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First of all, sorry this is going to be long.
So my boyfriend and I met on a volunteer trip about 7 months ago, and well we really hit it off. He lives in the mid west of the U.S. and I live west coast of Canada, so its decently long distance.

I grew up in such a way where I am highly against drug use. It really upsets me and makes me awkward and anxious and up until the past few months I couldn't even talk about it with out getting sick and stressed. I knew he smoked weed when I met him, but I guess I didn't really realize how much, and I liked him enough to over look it.

So it came to my attention fairly early on that he smoked much much more than I realized. Closing in on once a day. He knew it upset me, so he didn't do it in front of me, and we didn't really talk about it. If I asked, he'd tell me, but if I didn't ask then we just simply ignored it. Though it would come about once a month where I would get upset and we'd half talk about it. I didn't feel that only dating him for 2 months long distance gave me the leaverage to say "me or the drugs". Especially knowing that he did do it less because of me.

See, before me, his last relationship ended really badly, and he was highly depressed and semi suicidal for a good year and a half. He said he was high as long as he was awake. And that since me his usage has gone down a lot, knowing that I don't like it. And he claims that he would choose me over the drug at any time, and that he often picks to come talk to me instead of going out smoking with his friends.But being long distance we have lots of time apart where he can still do so. He has told me multiple times that he most deffinitely doesn't want to be doing this when hes done college. (in a year), and that he'll be done by then and won't do it.  

At this time he sold to the brothers in his frat, and no matter how many times I told him I didn't like this and that it scared me and upset, he claimed it wasn't dealing as he was only selling to his close friends. My argument was that if he was making money, it was dealing, no matter how little was being sold.

Well, I went to stay with him for a week 5 months in to the relationship. He promised me that he would get all the stuff out of his room, and that I wouldn't even know it existed. However this proved more difficult than he had assumed, and while he didn't smoke it, he still had guys coming to his room asking to buy some, and he would have to tell them to meet him later cause his stuff wasn't in that room.

We had had multiple talks up to this point, where he would do his darnest to defend his marijuana usage as not bad, and not bad for ones health, and that he does it less, and that its just like having a beer with his friends and so on and so forth. At some point, one of his friends got caught dealing and got in serious trouble. That scared my boyfriend enough that he doesn't do that any more. The whole incident really upset him, and he was very very sorry for putting me through that fear and didn't understand it till now. So he no longer deals.

I finally had the balls to explain to him exactly how I felt and that I thought he might be addicted. I told him that he was acting like he was addicted and gave him all the reasons. I then also told him that while he feels like he's choosing it over me, I don't feel like he is, as he still does it. That I'm having a hard time waiting for the end of college cause it does upset me, and if he really picked me over the drugs, he wouldn't be doing them at all knowing that it really upsets me.

He actually admmited that yeah, he probably was addicted and that I had some good points. But that he smoked way less than he used to, didn't sell any more, and really was trying to stop. He told me that if I really got fed up and was going to leave him due to the drugs, he would stop completely and wouldn;t want to lose me over something so trivial. As I really never knew how much he smoked, due to not talking about it, I then learned that he smoked basically very day. somedays he wouldn't at all, somedays hed do it a few times, but that he was never getting really really high anymore, just like a buzz. 

So, I'm going to be with him for 3 months this summer. He told me that this would help him alot with his problem, because me being there would help keep him away from situations where he would smoke, and he would have to consider that I am there. He even got a more expensive appartment for the summer because Id be there and he knew I would be unhappy living with his friends who smoke all the time. But I don't know what to do.

I really love him, and I know he really cares about me.
He is really really good to me in every way but this.
He's admited to his addiction, and wants to stop.
In fact, his usage and dependency on it has decreased.
But I still don't know when he does do it.
He doesn't lie to me, and is very honest if I actually ask about it.
I want him to stop on his own, not due to me threatening that I'm going to leave him.
We do have a date for him to stop by. He has promised he will stop by the last day of college
I know he stopped smoking when I was there last, but 1 week is alot less than 3 months.
ALL his friends do it.

I've been thinking about simply getting him to tell me whenever he does smoke. Which would at least let me know exactly how often he does it, and make him feel guilty every single time, knowing that its upsetting me every time because I know.
Or if it would be better for me to simply get him to tell me the days that he doesn't do it, so that I can use positive reinforcement. In the hopes that the more days he doesn't, the happier I'll be him and he'll do it less. Also letting me know how often he actually does it.

I also don't know what I should expect from him this summer. I'll be there in less than a month. Every time he goes to his friends alone, I'm going to assume hes smoking. But I really have no proof that he is or isn't, so I guess I need him to tell me whether he has or hasn't done so.But then how often do I expect him to do such a thing. 
If I crack the whip too much, he will just become frustrated and probably rebel, making the situation worse. But If I don't crack the whip enough, he won't feel as if there was a problem and he'll keep doing what he is doing.
I could just wait till the end of college, as he knows that if he's not stopped by then I will most definitely be leaving. 
He also knows that if this summer goes poorly and I'm unhappy, I very well may also leave.
Aside from the end of college, I have never told him "stop or I'm leaving", I have however told him that I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with his substance abuse. 
I just don't know what the best choice is. I really love him and care about him and want him to get better.
I'm just really lost.
Thank you
Sorry for this being so long


Yes its long , its deep, but that is good because it sounds familiar. If he has already admitted he is addicted and really wants to quit, tell him to get some help with it. Quitting marijuana on your own after you have smoked so long to the point of addiction is very hard. Some of the reason why i think its so hard is because you keep telling yourself you can quit anytime, its not that big of a deal and in comparison to other hard drugs /narcotics, weed just seem like child's play and that is how smokers see it. They keep telling themselves they can quit anytime, but it is really hard. I wasn't able to do it  until i got treatment and joined a support group. Weed is more socially acceptable in comparison to say crack or heroin and it is perceived to be much less dangerous so people don't recognize as quickly when they become addicted to it, they just think they want to get high and its just weed so its not a big deal. Well, guess what, it is a big deal. Once you become psychologically dependent on it, it controls every aspect of your life. you cant wait to get home from work, school, to smoke. it becomes more important than family or friends, all you can think about is smoking, you become obsessed with running out, you already make plans to get more before you run out, gosh, your whole life is revolves around getting your weed and getting high. It will eventually affect your relationships. In your case, it already is. He said he would quit if he knew he was gonna lose you, well if that's the case, he should quit now and not wait until it gets to that point. And i can nearly guarantee, if that is why he would quit, then he definitely is going to smoke again. He needs to know that since he has admitted to addiction, the next step is to get help if he really wants to quit. As much as you love him, its better for both of you if he quits now. The more he prolongs it and gives excuses, the more you see how powerful the weed is over him and he really is not the one in control anymore, but the weed. Don't keep helping him postpone this, put your foot down if you really love him and want a healthier relationship. Marijuana is much stronger than most people realize and that is why its hard for them to know when they have crossed the line from social smoking to dependence and addiction. I have been there. Wish you the best.


Thank you. I appreciate the advice. I'll look in to what his university offers :)


As someone who has had to live with addiction for thirty years, what you are dealing with now is only the tip of the iceberg. Someone with an addicted personality will always struggle with addiction in its many forms..all their life .trust me. It's true! Ask yourself do you want to deal with these struggles for the rest of your life? Do you want your future kids to also? I know you love him, but think about if you are being really loved. It sounds like a lot of headaches to me. It is possible to be head over heals in love with someone who is not good for you. When picking a mate use brain first then heart.