Practical Tips For The Tough Stuff

Don't Ask, Don't Tell?

Should you wait until your child asks questions to discuss tough topics? I have certainly heard that advice rather often, but it doesn't always make sense. A child may well be struggling with an issue all by himself, without ever asking you about it — and the answer he comes up with himself may be a whole lot scarier than reality. 

Is someone in your child's life seriously ill? Unless you discuss the treatment and prognosis in detail, she could simply be assuming the person will die. Are you getting divorced? Unless you talk about why, your young child may assume it's his fault. 

Remember: starting a conversation doesn't mean that you have to give your child more information than he is ready for. Use every-day opportunities like books, the news, or a conversation you had with someone else to bring an issue up. 

Listen To Your Child

Taking the time to talk with your child every day is a huge gift that will benefit her emotional and mental health for the rest of her life. You can create the space to have all kinds of conversations — about every-day things as well as difficult topics — by making sure you have the time to listen.

How can you really listen? Start off by making yourself available. You can do this by switching off your electronic devices and also "switching off" your own worries. Dinner time and meal preparation are ideal for these conversations. If you are a talkative person, also guard yourself against monologues by making sure your child talks as much as you do. 

Issues That Affect Your Child Indirectly

You may be totally comfortable with talking about tough topics as they come up, but find issues that affect your child indirectly much harder to talk about. Your child won't know about things that happened in your family before they were born, changes in your job, or historical events unless you bring them up — until, of course, they find out from someone else.

Don't be afraid to mention you are stressed because people are being laid off at work, because it will let your child know she's not the reason you're in a bad mood. Dead, ill, or alcoholic relatives might not be your favorite conversational topic, but your kids probably still need to know about them. Really tough historical events like the Holocaust and 9/11 are also things you want to think about bringing up before someone else does, so you can discuss the emotional side as well as the bare facts.