Tough Questions To Consider Before Your Elderly Parent Or In-Law Moves In With You

Is an elderly parent or in-law rapidly moving towards the stage where they will be unable to live by themselves? Just a few generations ago, elders moved in with relatives of younger generations very commonly, but today, retirement homes have become the norm in much of the western world. Some families still do make this arrangement work. Indeed, for many of those who decide that multi-generational living is the answer to an elder's increasing care needs, living together turns out to be a valuable time for all involved, one that allows families to grow closer together. 

Having an elder move in with you and your family — and being responsible for a good portion of the care needs your elder has — is a very serious step that deserves careful consideration from all sides, however.

How Do You All Feel About The Idea Of Living Together?

The moment an elder moves in with you, all your lives will change forever. Before proceeding, it is a good idea to consider the feelings everyone involved in the potential household — you, your spouse, your children, and your elderly parent or in-law — have about the prospect of living together.

The elder may strongly prefer the thought of living with loved-ones to the realities of living in a retirement or nursing home. If you have children, living together offers unique opportunities for bonding, and the years of living with grandparents may prove to be some of the best ones of their lives. If your elder is still healthy enough to contribute to the family, you may end up with wonderful family recipes to pass on, with an in-built babysitter, and with a busy, love-filled household.

However, even if you all do get on like a house on fire, don't simply assume that living together will be smooth sailing. A permanent arrangement is nothing like the holidays you may have enjoyed together, after all. As time goes on, it is quite likely that all of you will miss the level of privacy you previously enjoyed, that a more crowded home will give you cabin fever, and that your children will be upset over, for instance, having needed to give up a room for a grandparent. 

In addition, elderly people, especially if they develop dementia, may indeed become quite different people to the parents and grandparents you previously knew. For the elder, who no longer has the energy they once had, living with teen grandchildren or hyperactive preschoolers may also prove to be a challenge. Take an honest look not just at the potential benefits, but also the downsides. 

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Do You Have Clashing Personalities Or Habits?

Elderly parents raised you or your spouse, but once they move in with you, they'll be on your turf, creating a radical shift in the balance of power — a shift that can be uncomfortable for all. As an adult with a family of your own, you obviously have a set of house rules or habits, and those often differ from those your parent or in-law was used to.

Things To Think About Before An Elderly Parent Moves In With You

What About Finances?

Your life will change immensely once an elderly parent begins living with you, but so will your wallet. This, too, is something to discuss. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to handling finances as a multi-generational household, however, before you proceed you will want to ask yourself and your parent, as well as siblings you may have, some tough questions. 

Questions you will want to consider include:

• What will this cost on a monthly basis?
• Will we have to Renovate our home to make it possible for the elder to move in?
• Will the elder contribute financially, and if so, how?
• Who will make the financial decisions in your new family unit?
• What is the insurance status of your elder?
• Can you afford any loss of working hours involved in caring for your elder?
• Will siblings with whom the elder is not living also contribute financially?
• Is there a budget for nursing care the elder may need?

Practical Considerations: Can You Truly Meet The Elder's Needs?​

On an immediate practical level, frail elders benefit from living on the ground floor with access to a bathroom, for optimal mobility. Can you provide that? Will you need to alter anything in your home to allow them to get around as much as possible? Privacy is also important to many people. Will your elder have a separate space of their own, creating a semi-independent living situation, or will you all be living in the same space?

Then, will your elder's social network suffer if they are moving quite a while away to be with you? Are there activities for seniors in your area, or activities related to your elder's interests and hobbies? Is there a religious community available for your elder, if they are religious? 

How much care will your elder need, physically, and how may that change over the years? Are you truly able to meet these needs and if not, do you have the means to outsource some responsibilities, in the form of a nurse, or house cleaning help? If your elder is suffering from medical conditions — as most do — will their medical needs be able to be seen to in your locality? What are the hospitals like where you live? 

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While none of these tough questions should deter you from the prospect of living with, and caring for, your elder, it is indeed crucial to be prepared, and to build up a realistic idea of what to expect. If, after lengthy mutual discussions and calculations, you all feel confident that multi-generational living is the best solution for your family, you can expect some tough but rewarding years together.