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I am so happy to have discovered this forum. I am greatly in need of advice, I'm hoping someone can help me.

I made the mistake of having unprotected sex with a friend of mine while drunk months ago. I also had a fiance, and had a pretty healthy sex life as well. I am now 10 weeks pregnant, and don't know who the father is. I used the pull out method with the other guy, but feel pretty sure that he pre-came inside me. My fiance came inside me during that week as well. After reviewing when I was ovulating, the father could definitly be either of the men.

Let me also mention that I was on the pill for the last 10 years, just recently lost my job and no longer had insurance to pay for it. I know I should have gone to a clinic for free birth control, I feel terrible about that mistake also.

I am unable to locate a facility that will do a amino or CVS test for paternity. I was however, able to find a lab that does testing of the mother's blood, with both potential father's DNA swabs, at 13 weeks. My problem is, my fiance is now my husband and he does not know if he's ready to be a parent, and neither do I. We have been discussing both options and really feel 50/50 on the whole thing. I feel like maybe I could wait until after I find out the results, then have an abortion if it's not his baby, or maybe just have the abortion now. I know that either way, I am going to have regrets. I love my husband and feel terrible about what I have done, so please if you are going to post a message about what an id**t I am, and how wrong abortion is, please don't. I feel bad enough about the whole situation, and am looking for neutral 3rd party advice. My husband and I have definite problems in our relationship and I don't know if we would be good parents, I also don't know if I could go through with an abortion in my 2nd trimester. We plan on talking to a counselor this week.
Any advice is greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post, thank you for listening.


Hi Purpleorchid,

I read your post, thank you for your candidness.

In my humble opinion, I would definetely consider keeping your baby. My reasons for saying that are 1) Nothing is impossible. You are going to go through trials in your marriage, especially in your first couple of years. No matter how long you know a person, being married and learning about each other is very different now, because you guys are "one" now.

2) Having an abortion wont truly remedy the situation, It presents a whole new "can of worms" if you will. From my time of counseling women, it had quite a devastating effect upon them. Not all women confess to having these effects, but alot do.

How is your communication with your new hubby? Did learning you were pregnant change your attitudes toward each other?

Again, in my humble opinion, I think you might BOTH want to do research TOGETHER on BOTH pro-choice and pro-life websites. There is ALOT of information to glean from both sites. Also, try some medical sites that are reputable, and truly discuss it together.

Are you guys arguing lots? My hubby and I have been married 10 years, and the first year or so was PRETTY rough. I moved to Japan AND got pregnant 7 months after we were married!!! I was pretty scared. I wasnt sure about parenting either. I was frightened. We spent ALOT of time in prayer, thats for sure.

I will be candid with you. NOT JUDGEMENTAL...ok? I dont think abortion is right, I have seen alot of "ugly" things come out of it. I have seen women pretty "torn" from it, in ways I cannot describe. Every woman is different.

I do not reserve any right to judge others. Please make sure you research in depth and understand what is involved. Take good care of your heart(s). There are posts in here that describe the procedure.

With respect to your situations, "This too shall pass"




Hi Purpleorchid,

Here is some information on the procedure that I looked up. Again, keep researching, and be in prayer.


Vacuum Aspiration/Dilation and Curetlage (D&C): up to 14 weeks after LMP

This surgical abortion is done early in the pregnancy up until 14 weeks after the woman’s last menstrual period. The cervical muscle is stretched with dilators (metal rods) until the opening is wide enough to allow the abortion instruments to pass into the uterus. Laminaria (thin sticks derived from plants) may also be inserted several hours before the procedure. A hand held syringe is attached to tubing that is inserted into the uterus and the baby is torn from the uterine wall and suctioned out into a collection bottle. If the baby is larger, the doctor will insert a loop-shaped steel knife into the uterus connected to the tubing of the suction machine. The knife cuts the baby’s body into pieces and the suction pulls the parts out of the uterus. The placenta is also scraped off the uterine wall with the knife

