Talking So Kids Will Listen

Sometimes, it seems as though you have to bribe your kids to listen; to promise them one sweet now and another if they stick around; to get down on your knees and beg them to please, to pretty please, to pretty pretty please with a cherry on top, listen.

How do you get kids to listen? Why aren't they listening in the first place? You gave your child life and continue to give them food and a roof; surely, they owe you at least three minutes of their attention?

If you find your children won't listen to you, read on to find out why that might be the case, and what you can do about it. It's worth doing. After all, the way you talk to your children models the way they will go on to talk to others.

Why don't children listen?

• All they hear is "no": How disheartened would you be if every request you made was met by the word "no". Can I have ice-cream? "No." Can I wear this T-shirt? "No." Can I watch this movie? "No." it certainly wouldn't make you feel warmly towards the person who constantly said it to you. Try to rephrase your answers in a more positive way. Can I have ice-cream? "Not right now, because it's dinnertime soon. After dinner, you can have ice-cream." Can I wear this T-shirt? "Not today, because it's too cold. Why don't you choose something warmer?" Can I watch this movie? "That movie's a little old for you. When you're older, you can see it."
• Dishonesty: Children are quick to work out who the honest people are. You may think small lies - such as "we'll come back tomorrow", when you have no intention of coming back at all - don't matter, but children notice. They store those lies up and remember. The lesson is learned. Parents lie. Don't listen.
• Unreliability: Parents routinely make all kinds of promises they fail to keep. This is usually due to circumstances out of your control. It still erodes your child's trust, until they see little point in listening. Endeavour to keep your promises, and explain the reason if you were unable to.

READ Treatment of Children with Attention Deficit Disorders (ADD)

• Inaccuracy: "Sit too close to the television, and your eyes will go square", "Cola drinks are poison and rot your insides." Parents say all kinds of things to coax their child into listening. As soon as your child learns that these "facts" are convenient fabrications, you will be regarded as an unreliable (and worthless) source of information.
• Not listening to their cues: Kids give all kids of nonverbal cues (fidgeting, eye-contact, touches, and gestures). If a child lowers their eyes and fidgets when you send them on a play-date with another child, it may be a sign they're scared of that child. If you fail to notice their body language and ask if they're okay, your child might feel you don't care. This will place distance between you and your child.

Talking So Your Child Will Listen

Get down to their level

Get your child's attention. To do this, get down to your child's level (kneeling if necessary), and look into their eyes.

Your child may be busy. If so, touch them lightly and connect with them by making a comment about what they're doing: "Wow! That's what I call a tower!"

When your child looks at you, start talking. If your child doesn't look at you, touch them again and say, "I need your attention for a moment." Then wait for them to look at you.

Address the child by name

Open every request with the child's name.

Reduce your words to the bare minimum

You lose a child's interest when you use too many words. A long speech about the cost of milk and the price of electricity could be pared back to "Please remember to close the fridge."

Ask your child to repeat

Any instructions should be repeatable. If they aren't, it's not a sign your child wasn't listening; it's a sign your instructions were too long-winded.

Explain

"Because I said so" answers will not engender loyalty, or make your children more likely to listen to you. Children do not like rules that don't seem to make sense. Why must they brush their teeth every night?

Which answer is better: "Because I said so, now do it" or "We brush our teeth so our teeth will be healthy and strong and we can enjoy candies and tasty treats"? Explain the logic behind the rules.

Use "I" Statements

"You" statements are accusatory and they will make the child less likely to listen. "You always"/"You never"/"Why won't you..." are all judgmental statements and will make your child defensive. "I would like..."/"I like it when..." is better. These statements are automatically more positive, welcoming the child to behave without placing any judgments on them.

Give Options

Would they like the red dress or the pink? Offering choices prevents feelings of resentment building.

 But do not offer choices where the only option is to agree with you. "Will you pick up your toys please." forces the child into a corner and might lead to rebellion, "Please pick up your toys" does not.

Make an offer they can't refuse

When you want your child to do something, make sure to phrase it so there will be an obvious benefit to them. Don't just say "Get dressed", or twitter "Let's all get dressed today" like some perennially-perky children's television presenter. Instead, make an offer you can't refuse.

"When you get dressed, we'll go to the playground" will persuade your child to do what you want them to do, because there is an obvious benefit for them.

Frame things in the best way

Rather than shouting "No jumping on the beds", say "We don't jump on the beds; we can jump on the trampoline". That reminds the child of the right behaviour without hectoring or forcing the point.

Be polite

You want to model the correct way for a child to speak to others, and it's never too early to start. Even if your child is two-years-old, always remember to say "Please" and "Thank you". "Please pass the baby-powder" and "Thank you for sitting so nicely" are examples of how to demonstrate to your child the best way to talk.

Say "I want..."

Most children want to please their parent. Saying "I want..." before any instruction gives them a chance to do that very simply and makes it more likely that your child will listen. So say, "I want you to let Jack have a turn" rather than "Let Jack have a turn".

Make your message easy to repeat

For toddlers, make your message short, easy to digest, and easy to remember: "Hands are not for hurting", "Feet are not for kicking", "Words are not for hurting".

Let your child finish the message

Don't tell your child to "put your blocks away". Instead say, "Where do your blocks go?" and let your child to remember the appropriate place to put them.

READ Guide to Upbringing Healthy Children

Show you're listening

When your child is talking to you, look at them. Reply to their remarks and model the correct way to communicate. Even if they're chattering on about something that seems silly, always reply and show you're interested. I once had a four-year-old child tell me their hamster had jumped over the house. "Wow!" I replied, "That must be a pretty big hamster to jump over the house."

Ask open-ended questions

Don't ask questions that require nothing more than a "yes" or "no" answer, because that's all the answer you'll get. Ask specific, open-ended questions that require more detailed answers. So don't ask, "Did you have a good day at school today?" and "Did you eat lunch?", but ask "What was your favourite thing about school today?" and "What did you have for lunch?"

If you want your child to talk to you, you have to show that you are genuinely interested in your child. The more time you spend engaging in polite, loving, open communication with your child, the more responsive your child will be to that communication.

You only get out of anything what you put in to it.