Parenting: So If You Don't Spank, What Do You Do Instead?

Not too long ago, spanking was almost universally seen as an acceptable and even inevitable discipline method. Not only did society think it was perfectly normal to spank their children, even teachers, relatives, and random neighborhood "do-gooders" felt free to spank children for behaving poorly, not paying attention, or even simply asking questions. 

Research showing spanking can have long-term mental health consequences — such as Elizabeth Gershoff PhD's 2008 What Research Tells Us About Its Effects on Children report — have been piling up. Physical punishment has legally been banned in 30 countries across the world, with more going through debates on whether to take this step at the moment. Increasingly, societies are realizing that spanking isn't just ineffective, it also represents a human rights violation. 

Yes, increasing numbers of people see spankings such as those described in the Pearls' To Train Up A Child or Roy Lessin's Spanking: Why, When, How are nothing less than physical assault; a crime that would have a good chance of landing you in prison if you did it to another adult in many places.

Those are extreme forms of physical punishment, however, and they cannot be compared to the occasional "pat on the bottom" many of us grew up with. Yet, that doesn't mean that the occasional pat on the bottom is harmless, effective, or necessary. 

What Is Gentle Parenting?

You may have heard the buzz words: gentle parenting, attachment parenting, consensual parenting, positive parenting, and others. Some of these buzz words are associated with whole parenting philosophies, philosophies that go far beyond "not spanking". Here's a very quick overview:

• Attachment parenting is a philosophy that focuses on fostering a connection with children. In practice, this phrase is mostly used by parents of babies and toddlers. Attachment parents aim to raise well-rounded, independent children by doing their best to meet their needs and staying connected. Practices associated with this parenting style include co-sleeping, feeding on demand, carrying young ones in carriers, and using positive discipline — modeling good behavior and trying to understand reasons behind bad behavior, rather than simply punishing it. 
• Unlike attachment parenting, which has set principles and international organizations behind it, gentle parenting can be described as a parenting style that respects the child, seeks to understand them, and is empathetic. 
• Consensual parenting or consensual living proponents see children as equal members of society, and aim to give them a lot more choice than your average parent. Through conversation, consensual parents attempt to reach a consensus, truly listening to the child rather than trying to impose their own wishes.

Some of these philosophies are the total opposite of authoritarian, pro-spanking parenting. They may seem to give children so much power that it's frightening, and not every anti-spanking parent will find themselves at home within these parenting styles. Parents who are interested in learning more about raising children without physical discipline will still learn an awful lot from these philosophies though, and familiarizing themselves with these styles will help them develop their very own style; one they are comfortable with.

See Also: Spanking Makes Kids Violent And Poorly Behaved

Parenting without spanking is not always child-focused parenting, either — just look at Super Nanny for an idea of how those who would like rigid rules and parent-centered families can live without physical discipline. 

Alternatives To Spanking

You don't have to believe praise is harmful and time-outs are too coercive — as some on the gentle parenting spectrum indeed do — to commit to not spanking. Deciding to raise your kids without physical discipline does take a different way of thinking, I believe. It may start with seeing children as whole human beings (just ones who still have a lot to learn and experience), rather than dangerous mammals who need to be managed. 

Many loving, caring parents do resort to spanking, and here are some situations in which they often turn to physical punishment:

• When the child is about to do something dangerous that could cause injury or death, like running into a road or touching a hot stove.
• When the child is physically violent towards siblings, other children, or adults. 
• When the child is completely out of control, hysterical, unable to calm down. 

Respect And Connect

When you consider alternatives to spanking, you have to start with your day-to-day parenting, rather than just looking at how to handle problematic situations. 

Try making positive comments whenever you see your child do something you appreciate, rather than focusing on negative comments when your child is doing something you'd rather not see. Ask your child to help around the house, do fun things together, and discuss your feelings on a continuous basis. When a child does something you don't understand, ask them why rather than making assumptions. No, they won't always be able to verbalize and may not even have a rational reason for doing what they're doing, but they'll appreciate the fact that you are taking an interest and will think their actions through more carefully as well. 

Time-Outs

Time-outs were made famous by Supper Nanny Jo Frost. They involve placing your child in a particular spot when they behave in unacceptable ways — usually one minute for every year of their lives. Jo Frost taught parents to give one warning. When the child engages in the behavior again, you place them on the "naughty spot", explain why they are there, and leave them. If the child gets up, place them back on the naughty spot without saying anything or making eye contact — as many times as needed. Once the time-out is complete, the child is supposed to say sorry. If they're not willing, they can stay until they are. Once they say sorry, you hug the child and get on with the rest of the day. 

Time-Ins

Time-ins are an alternative to time-outs thought up by positive parenting proponents. They hold that time-outs hurt the child by physically removing them from the rest of the family and shaming them. So instead, you'd hold your child on your lap, hugging them tightly, until they calm down. I found this method works well for hysterical, tantrumming kids who just want to reconnect and be relieved of their frustrations. It works less well for kids who aren't upset, and for kids who are too big to forcefully sit on your lap. 

Natural Or Logical Consequences

This is another natural parenting staple, and it's pretty simple. The idea is that children who experience natural consequences of their undesired actions will modify their behavior. Kids who don't get dressed on time get to go to school in their PJs, for instance, and kids who throw food get their food taken away. It may even work for such things as touching hot stoves: touching the stove will result in a very minor burn, after which the kid removes their hand in less than a second. They probably won't do it again, now knowing why you don't want them to. 

When doesn't it work? Well, when you deem the natural consequence unacceptable. Since running into the road isn't cool, you can apply a logical consequence instead: "Mommy doesn't want you to get run over, so you are going to hold mommy's hand." Or "throwing toys hurts the other kids, so we'll now take the toys away". 

See Also: A New Parents' Guide To Dealing With Nosy People

Are you simply an explosive person, as I am? Well, here's one final tool for you: the parental time-out. Parents who feel like they're going to spank, yell or scream can announce they need to take a breather and leave the situation for a while. While not every situation lends itself to this, some do, and it can be extremely helpful. Come back when you've calmed down a bit, and deal with the situation in the way you decided.