Dilation and Evacuation (D&E): 15 to 18 weeks after LMP

This surgical abortion is done during the second trimester of pregnancy. Because the developing fetus doubles in size between the eleventh and twelfth weeks of pregnancy, the body of the fetus is too large to be broken up by suction and will not pass through the suction tubing. In this procedure, the cervix must be opened wider than in a first trimester abortion. This is done by inserting laminaria a day or two before the abortion. After opening the cervix, the doctor twists and tears away parts of the baby with forceps. This continues until the entire baby is removed from the womb. The baby’s head needs to be crushed so it can be removed. The bones in the skull are so hard that they could cut the cervix upon removal.

Dilation and Extraction (D&X): 19 to 20 weeks after LMP

Also know as Partial-birth Abortion, this procedure takes three days. During the first two days, the cervix is dilated and medication is given for cramping. On the third day, the woman receives medication to start labor. After labor begins, the abortion doctor uses ultrasound to locate the baby’s legs. Grasping a leg with forceps, the doctor delivers the baby up to the baby’s head. At this point, the baby is alive and in most cases, the baby is able to survive outside the mother’s womb at the age of 23 weeks. Next, scissors are inserted into the base of the skull and the scissors blades are spread apart to create an opening. A suction catheter is placed into the opening and the brain is sucked out. The skull collapses and the baby is removed


ACTUALLY Hisgrace..

D&E is used up to 24-26 weeks.

Go to this website. It lists clinics around the US, and you will see that abortion with d&e is done through 24-26 weeks.

PURPLEORCHID- I am pro choice, I believe that YOU should do what you personally feel is right for your marriage and your situation. I AM NOT you, and I cannot know how you live your life, or dictate your choices.

DNA testing IS certainly an option, and you can find out who the father of the baby is.

DO you want a baby at all?

You do need a 'reason' to have an abortion, You can have an abortion because you want one.

You do not need to explain yourself, or try to 'make' people understand, because noone can live your life.

IF the DNA shows it is your husbands baby, then you know. If it shows that it is NOT your husbands baby, then at least you know.

DO what is right for YOU, no matter what.



I am not trying to be mean... But I believe in ACCURATE INFORMATION...

Here is a statistic

"During the second trimester the options for abortion are primarily D&E and induction. PA 269a-70a, 283a, 314a-15a, 333a, 482a-83a. D&Es are overwhelmingly preferred, accounting for 95% of abortions performed between 16 and 20 weeks and 85% of abortions performed after 20 weeks."

YOU must add the "www"

This is a supreme court paper, which talks about later term abortion.


Hi Carifairy,

I know you didnt intend to be mean. No mean attitude taken. You seem to be one of the most "cool" headed in here. Its ok. I will do some more research. Thanks for your kindness. Blessings to you.



Weighing all the pro's and con's..

I don't believe in abortion as birth control. I also dont believe in " you made your bed now sleep in it"

That being said,,,,

You have a lot of doubts. Hub isnt ready, It's hard enough, starting a family when both people are thrilled about becomeing parents. If I were in your spot. I would abort and make my peace with god..


Dear purple child think about what you want. Think about you as a woman first of all. Don't think about anybody else it does not matter how much you love your partner. Besides if you and your partener are having issues and you end up loosing him you are going to end up loosing your child through abortion as well. Think about how you might feel after that!Nothing is harder than a decision you cannot change. And abortion is one of them. I had a n abortion and I regret it deeply and now I understand that the reason I had for doing it was insignificant compared to having my child. When that child was coming out of me I felt I love my baby so much and that I couldn't do anything to save him/her anymore. I couldn't do anythin it was too late. I had so much physical pain but I didn't care for that physical pain. Tha pain that was killing me was the pain of sorrow I felt on my chest. Now I know that if I become pregnant again even through rape I WOULD KEEP MY BABY.