, more love and happiness.

I can't make it on my own here. Even if I had a job, I know I'd lose an apartment (I've been evicted three times, it's like I am an incapable child) My fiance says we can make a wonderful life together and we can go to court and ask the judge to let the kids at least spend summers with us until they are old enough to choose who they want to live with...they told me they want to go with me.

My family that I live with is telling me I am choosing my fiance over them and my kids. Maybe this is true, but I love my kids and I want to have them. But I also want to marry the love of my life and grow old with him. If I could handle long distance, I would. But I can't.

I don't know why I'm posting. I don't know what I want or need to hear. I feel like a failure at motherhood and life. I am afraid my kids will hate me. But, I'm leaving tomorrow, everything is set. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. If I stay, I don't have the kids anyway and live with abusive drug addicts on a couch without the man I love (who is also a parent.) If I go, I have a better life but am 600 miles from my kids. As you can probably tell, the second option is my choice and preference, but I feel guilty and selfish.

I guess I just needed to vent, but please feel free to comment honestly. All I ask is that no one be hateful, I cannot take any more hate directed at me

I understand some of what your going thru. My kids are 5 and 2. I left their dad 8 months ago and got my own place for me and the kids. Since my oldest was born my husband made a point to degrade de mane and debase me as a mother. Bc I can't cook very well, moody, smoke pot, ignoring the kids to txt or watch a a movie. I disagree. I work all day to provide for my kids and go to school 2 days a week. (he doesn't have a job and has been sleeping on my couch over a month now) I'm tired yes its true I want a bath a joint and a good movie. I usually play and talk to my kids from 3:30-5ish but then I have loads of work laundry dinner baths housework dishes.....before you know it, bedtime is here. The plan was that he wouldn't have to pay and child support if he could take the kids 50/50. Now with him on my couch, the kids never leave and I never get time to re-coupe and the marital arguing continues. I'm exhausted and yes a little selfish. I'm thinking when he gets a job, I'll leave again move down the street into a studio so there is no room for guests. I still want my kids just not everyday. And prefer not to see them at all saturdays as it is my only day off. Worn down from the heavy burdens. I need a permanent vacation.

I moved across the country from my daughter and it ripped my heart out almost every day. Now that I have moved back, my ex is planning to move away with my daughter! I wish my ex the best and know she knows how much I love my daughter, but I know it will be devastating when I cannot see my daughter anytime I want to. That is my situation. My advice is, before you leave your children with him, take some time away from your kids and KNOW FOR SURE you can live without them being there ANYTIME you want to see them. It is ALOT harder than you may think and MUCH harder than it sounds when you just say the words. I wish you the very best.

i can relate to you completely. it is very difficultt o describe to "normal" people your feelings when you have had an abusive childhood. I have 2 Daughters, 11 and 6 and when i divorced my husband i asked them where they want to stay and they chose dad. at the time i was very hurt because it felt like i was being rejected, but looking back now i know it was the right thing to do. He is more stable emotionally than me, and i get irritated with the kids because i am selfish at times and just find them so much work. When they visit me (every second weekend from thursday to monday) i have recharged and am so happy to have them. They get the best of me in the time when i have to be mom, everyone is happier this way.

I dont think you are sure of leaving your kids with their father otherwise you would'nt be asking for advice on the matter. Personally through personal expeirence i dont think you should ever leave your kids. A mothers love is a blessing! You might feel it is the right decision now to leave these kids but a few years down the line you will maybe regret it. Keep your kids with you and that way you can keep your sanity in years to come, leaving your kids behind will only scar your emotions in the long run and mess up you and your kids lives. You brought these kids into the world so its your responsibility to look after and care for these kids not to just run a way and leave them with the father. Get help for the sake of yourself and those poor kids! its not all about you or your husband or a religion thse kids are human beings and believe it or not they have feelings! However this is my opinion but you dont have to agree or like it, just be careful though and try and get emotional help for your own sake and your kids. Gd luck!

What is the update did you leave your kids ?????????Also i know what you mean by being judged for leaving your kids with their father as trust me i have done it too , but as soon as his new wife came into the picture everything changed , he promised me that he would not keep the kids frm me and allow me to speak to them by phone every wk, thing is he lived on the other side of the atlantic ocean and his wife was a b***h and very controlling and i know she did not like or want my kids! So when they came back to me on holiday enough was enough i kept my kids with me. I am so glad i did it and yes i've had my ups and downs but trust me its the best thing i ever done! Having them grow up with another woman who hated me was a nightmare and i felt sick to the teeth! Their father was no longer interested and didnt have the time for my sons he was more interested in his new wife and his new son and step kids! I know this post has been 3 yrs ago and i hopr to god you kept your kids ?? If not i hope it has all worked out for yous the way you planned ??

Wow can't believe this is still going. Little update.... I HAD a MAJOR MID-LIFE CRISIS, severe PND my husband and I separated for 17 months!!!! That entire time we communicated regularly, cried together, laughed, screamed (not in front of the kids).... Yet HE never gave up on me, never stopped loving me at all.... I met someone else, who was basically a major major infatuation, like the worst heroin ever for me, that nearly tipped me further over the edge, but with ALOT of patience and love and as already mentioned COMMUNICATION and more importantly listening to what God wanted for me in life, we got back together! That was almost 2 years ago! I'm undergoing counselling through Children's First Charity who have been extremely helpful and have helped me to see that all my bad choices in life with my first husband when I was 20 (I'm 40 in Jan coming!) and then abusive boyfriends between 1st husband and my present husband (of almost 12 years) were as a result of the negative childhood I'd experienced! I've discovered so much about why I "do" things that I do and the one person to blame is my father. My kids n I enjoy a much happier blessed calm relationship as do my husband and I now. My advice to anyone who reads my original post is GO GET HELP! Also TALK to your partner, you fell in love you nurtured a relationship before taking the step to marry! So think about all of that before filing for divorce! Marriage is hard, especially in this day and age, but IT CAN WORK! I love my husband so much and everyday I wake to my family I thank God for this blessing! Thanks to all who showed concern though!

Yes I posted a reply this morning I wasn't sure how to reply to you so replied to the post instead x

Were you a Jehovah's Witness and then disfellowshipped? Is that the religion you talked about?

Thinks2much, 

 

I commend you for being strong in your decision.  It is different and most people are not going to be able to understand.  But sometimes just because you are mother does not mean it's the best.  My ex husband and I were always in opposite traditional roles.  I financially supported the family and he kept the kids.  Now that we are divorced I am struggleing with maintaining both roles and I am drowning.  HE has always been more patient and emotionally more capable of raising the kids than me.  I am seriously considering giving him full custody.  I would NEVER abandon them.  But if he can provide a more stable home than I can, why would I keep them just because I am the mom? 

you speak from my heart..like i would wrote it..thank you very much for this post.i know im not alone.

I am a mother of three kids i married their father nd after we split up and stuff we stayed in contact and after that he came and saw me again but he and his other children stole my 2 child and took her to florida and they took everything i had but after that he ask me to go to florida with him and i did and after that i stay down their for a little while but his daughter dont like me at all so she kick me and my children off her property so my husband bringing me back to alabama and im struggling trying to find somewhere to stay and get back on my feet and put my children in school. And be happy again

I know exactly what you are going through. I'm am considering the same thing. But my children are 6 yrs 2 yrs and 3 months. And I'm only 22. I had my first at 16 and because of my drug addict parents I've been pretty much raising myself since the age of 8. I to have fallen out of love with my fiancée (who is the farther of the two youngest) I never had a childhood. I love Mt kids but I need to experience life and do something for myself for once. I've spent my while life trying to please everyone.