I'm a 27 year old female who, like most, enjoy a night out with my friends to unwind. I have been a big drinker my whole life but more just binging. I never need a drink through the week even though sometimes I'll sip of a glass of red with dinner. I'm quite fit and enjoy training. 

The past few months I have been experiencing some huge emotional hangovers after a night out and they seem to be getting worse. I have tried limiting my drinking but once I feel that slightest bit buzzed and am having fun 9 times out of 10 I end up having a huge night having blackouts or buying cocaine or something stupid. Even if I sit there and consciously tell myself just take it easy that voice j. My head gets more dull and pretty soon I'm drunk and think "well f**k it". I am worried about what it's doing to my health as I do like to be healthy but all my friends like I go out and have drinks when we do things and I seem to always be the one they want to take when it's time to party. The anxiety I have been experiencing the next day is so intense I feel ill and am so fidgety. I sit there and rack my brain worried something I said it did will make one of my friends not like me anymore even when I know I haven't done anything wrong. I stress about what my parents think about me and I tell myself I'm such a failure. This usually lasts a day or so and it makes me feel like I'm driving myself insane! Planning how I'm going to stop, what I want to change about my life, how I can be a better person etc. then it slowly wears thin and little do I know the cycle continues and I'm back drinking again the next weekend because I simply cant say no to going out or having in drink which leads to many. I feel like I'm style in a vicious cycle or a rut and just don't know what to do. I want to be able to limit myself but then I'm so afraid of being judged for it or missing out because I'm not drinking. I can have so much fun sober it just never happens. I also stress that I'm starting to be known as just a partier and no one will ever take me serious or want to be with me because if it. I don't know what I'm looking for but u guess to see if anyone else feels this and how they manage it or some good tip. 

Thanks so much!!