HIV, Dating, And Love: Tips On Disclosing Your HIV Status

The very early stages of dating can be fun, I guess, but they can also be downright awkward. There's a reason the internet is full of pages offering you suggestions on what to talk about during the first couple of dates. Are you a dog or a cat person? Do you enjoy your job? Where would you most like to go on vacation? What's your favorite food?

What do you need to know?

You have some very important reasons to disclose your status to a (potential) sex partner

Studies from around the world show that most people — of all ages, genders, and sexual orientations — who live with HIV disclose their status to (potential) sex partners.

Most of those who do disclose, research shows, do so because they feel they have a responsibility to do so, so that people they were romantically interested would be able to take better steps to protect their health and so that they'd know what they were getting themselves into. Some people also report disclosing early because they wanted to know how their romantic interest would react, before the relationship got too serious. 

People who don't disclose their HIV status to sex partners give reasons like believing they have a right to privacy, being afraid what would happen after disclosure including being scared the person would tell others, and simply not knowing how to start that conversation. 

You know you have plenty of important reasons to tell someone you're dating (and are planning to have sex with) about your HIV status:

• Topping the list, telling someone you're dating that you have HIV will allow both of you to better protect your health. Besides using condoms every time, your partner may decide take PrEP.
• In some jurisdictions, you are legally obliged to tell sex partners that you have HIV, for public health reasons. This may be true even if you have an undetectable viral load and cannot transmit HIV. Know the law.
• HIV is still pretty scary to many people, and no matter where you live, there's a risk that the person you're romantically interested in won't want to be with someone who is HIV positive. If that's the case, you probably ultimately prefer knowing as soon as possible, so you don't invest your emotional energy into a source of pain. 

You have some reasons to be cautious, too

SteadyHealth has readers from all over the world and from all sorts of cultural and subcultural contexts. In some places and subcultures, it may be relatively safe to disclosure your HIV status — but in others, it's potentially dangerous. Several studies have shown that HIV disclosure sometimes increases the risk of intimate partner violence. You yourself will be best at assessing your own risk of dangerous reactions to your disclosure, but it's something that should be on your radar. 

When do you tell someone you're dating that you have HIV?

Before you have sex.

Some people will decide to mention the fact that they have HIV right away, during their first date or even beforehand, via a dating app, for instance. If you are using the internet to meet potential partners, talking about HIV before meeting in person has the added benefit that things cannot physically get unpleasant. 

Others prefer to get to know someone a little better before they decide whether they like the person enough to date them more seriously — and disclose their status only when they know they are truly interested . 

Both approaches have pros and cons. If you talk about HIV right away, your date may be fine with it and accept it right away — or they may decide not to date you at all. Or there may be an awkward situation in which HIV takes up a large portion of the part usually reserved for "get to know you" stuff. If you don't, your date may feel deceived. 

How should you approach your "so, I have HIV" talk?

We think you have two basic options. 

You branch out from there. If you are taking antiretroviral treatments and have an undetectable viral load, mention that. If the person you are dating isn't very familiar with HIV already, you could send some easy-to-understand but reputable info their way, like this bit from the CDC. To help educate your date about HIV, you could answer all their medical questions, like about your treatment, about prevention, and about PrEP. 

It's up to you whether to talk about how you got HIV, but it's not uncommon for people to ask, so be prepared for that. 

Your date will probably have some feelings about your disclosure, unless they are positive too. Prepare to give them some space to process what you've told them. 

Should your romantic interest react weirdly, you may want to run. If they seem cool with it, you can take it from there. 

A final word

With the proper precautions, dating someone with HIV doesn't have to be risky — but not everyone knows that, and HIV remains stigmatized in many places. Telling someone you're dating or want to date that you are HIV positive definitely isn't fun, but it is necessary. Some people say it gets easier the more often you do it, but you may want to practice it with a friend before you try it "live". You may also want to choose a safe setting for the disclosure, in case your date freaks out.