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Hello

My boyfriend and I going out for 2 years now. We are very close and love each other much. The only problem is our sex life. We never had sex often and I was always very upset about that. But now it became almost zero. I am ready to finish this relationship as I can't do it anymore. I always though he doesn't like me. We had a talk today and now he told me the reason. His previous relationship was very chaotic. She was abusive and violent and blackmailed him if he wanted to leave. They got drunk a lot together. Today I found out that she had 2 abortions during the relationship and he feels ashamed about it and guilty. And he still couldn't get over him and it totally put him off sex. He wants to be with me so he is willing to change. How could I help him to overcome his scares? How can we move on and change things?
Please help me as our relationship really can't go on like this!

Thank you very much!

Pennie

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Hi Pennie,

You do understand that his concerns are not because of you, they are a part of his life. It sounds like the abortions really bother him and he does not want to have that happen again. There may also be a bit of a trust issue. If the other woman blackmailed him he may be afraid it will happen again.

See if he'll tell you more about this. Counseling may help both of you if you want this to work.

He has been hurt and it will take him time to learn to trust again. If you love him then work with him.

Hope this helps, Dan
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Hi Dan

Thank you for your reply! I appreciate it!
Well I am willing to work with him more then anything. The abortions are already years ago. I think we have to move on too. As awful as it is, it is effecting our relationship now too. I am understanding and I am there for him of course.
Because our sex was always very little we're very shy with each other when it comes to being together physically or being naked. How can introduce sex again? I thought we should start it really slow. Maybe just massaging or cuddle and things like that.
Have you got any tips how we could introduce sex and intimacy again?

Thank you!

Pennie
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Hi pennie, your bf sounds a bit traumatized, with just cause of course. Many of us believe that an abortion only affects the female, but many men feel the emotional pain as well. This was a part of them and they can be just as upset as the women. There are a lot of guys out there who are very sensitive and a tradgedy can really mess with their heads.
You really have to take baby steps with him, i think it's going to take a while before the two of you can find your comfort zone. The last thing you want to do is complain and you should be sensitive to his feelings. As upset or angry that you may get with the situation, don't let him see it.
Quiet time together, just laying together and holding each other, start out trying to get into the situation by a little conversation, nothing to heavy at first. Insure him that you are on some kind of birth control and to make it double secure, ask that he wear a condom as well.
He needs to totally know that the chance of pregnancy is to be avoided completly.
Ask him if he would consider couples counseling, don't push that to hard tho.
If you truly love him, accept him and his issues and help him to work them out, one at a time.
If you feel that your spinning your wheels and your not happy with him, you must help yourself as well. We are are own number one priority, and if we are not 100% for ourselves then what?
Don't just walk out on him, give him the option first, that's fair play. He needs to be sure that you are not the monster that his X was, tho i am sure he knows that in the 2 years that you to have been together.
After you feel that you have opened several doors for him and have offered him several options to no avail, then it's your turn to decide what your going to do with yourself.
If you can't afford counseling there are several Self Help cd's and videos at your local library, also Self Help books that the two of you can maybe read together. Do this together tho so the both of you can get the benefit of it. These self help cd's and books give the both of you different techniques and excercises to do, some on your on your own and some together, take advantage of your library services, it free.
I think the both of you will be okay, it's going to take some time tho.
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Hi Pennie,

I'm glad you're willing to work with him. I think you're idea of cuddling and massaging is a great idea. Just go slow.

bbfeet's given you some good advice too. Really, just be sensitive to his feelings. He has been traumatized.

Good luck, let us know how things are going.
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hello

i haven't posted for a while as our relationship went through a bit of up and downs. All that is sorted now and we are as happy as ever but still no sex.

i tried to have a chat with him and tell him that i think we should start massaging and so first and then slowly move on. but unfortunately that didn't go well.
i could only say that i would like it if we would kiss again (i mean kissigng with tongue) and wanted to move on from there but he wouldn't let me. he said:" oh stop that makes me cringe." and he told me that it made him really uncomfortable talking about that.
i was very upset about that as i spent time coming up with things to help us and it was my last idea on how to help us. and between us i do find it a bit uptight of him. he said before that he grow up with a catholic background and his family wasn't very open about those things. but we are both grown ups so what....
well i didn't say all that to him of course. he did ensure me that he wants things to change and so on but i don't know how this should happen.
nothing will change if we just keep on going like we're now.
what i'm trying now is to make a move a little. last weekend we had a few drinks together and before we went to bed i asked him for a kiss and we had a tiny kiss. at least something. you might wonder why after a drink but as i mentioned in previous post my confidence has left me as i feel personally rejected and feel undesireable. even though it might not be the case but i have to get my confidence back too.

the problem now is that i just find our progress to slow. i mean in about 3 weeks we had one kiss. if it keeps going in that pace it will take forever.

i don't know what to do. what or how can i help us? counseling is not an option. he would never do it. he cannot even talk to me never mind a stranger.

please help me with advise what i can do. i am willing to do everything but i don't know what i can do.

should i gentle try again to talk? or what would be the best?

i would appreciate any help or advise a lot!

pennie
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Hi Pennie,

As a guy who was raised Catholic, I know what your husband mean. My family isn't open to these things either.

Counseling may work. It is not the same talking to you as it is to a stranger, not by any means. I know he may be reluctant, lots of people are, but it does help. I've gone many times for various reasons. It does not mean that there is a problem with either of you and he needs to understand that. Sometimes just seeking another opinion is what helps.

Even if he won't go, you can. It may help you understand what he is going through. If you want to make this relationship work, take this step.

If you weren't raised Catholic, you may not quite understand what role that plays in your life. That Catholic "guilt" still is a big part of me. My wife can't understand it but she has seen what it does to me at times. I'm "old fashioned" as from what my son says, and that is a big part of why.

Good luck and keep us posted.
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Hi Pennie,
As a women who was raised Catholic, but was forced to practice against my wishes, i understand him. But tho he has these issues, i think i am more worried about you. Sooner than later i see you starting to resent him and his problems. If the man is not open to "face to face" therapy, please try the cd's, ask him to listen to one by himself on his way to work in the morning, then you listen to the same one. One little smootch in 3 weeks is not healthy nor rewarding for you. It's wonderful that you two get along, but if your going to continue to be in a committed relationship, there has got to be some kind of intimacy somewhere.

It's such a stroke of bad luck that this man had to be so traumatized, it's really sad. It's fine for a man to be sensitive about certain issues, but not to the point where he sits on them and stews about them for years. This man will never allow himself to be in a loving and sexual relationship with anyone, so just know it's not you. It seems to me that he won't allow himself to accept any kind of professional help, he obviously doesn't want those scars reopened. He needs to know that it's time to close that chapter in his life and he also needs to realize that if he doesn't let go and move on with you, a women who obviously is crazy about him, that he will end up alone and miserable.

No way am i telling you to "move on" but you need to re evaluate just how much you love him. Maybe it's time for you to throw your cards on the table and tell him where the bears s**t. Your not going to like givin him an ultimatum and he certainly won't like getting it, but it is what it is now. It seems like you have stroked him and coddled him and babied him long enough, now it's time. You have to be happy too. If you can be happy and content and satisfied with what he is giving you right now, knowing that this may be all he can give you, then continue on and be silently miserable, otherwise you must speak up to him and remind him that his feelings and his heart are not the only feelings and not the only heart that is being hurt here.
Remind him how much you love him and need him and all that lovey stuff that will make him feel important and wanted, granted you may have to stroke his ego some more, then you have to drop the bomb if you will, a gentle bomb. See how he handles that.
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