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Phrases such as “you kids ought to be ashamed of yourself” or “what will the neighbors think” and the like should not be used in effective communication, as they ultimately prove not be effective at all. Also try to avoid telling that someone who loves their mother or father would never do something they did. It is also not good example telling them how they “should know better”, or how their behavior gives you a headache. If you are one of the parents using these methods, once you hear yourself using any of the phrases above, try an alternative.
Instead of dispensing shame-based communication, use a different style of parent-talk, one that is open, honest, and direct. You should try to present choices to your children. Explain what happens if they choose a certain behavior, and what happens if they do not. Allow them to choose and then experience the legitimate consequences of the behavior they choose. Children learn more from a caring adult who helps them evaluate their choices and the results that follow. This works much more effectively than learning from one who shames them and continually lays guilt.
If you have strong feelings about a certain type of behavior or a desired response, tell the child directly what is on your mind. You have to develop a habit of explaining reasons for your feelings. Step out of the resistance-resentment cycle by telling the children exactly what you expect from them and why. For example, you should say you are angry about the broken window, and your child will need to find a way to pay for it. It is much more effective than saying how your kid should have known better.
To achieve effective communication with your kid, you must refuse to be one of those parents who cause children to feel shame and guilt for their actions. Communicate honestly without sneaking shame into the equation, and stay centered in your efforts to raise respectful, responsible children. Do it by modeling those attributes in your own behavior and in your parent talk.