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So, I moved in with my boyfriend who I've known for a long time on the internet. We used to talk on the phone and skype and everything. He never was interested in sex though. Never asked me for naughty photos or to talk dirty or anything. I kind of liked that about him, he was different, he wasn't a pervert. I knew he liked me for me. So when I moved in with him. At first we had sex and it was normal and fun. I was his first... which i found unusual because he had a girlfriend before for about six months and he was after all about 22 years old when we moved in together. I  just thought he was saving it for someone special. ME! After a few months of living together I realized something was very wrong. He was totally disinterested in sex. He would reject me left and right, and even when we DID do it he would immediately get up and shower or go eat and watch tv or something. When we did do it, it wasn't that bad but getting there was a huge battle. I started to feel really terrible about myself. This is all only a FEW MONTHS after dating. I'm honestly not an ugly or disgusting woman, but I started feeling that way. I noticed he was still jerking off though because I would find crusty rags around the room... so that just made everything worse. I felt like I was competing with his hand. Something had to be done if I was going to continue a relationship with him. I never knew how to bring it up though. I would want sex so bad sometimes that I thought if I brought it up it would ruin my chances of getting it. Sometimes I would get so desperate for affection or passion I would just force his hand on me and he would pull away or pretend he was sleeping or get mad. Thats when I start to get really disheartened. That was when I started speaking up about it to him. The problem with speaking about sex to him is that is a hugely akward subject for him since he doesn't seem to like sex really anyways. I tried my best to ask why he didn't like sex as much as I did and understand him a bit. He would kind of say something and slough me off though. He would say things like well i just dont care about it as much as most guys, or i'm just not a pervert freak. He seemed to get defensive. He started to realize if he just did it with me it would shut me up for the most part. So thats what we were doing for a long time... me just agonizing over how long we would not to it for and him just sticking it in me once in a blue moon to shut me up. I then started to fear what might happen if this continued, what if one night I just decided to get sex somewhere else?? I really didn't want to do that, I really truly love him and wouldn't ever want to jeapordize our relationship. So one night I blew up. I basically threatened to leave if things didn't change. He then started to reveal why he hated sex. He basically said that when he was a little kid he walked in on his parents and they were doing things and saying things that disturbed him thouroughly and that it seemed like they were doing a satan ritual and he would have nightmares after that and then decided that everything his parents did that he viewed as bad he would never do. He never drank or smoked or got into harley bikes or anything like that. It seems to me that no one really guided  him or told him that sex was okay. Then he told me that when he was 12 his dad came into his room and came up behind him and gyrated his hips against him and when he asked what he was doing he said nothing and got up and left. SO that being said I started to understand that he had some weird issues with sex. Now that I understand WHY he hates sex. I would love to know HOW to help him get over it. He admitted that he would probably need professional help but he got defensive when I told him I would take him to a counsieller. I'm really stuck now. I don't want him to feel sick and disgusted by sex. I want it to be a fun passionate thing. He doesn't even makeout with me ever because he says I get too turned on. Sometimes I just want him to touch me and be attracted to me. I can't even explain how much it hurts. I don't know what to do anymore. Can I help him? Anyone?

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Kiddo, save yourself a pile of grief and continue with your life. You don't have to abandon your friendship with your friend, but stop looking for some miraculous cure to manifest itself.  What his father did certainly confused him, but it sounds like his problem runs deeper.  Frankly, there's a good chance he's gay.  What his father did served to disgust him regarding the idea of homosexuality.

YOU need to find yourself a real boyfriend.  You are not stuck; he is.  He cannot change until HE IS READY TO SEEK HELP.  Stop pushing him to get help.  If you move on it might just be the jolt that gets him to look for help.  He's got lots of convenient excuses that make very little sense.  He's trying hard to ignore the fact that HE HAS A PROBLEM

If you remain as you are you'll only find yourself dragged deeper and deeper into his rut.  Soon you'll be in need of therapy yourself because whether you realize it or not this is an abusive relationship.  You're already taking responsibility for getting him help and saying things like you're really stuck.  Maintain your self respect and realize that YOU deserve love and a boyfriend who will love you in return, in every way.

