More Tips On Parenting Teens

Pick Your Battles

The moms I spoke to repeatedly told me about the importance of "picking your battles". "I think about whether an issue is important enough to spend time and energy on changing it," Jamie says. "Like messy rooms. I don't like that. I don't want dishes everywhere and dirty laundry piling up. But in the grand scheme of things, it's just not that important," she says. So she talks to her teens about it, but "I don't impose sanctions or nag endlessly if they forget."

Why? "Not sweating the small stuff means it's easier to deal with the big stuff. I come across more clearly and am taken more seriously when I do say no. When we have a disagreement about a big issue, my teens do ultimately accept my decision. I like to think that has a lot to do with not having 'no' as the default answer in our house."

Dorothy says everyone has bad days, teens included. She sometimes has less patience than she should, and yells at her teens and husband for silly reasons. That's why she doesn't address "every snotty reply, or every instance of bad behavior". Punishing teens for little things when they are already feeling down or having an emotional day backfires, she believes.

Respect Their Individuality

"We recently went through the college application process," Ruth said. "There was a lot of stress. The important thing was to recognize that the behavior that came with the stress was not about me, and not about our relationship. It was about my daughter and her future."

Her daughter ended up making a different choice to the one she might have made, but she dealt with everything competently. "Taking a step back and being there to talk and commiserate without stepping in to give advice or solve the problem has been healthy for our relationship," Ruth is sure.

Lu remembers arguing with her mom about the color of her room. She wanted it one color, but her mom wanted to decide what color it should be. She also fought her mom about clothing choices, and these fights are still fresh in Lu's memory now. This is a big reason she respects her kids' individuality now. "I let them be who they are. I don't tell them what to wear, how to decorate their rooms, or what music to listen to."

Teach Responsible Decision-Making

This approach involves equipping them with the cognitive tools and moral compass they need to navigate life's complexities and challenges effectively. It's not merely about listing guidelines or rules but instilling a mindset and skillset that promote thoughtful, informed choices.

One key facet of responsible decision-making is cultivating critical thinking skills. Adolescents are encouraged to analyze situations, explore various options, and carefully consider the potential consequences of their choices. This empowers them to approach decisions with a deeper level of understanding and foresight.

Furthermore, responsible decision-making encompasses problem-solving abilities. Teens learn how to identify challenges or obstacles, set achievable goals, and develop strategies to overcome them. This skill helps them tackle real-life situations with confidence and resilience.

Understanding the consequences of their actions is fundamental. Adolescents grasp that each choice, be it small or significant, carries its set of outcomes, both positive and negative. This awareness fosters a sense of accountability and encourages them to make decisions more thoughtfully.

If They Do Misbehave, Check What's Wrong

"If your teen does misbehave for long periods of time," Dorothy says, "don't simply write it off as teen hormones." Many of the tips the mothers I spoke to shared overlap — this one essentially comes down to listening to your teen, and making sure you set up an open relationship in which they feel able to share the deep stuff. It's important enough to mention separately though. 

Those parents whose teens did become aggressive, sullen, and uncooperative and withdrawn all found out that their teens were dealing with rough things in life. In one case, the teen had been influenced by a bad crowd of friends in school, something the teen herself was uncomfortable with too. Another teen turned out to be facing sexual abuse, while a third was later diagnosed with depression. 

No parent wants their teen to go through serious issues like these, but they can and do happen. Looking beyond teen hormones can't just save your relationship with your teen, it might also get your teen out of a situation they can't handle on their own.

See Also: Cellphone Calls And Parent-Teenager Relations

Be Willing To Apologize

Teens are people with quirks and faults, and your relationship is going to be much better if you accept that fact. There's another side to this as well, and that is accepting that you are not perfect either.

This one basically speaks for itself, yet many parents are unwilling to apologize when they are the ones to mess up. They are afraid, perhaps, that doing so is the same as giving their authority away. That doesn't happen, according to the seasoned moms. Teens know when you mess up, and they'll respect you more if you are honest enough to acknowledge that.