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I met my new wife after ending things with my ex-wife. I came into this new relationship with three children, two teenagers and an 8 year old boy. My new wife doesn't want to interact with them very much. She says that a stepmother is not a mother and I understand that things take time. However, she calls them names from time to time in front of me and this bothers me. I tell her and this leads to fights. At first, I felt that if I could show her more love, enough love, that she would see taht she comes first. This worked but she has yet to appreciate that the kids still have a warm and permanent place in my heart.

She says they will grow up and my response is that a child is a child forever. She disagrees and says that the older ones ARE NOT CHILDREN! (What do I call them then? She has said this around her older daughter and reduced her own daughter to tears!) I tell her that there is room enough in my heart for her and for the kids as well but she grows angry and says mean things to provoke a fight. She can be very sweet and loving when we are alone but if she gets a hint of me giving my attention to one of the kids, she suggests taht I have seen that child enough altely and that I am essentially "having a relationship" (whatever that means in her words) with them and not her.

I divorced my exwife and at my new wife's suggestion, I have completely stopped the "friends" thing with the ex. Some say you can be friends, some say you can't but in this relationship, I am smart enough to know that the new marriage would fail if I didn't completely limit my conversations with the ex to just a few minutes a week about the kids. Interestingly, I knew she was talking with her ex husband a lot and after I tried to compare this, she told me it was different because he had so many impoartant things going on in his life. Hmmmm. Anyway, I can make a lot of cahnges but I cannot live without the kids in my life and I am really hoping to find a way that she will tolerate them because they are a part of me. Anyone that has read "Stepmonster" knows that we cannot as a woman to love the step kids -- but she should be able to allow me time to spend with them. Instead she threatens to "go out" somewhere if I plan to spend a few hours with the boys or with my daughter.

I have already moved away from my friends and my kids to a town nearly 50 minutes away. I now commute almost 2 hours per day so that she will not live in my ex's area. I love this woman but I can't kep feeling pulled between her and the kids.

I f I put my foot down, and calmly announce that I am going to do something with one of the kids, a fight almost always ensues. How much do I sacrifice in terms of my old relationship with the kids to kep my new wife happy?

(By the way, her youngest daughter lives with us and I drive her to school and do homework with her regularly. We have a great relationship as do I with her college age daughter..... why won't she do the same for me?)

I thought it was because she was Russian at first. Now I have enough Russian friends to know that kids are just as important over there as they are in this country.

As a final comment, let me say that when she is alone with me, my new wife can be very loving and caring. The only true issue is mention of the kids.

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In a nutshell for you my friend, ur new wife sounds very insecure about the relationship you "may or may not" have with you ex wife!! As she is Russian I can tell you that in their culture I dont think things are so "friendly" with relationships as we can have over in the UK.  They still live a world where if you have an ex it means an ex and there is no more contact (even if you have kids from that previous relationship) We had that in this country only about 20 or 30 years ago but things have moved on so much now for the "sake of the kids" (sometimes it doesnt always work btw but mostly it does).  Speaking as an ex wife and also a new "third" wife, I have to contend with 2 exes lol and also 4 previous children from those two ex marriages!  Like me she should realise that there was obviously a reason why you have an ex!?  When you split up with someone you then go into "friend" mode which makes life easier and you probably get on much better with your ex (but thats cos you dont live together anymore!) Perhaps she has also had problems in her past that also make her feel insecure.  I could suggest that she goes with you to meet your ex so she then perhaps stops thinking the worst possible scenarios!! Its only an idea of course...this New Year I went with my husband to see in the New Year with his ex and their 2 children (one 17 yrs and the other is 20 yrs old) and her female pals (4 of them!) so he had a g8 New Year...I on the other hand didnt mind not being just alone with my hubby at New Year but wouldnt do it every year thats for sure...she had suggested we share Xmas dinner together but I was not up for that idea at all!  She had her turn with my husband for 15 years now its my turn to be with him not hers...think she is lonely but thats not my fault and even although I am a softie who loves kids and wants ppl to be happy I am certainly not turning into a MUG either!!

All I want to say is a big good luck to you in your quest with your wife and hope that she realises that its her you love now and not your ex wife...you still probably need to be more loving towards her and keep telling her you love her to make her understand its where you feel you are now in life.

Take care

Cazzy49
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you have an over exagerated new wife.... i would say to tell her to chill.. besides they are YOUR kids... regardless the age u can be 90 and your kids/children 50 still your kids... she has kids of her ouwn so why doesnt she just accept your own???? my mother remarried when i was 16 older sister 18 and 4 other little sibblings ages 2-8 (6 in total) and he didnt hav any kids of his own... he does seem to get jelouse at times because of the fact that he has to ¨¨share¨¨ my mother with us, but not  saying i only want  your mothers time with me or anything.. besides they hav a child of their own my little sister who is now 4 yrs old. but everything is great me n my and my older sister moved out but he is not like your wife... its sounds more like she is beeing selfish and greedy. especcially if she doesnt want to live close to ur family and friends... good luck on that : )

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