As I said, you can keep the door open to friendship, but face facts that's all this guy has to offer you at the moment....... A FRIENDSHIP AND NOTHING ELSE.  Whatever the cause he has issues with his sexuality and HE MUST RECTIFY THEM, defining who he is in the process.

If you leave him, you are NOT being cruel, you are trying to hold onto your own mental health and self esteem.  If you stay you're telling yourself you're not worthy of a full relationship with a man who loves you..... the way men love women.  You need a man who will relish your femininity and will love you for your mind and your body, AND you need a man who doesn't come with this kind of deep seated baggage that could take years to work out ONCE HE DECIDES HE'S WORTH THE EFFORT HE NEEDS TO TAKE TO MAKE A LIFE FOR HIMSELF.  At the moment he's drowning in self absorbed, self destructive, anger and hatred..... partly for his father, but mostly for himself.

Do not give into this childish petulant behavior.  It wasn't even he who reached out for help.  You can't be his mental health proxy.  You can't go to counseling for him, and YOU can't fix his life for him.

Do both of you a favor and have enough regard for yourself to reach out and grab a full life.

Very good luck to you.  I'll wish him luck when he DOES SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE.
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I was really interested in this because it sounded (at the start ) a lot like my current situation and god i know how sh*t it feels !
But when I read on it got a whole lot deeper I think you and him know that he does need help he isn't 'crazy' or anything it's just sex should be embraced and it's not fair on either of you.
The situation about his father i dont really understand and if i am being honest I think him thinking it was 'a satan ritual' maybe just an over exaduration or a young naive assumption.
I Really think him seeing somebody and talking about it more openly would help and also maybe talking to his parents also..
But seriously you gotta make a decision do you really love this guy and do you wanna be with him if the answers a definate yes then help you know and encourage him but if no and it's beginning to affect and make you feel worse or your worrieng that he wont ever get over it you need to reconsider the relationship.
You have probably already realsied this but I want to be reasurring x
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hello,

if he doesnt take of your needs, leave him. many men would glad to have a nice girl like you.

is it possible that he is a homosexual? i went out with a man for 2 years, thought he liked me for me (never initiated sex) we broke up and 3 years after the breakup, he told me he was super gay. he's still my best friend.

its possible that it is not the case, im just saying this because it is a possibility.

 

regards, take care

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was kinda thinkin.. a closet gay.... sounds like he NEEEDS conseling at ANY rate
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word from a guy.
might be a little off topic but Very Important!!!
you should try doing this, and please keep in mind i'm trying to help not to hurt:
Shave!!! everywhere (legse, arms, armpits, private area) remove everything. Or better yet go brazilian.
Shower before sex
Wash your mouth ( and tongue!)
Keep your hygiene on top level, even if you think you are ok , just because you are used to doing things in a certain way, that does not necessary mean that you are ! Ask your friends how they do this kind of stuff. TRUST ME!

It is a major turn off when something from the above is not right! And it is incredible how many girls are out there, unshaven, dirty, salty, smelly and so on ..... Man it sucks... it makes you feel really bad and lowers the self-esteem on the guy!

Check those things.
Wish you luck



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Here is sort of a twist for you. I always think meeting people in the middle, while making serious progress is a good alternative. I can only assume from the other replys telling you to leave him cold, that you obviously love this guy very much if you have already taken on part of the blame. So there are a couple of things I wanted to cover, to both open your eyes, and his eyes at the same time, and possibly save the relationship. You may want to try a wide range of varrying sex subjets on him to not only educate him on how big the world of sex is, but that it's just not limited to that one thing he caught his parents doing that he finds to be so terrible.

He might find you irresistable if you were decked out in a Shiney Goth rubber set and being ready to whip him with your painful whip if he doesn't lick your boots. Not that you would approve but he could get turned on if there were two women in the bed ready for him. You could douch with a 2 quart warm bag of water with a tablespoon of Castle Soap, that makes you feel good, smell good, and taste good. If he's never had a blow job, get him to allow you to try this on him, and do it good. Keep steady rythem and swallow, guys love this. You might not enjoy it, but may find it's something he actually enjoys. He might losen up after you try a few of these. Of course what I have mentioned is by no means the limit or the excess of sex, there are so many things you can try with him, and eventually learn what he does like. How about dressing up in a cheerleaders costume?

