Parental Guidance: Employing Criticism That Works

How Do You Cope With Criticism?

Many, many, adults experience genuine difficulties when it comes to accepting criticism — though just as many have no trouble with providing it. Being criticized by your boss at work is especially daunting to many, and the power balance between bosses and employees is in some ways quite like the parent-child relationship.

Common advice given to employees criticized by managers or supervisors is:

• Take a deep breath, and think things through before replying. Examine whether the criticism is warranted. 
• If warranted, think of the criticism as an opportunity for personal and professional growth. 
• Do not take it personally and do not become defensive. 
• Set up a situation in which your progress can be monitored in the form of periodical feedback. Be proactive about improving. 

Why are there so many texts on the internet that deal with the question of how to handle criticism from your boss? Not just because being criticized by someone who holds a degree of power over you can be intimidating, but also because criticism has the potential to hurt the ego really quickly. If so many adults need to tell themselves not to take it personally, how much harder might it be for kids? The prefrontal cortex of the brain deals with personality expression, decision-making, social behavior and complex cognitive behavior. It does not mature until after a person is in their twenties, and is especially immature in young children.

Because Good Parenting Isn't An Algorithm...

There is no one right way to parent. To start with, we're all different, as are our kids. So you won't find any tips on "the right way to criticize" here; rather, I'm hoping this short piece might kick-start a thought process that can help you analyze how you feel about the concept of helping your kids be the best people they can be. (Yes, that was meant to be one way to define "criticism".) Nobody is perfect, and nobody can be perfect. Therefore, giving your kids only praise throughout your parenting gig is pretty darn unlikely.

I spoke to a bunch of parents about the best way to approach criticism. Some preferred the actual word criticism, while others shared they avoid that word in favor of terms like "gentle guidance" or "constructive feedback". Here are some soundbites you might like to mull over:

• "Who cares if nobody likes to be criticized? It still needs to be done." 
• "I think criticism has a place as long as the relationship is mainly positive, the criticism is made to address a real problem constructively rather than just venting, and the parent is willing to apologize unequivocally when they make mistakes themselves." 
• "Critique should not belittle a child." 
• "Remember the 'five positives for every negative' advice."
• "I do not criticize my kids: I correct, guide, and redirect. What's the difference? No devaluing."
• "Whenever I find myself being very critical, I go back and reexamine my own emotional state. That usually helps me return to a more positive mindset, after apologizing."
• "When I have to tell my kids something I know they won't want to hear, I tell them it's about their behavior and not their personality. Everyone makes mistakes, and the fact that my kids do too does not make me love them less."
• "I avoid 'you' statements and simply describe the problem in a matter-of-fact manner."
• "I am critical and not good at giving feedback. This is something I need to work on."
• "Everyone has flaws and everyone is still valuable. I try to get this across. Making mistakes does not devalue the person. Feedback should inspire the person, not make them cry."

See Also: Spanking Makes Kids Violent And Poorly Behaved

There might be some underlying tips that can benefit every parent, however. If there are, they may look something like this:

• Stay true to yourself while giving the child the chance to be themselves as well. 
• Ask yourself whether your feedback will improve the situation at hand, or make it worse. If the latter, figure out how to phrase your criticism constructively before you offer it. In other words, think before you speak. 
• Talk about your approach with your children and your partner. Find out what forms of criticism the child finds helpful, and which phrases make them feel sad or angry. 
• Tone matters.