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Hi,

I am new here and feel desperate for an answer.

I have two beautiful boys already aged 5 and 3, I now find myself with an unplanned pregnency - I am about six weeks now and my hubbie is totally against having another baby. We discussed abortion last night, it is his preference but wouldn't talk about it further as he does not want to make that decision. The thought of having another baby has really upset him, I cannot decide either way. Part of me wants the baby - but part of me doesn't. The main factor has to be that he will be unhappy so we will all then be unhappy, my two boys will be affected as I will not be there as much for them, financially we will be worse off and things we planned will not come off.

I really don't know what to do, I have sort of decided that abortion is the answer but do not know how I can go through with that, I just want to hide and for this to go away.

I have read so many posts on abortion and regret, I just feel whaterever option I decide on will cause regret.

Has anyone else been in this sort of position?

Thanks,
Clare.

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Dear Clare! First of all I'm sending you a HUGE hug!!!! And no one on here can tell you what to do honey!! :'( This is one of the hardest decisions a woman can make! We are not involved in your life, we don't know what a fine line you are on! I personally am Pro-Choice, YET am against abortion! If that makes ANY sense at all!! There are MANY women out there that I truly feel should either have had an abortion or did the bravest thing and put their child up for adoption! Then there are women who HAVE to have an abortion, either forced by their parents or LIFE! Then there are women - whom I have counselled on here, that just HAVE abortion after abortion with totaly disregard!

I don't think ANY woman should be forced to have an abortion, I know you have a husband/partner, BUT he isn't the one that will have to have the procedure is he? I GET your circumstances honey, and I TOTALLY understand how your husband feels! BUT what always gets to me is that it takes 2 to make a baby and 2 to do an OOPS! IF he never wanted another child, he should have made sure that he didn't! As in a vasectomy, wearing a condom ALL the time etc! NO contraception is fool proof, they all have a certain percentage of failure! And any adult is aware of that! So each time you have sex it IS Russian Roulette isn't it? And you have to have the "What If's!?" in the back of your mind! And now the "what if" is now a done deal!

I am sure you have asked yourself how you will feel after the abortion! How will you feel towards your husband!? I suppose THAT is one of the biggest elephants in the room isn't it? HOW is this ALL going to affect your relationship? IF you decide against an abortion, will he resent you?! IF you decide to keep it, will you resent him?! And I suppose the greater answer IS you answer - does that make any sense? Which is going to have the long term consequences to your relationship? No one wants an OOPS!! Thus contraception! BUT half the world would not be here if it wasn't for oops's!

I have 2 very dear friends of mine! My girlfriend is a VERY strong willed woman, and her husband not so much! Well he had a marijuana addiction and she decided that he MUST have a vasectomy - so they wouldn't have any more children - because she didn't trust his addiction! Well he had it and got clean! Just last year she said they have been very upset and angry that they had the vasectomy because they wanted another child!!!! But now it's too late! Another story - which is wild but true - is a co worker of mine had 3 lovely children, so he had a vasectomy, WHAM his wife became pregnat, so after she had her 4th child she had her tubes tied and swear on a stack of bibles she became pregnant AGAIN!!!! We were like this at work o.O ! So he had another vasectomy wrapping and tieing and burning all the tubes!!! XD BUT they viewed it as this is what they were supposed to have! Actually my business and ALL the employees helped them - because they were in a bad way financially so we had auctions and donations for them etc. But that was another story!

There is an old saying "The saddest words in tongue or pen, are the words "what might have ben"" Basically saying REGRET is the strongest words! And I suppose you have to ask this of yourself - DEEP down - and your husband aloud! "WILL I/WE have regret" And I think this is your answer! IF this is the best thing for your FAMILY right now, then that is your answer! IF it is the worst thing for your family right now! - then there is your answer!

My heart aches for you honey! There have been many times in my married life when a baby - at that time would have been a TERRIBLE time - then there were times I ACHED for another! So I understand you dilemma - more than you realize from my babbiling! Lack of support and money - is VERY hard! And it takes a FAMILY to raise a child! And I didn't have support from mine - grandparent, parent etc. I would like to know if YOU have that extra support - either from your family, the church, friends etc.? IF you don't then there's another answer - just like if you do!

I have known people that have had regret after stopping a pregnancy, and I have known feelings of relief! It's just ALL down to the circumstances at the time! Will YOU be able to get over and THROUGH this? THAT is THE question!! sorry for babling on honey! It's such a BIG question - the Biggest! Much love and sympathy!
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Thank you so much for taking the time to write that fantastic and thought provoking reply, I really appriciate it!

I have alot of thinking to do and questios to ask.
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You both do honey! It is SO hard for you to THINK! About what is the best thing to do - because this is the ULTIMATE feelings! so how can you rule out your FEELINGS and let your head rule?!!! Please let me know how you are and if you ever need to talk I'm usually on here OK?! And also know whatever you decide THAT is the right decision for YOU and your family RIGHT NOW!!! You might have regret either way, but ALL of us do at some point in time! And Also know I wont judge you either way! Good luck and health honey! And above all piece of mind and heart!
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I'm speechless Bambie..... o.O what an incredible caring, awsome reply :-D

be best regards and prayers to you clare..... please keep us updated on your decisions
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Hi,

I thought I should update you on my situation, I cannot really comprehend it yet.

On Friday, I had bad pain in one side - my right which is the only side with a tube. Then at lunch I was bleeing, I ended up at hospital until late that night. I was sent home but then admitted on Saturday with suspected ectopic pregnency. On Monday they said after the scan that I have had a compete miscarriage. I am so relieved yet have not emotionally felt upset unti right now typing this! I have been so frightened for myself really yet relieved that don't have to make the decision to abort my baby - maybe it just knew not to progress.

What a few weeks this has been. I do no want another ride like this rollercoaster again. I wonder what the decision would have been as to whether or not I would have gone through with an abortion and feel so guilty I even considered it but then think that guilt is because of the relief I feel at not being in that position now.

I want to add something now for the ladies going through a decision like this, or who have had an abortion - I really feel for you, it is an awful time, but the replies I received above are so right - the decision has to be what is right for you, I will always thank you for those words! I count myself luckey right now that I don't have to be the one to make that decsion I really was not brave enough.

Thanks for being there last week, I really needed to hear your advice, I am just grateful for such forums and will now have to accept what was not meant to be and ensure it does not happen again and say a prayer for the baby that could not be.

Clare.
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:'( I'm heartbroken for you Clare! BUT I also understand your relief! While I was reading it, I thought that perhaps it would have shook your husband around - IF the outcome had been different! I suppose its mother nature testing you to see how you feel - if you think about it! Like people that THINK they are pregnant and find out that they are not! It's kind of like "OK that made me decide I want one, or that made me decide I wasn't going to do that again! " Anyway I am "Glad" - for lack of a better word! That you didn't have to make that decision! And I ALWAYS pray for the loss of a baby - no matter how small!!! Take care honey! All the best!
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Hi this story gives me hope to get pregnant coz I want to have atleast one.I am married to a man have had vasectomy b4 we get married...Thanks... Emily
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