If he has been traumatized by witnessing a sexual occurance, it's also possible that if you educated on some of the other twisted, bizzar, and sick things that other people might like in sex, he might realize that what he caught his parents doing wasnt sh*t compared to whats out there.  All of which was unclear to begin with. I'm not sure if he didn't want to give you the gory details or if you just didn't want to share it. Either way, as you can see, it wouldn't be to hard to teach him that his parents were actually pretty normal.

Everyone has their limitations, and when it comes to sex, those things are just accepted and respected. In your case it sounds like you can't get past holding hands. Don't feel bad, I was with a girl for 5 years, enguaged. I bought her a 1/3 ct princess cut diamond in a white gold band because she was alergic to yellow gold. It costs a lot more just so you know.  She couldn't open her mouth big enough to give me oral, She eventually complained to me that sex hurts her, so of course I'm not going to ask or force her.  I couldn't go down on her because it was like her temperature was always high which caused he to have a slight odor and she would never douch even though I highly suggested it. She had one very long labia about two inches long that she had to tuck to prevent it getting caught in a zipper.  I couldn't kiss her because she had tonsiliths so her breath like very bad poo.  All I could do was finger her, but still able to give her mind blowing orgasms. She told me she would see stars when she would cum.

I realized that our intamacy was pretty much holding hands. I was only able to deal with it for about two years and masterbated all the time, and tried to hook up with other women in the mean time, got caught, and we were done.

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Childish behavior, because someone doesn't like sex. Look i agree if she wants to be sexually active they should split up, but dont put this on the guy alone. This terrible society we live in has everyone having sex and its disgusting.
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If he's disgusted by it let it go if a girl kept bugging to have secne and l wasn't in to it I would get pissed off so if he doesn't like it let the man be
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I've had many guys with aspergers/autism and they feel this exact way about sex. Being molested as a child doesnt lead to being disgusted by sex. He could be autistic. Google it and see and if so; RUN!

Don't know how you've done with your living situation but if you can't move or you'd be stuck at your parents, stay as a roomate but end the relationship. R.U.N!

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Sounds like he is Asexual and still wants to be in a relationship - he is willing to do something with you that he doesn't really enjoy. That tells me he is interested in being with you for more than just your body.

I don't get why people presume 'not interested in sex' = 'repressed gay'. Sexual desire isn't for everybody.

~Gav
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Hi, I sympathize with your situation, and have a similar experience. I have made the decision to leave, and it's very difficult. I am not sure if I agree with everything the poster below has said, control136647, but it is very sound advice, on the whole. Whatever his problem is, it isn't you, it's him, and while it may be tough to renegotiate the terms of your relationship, if you both care about one another and have shared your lives together, you can still maintain a great friendship.
That said, continuing efforts at a romantic relationship are all on your side, and that's not good for either of you. One thing about love is learning to share the most important parts of your life together, sex is a part of that, and we must all live and learn. No one did anything wrong here--but staying together would be. I'm sorry, I'm having to go through this, too. But as a female, we MUST learn to be with men who'll be there for us, and able to meet our needs, or the situation goes from "lesson learned" to hard-core psychological damage. This isn't the guy for you, that's very clear. You both deserve to have emotional and physical love. Letting go is a part of life. Learn this now for a happier tomorrow. Love and best of luck to you both
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Just remember: It's Ok to Go. You're Ready to Go. It's Okay to Go. And you will, and you'll be happy again :-)
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What is said below is not true. Men, far more than women, become adverse to sexuality due to sexual abuse. It can gross them out. Ask any therapist and read the scientific literature.Just because this guy is the way he is, it doesn't mean he is gay. Not every guy is interested in sex in the same way. Guys wants different levels of it. Do away with antiquated stereotypes folks. As for a solution: I think the woman has a right to a healthy relationship that involves sex, but that she should propose counseling. I don't believe in dumping people just cuz they have baggage. Everyone on this site does. If he refuses, say you have to go.

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