'Less Lecturing, More Listening' And Other Gems

Take The Time To Listen

"Less lecturing, more listening" naturally flows from the acceptance that your teen isn't the little child they once were now. All too often, "being a parent" is synonymous with holding long lectures — rather than listening to what our kids really think and feel. Dorothy, who has a 20-year old daughter, says that doesn't work.

She says: "When they mess up, let them know you're aware they messed up and give them the chance to fix it, giving them appropriate guidance. Don't do hour-long lectures on what a mess-up they are. Offer them a safe place to come to when they mess up, and brainstorm together with them rather than telling them what to do. You'll be surprised what solutions they come up with if you just listen and acknowledge what they say. When you give them some credit, they'll do better and feel better, and you'll have a better relationship."

Don't Freak Out

Listening carefully has another really important component, and that is to stay calm. By creating a safe place in which teens are able to talk about anything that's on their mind, you encourage your teen to make use of that opportunity. In turn, knowing your teen and their life well makes for a healthier and happier teen.

So go on — have those conversations about sex, your teen's wish to move to the other side of the world, or their friend's brush in with the law. "We do deal with lots of drama, and I am part of the drama but the drama isn't directed at me. My teens use me as a resource," Jane says.

Be Your Teen's Friend

The idea that our children should not be our friends is very dominant in Western society. Some parents believe they can be their kids' friend as well as their parent, and that being friends with kids during the teenage years makes being friends with adult children much more natural.

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She continues: "Don't get me wrong; I love my parents. But I decided to be my kids' friend as well as their parent, and taking the time to really listen to them is an important part of that." Does this create obnoxious monsters? Quite the opposite. Lu's now grown kids respected her during the teen years, and they have a great relationship now as well.