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Please help! I feel like I am living in a terrible nightmare....sorry, but this will probably be long!

My husband is 29 and smokes marijuana for about total of about 10 hours EVERY DAY (and has been since he was a teenager). He is severely lazy--which I assume is because of the long-term smoking. He won't do anything around the house--not even simple things like cleaning the toilets, taking out trash, doing laundry, etc., etc. He doesn't work much--it will range from 10-20 hours a week (usually closer to 10). He even asks at his job to not work many hours (when he very well could). He works in pizza delivery and has for about the last 10 years. He has no desire to further himself in any way. He never finished college and does not have any career goals whatsoever. I work full time and obviously make about 90% of our income, and we are having some financial problems. I am about to have to get a 2nd job, and even knowing that, he is not interested in working any more.

Another thing that has been affected is our sex life. We rarely have sex because he uses the time when I am at work to masturbate to porn. Even if we try to have sex on a day that he has masturbated, he is unable to perform at all. Mostly, however, he very rarely has the interest to have ACTUAL sex. He is satisfied with only the masturbation, and has no interest in pleasing me.

Another way he spends basically his entire day (and night) is video games. It is almost non-stop. He stays up late playing games and will never come to bed with me. He ends up falling asleep on the couch every night. We have been together 4 years, and I can count on 2 hands how many times we've slept in the same bed... :-( I've even offered that he can play games/watch tv/whatever in bed or that he could stay up late to play games and then just come back to bed when he is done. He won't even do that. He ends up awake most of the night (with the exception of a few hours of sleep) and while I am gone to work during the day, and then sleeps late afternoon/early evening (usually while I am home).

He also has NO emotional responses to anything. No sadness, no happiness, nothing. The only emotion I ever see out of him is anger--other than that he is completely blank.

I really feel like I am being used, and I am just working to try to find out if this may be caused by the marijuana or if it is just him. I know there could always be deeper issues. I've confronted him many times about these problems. I addressed the issues very calmly/sympathetically for years, but now I am getting to the point where I am just angry about how I am being treated in this marriage. He always says he will change his ways, and sometimes will for about a day or so, but it always goes back to the same old thing. I've even offered to help get him counseling (either him alone or together), and he will say he will, but doesn't ever follow through--and there is only so much I can do.

He has promised me many times that by certain dates he will quit smoking marijuana, and then when the date rolls around, he will try to hide his smoking from me for as long as he can instead of quitting. The only people he surrounds himself with are people who smoke weed. He isn't very social at all, but the few people he has met/hung out with always smoke weed.

Can VERY HEAVY, long-term marijuana use cause things such as this? Please help, so I can decide whether this is something I should continue to try to work on with him or if I need to just leave. Hope this all made sense. I will keep track of the forum, so please let me know if you have any questions about certain behaviors that could maybe be explained. Thanks so much for everyone's help!

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Hi

I hope that I am replying the right way..I just happened upon what you have said because I googled the same thing: Husband smokes weed all day, sleeps on the couch every night, our sex life is bad etc...although he is 40 and I am 37 we have been together for about 9 years..he is my second husband...I believed he was my soul mate..etc...etc..my life is terrible..I dont have kids with him but I have two daughters aged 13 and 9 from a previous marriage that hear our fights and dont understand him at all..I want to leave him..I beg him daily to please shower (he also does not shower for weeks on end!!) I also beg him pretty much to have a normal sex life again..I feel really sad and dont know what to do..most people tell me to leave..but I just dont know how..he says it isnt the pot that makes him like this that he is just tired..but he retired about three weeks ago with a bit of money and he has been like this for about four years so he cant use being tired from work as an excuse!! I am so sad and lonely and upset and confused as well...

Can you email me back and maybe we can figure somethings out ?? it always helps to talk to someone else...

Thanks..and I hope things get better for you soon...but I think if we want things to get better we cant count on others..and I totally do that..but I think we have to make the changes ourselves..not the ones that are making us unhappy?

Shauna
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Shauna,

Sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds to me that he is just a loser. You should not sacrifice your happiness for his inability to become more motivated or to just be more responsible. I have been smoking pot for 15 years and all I could say is that for some people it just makes them more of who they really are. I have an awesome relationship and smoking pot has never dampened my ability to make love or to be spontaneous with my Girlfriend. Note that many men do have egos. Maybe he is the problem and not the pot. Definitely leave and stop wasting your time with this guy. Good chance that no matter who you date these days, that person may be a pot smoker as well. That does not mean that pot is the problem. Find yourself a good man before it's to late.

Wish you luck,

Charles M.
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It is really hard to tell what is behind this whole story. My good friend was taking a pot all the time, every day. First, when I asked him why is he doing that, he told me that he sees some connection between marijuana and sex, that this is some kind of stimulant for him and that after taking a pot he is feeling much better and he has more confidence at himself. He also told me that his girlfriend was cheating on him and that he lost his confidence and he told me that this was his solution. I don't see how I think that this is not a solution. Maybe I am a coward, but I am scared that I will get used to using marijuana and that I won't be able to do anything without it. 

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I googled this to see my wifes perspecyive after I googled "nagging complaining wife.

Your husband sounds like me.

I am 34, wife is 34, daughter is 4. 

I smoke every day pretty much all day and play games.

I masterbate to porn all day too.

The difference is I do want to have sex but it is her who never initiates.

I caught her cheating 2 years ago, maybe I never got over it.

I make more money than her but I don't work.

I feed her money all day long, she complains I dont do enough to help.

I love my daughter, she doesn't know weed.

I have severe anxiety, probably caused by the fact that all I wanna do is smoke all day.

I'm a nice guy, I'm real polite. I show her love, she doesn't so much.

I don't actually feel anything but people thing I do.

Good luck if you're still with you're man.

D
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Yikes. That last guy sounds like an id**t and a douche bag. I think your wife should leave you dude, you're a penis.
On the original comment, I smoke pot quite alot. Not every day, but pretty often. It just doesnt fit in with my lifestyle all the time. Thats really the problem I think in these cases. Its lifestyle. If your day is based around sitting on the couch and sleeping, might as well smoke pot too. Seems like these guys are severely depressed and pot may be a way of self medicating. Being a partner in a relationship with a very depressed and unmotivated person can be tough, but I dont think pot is the problem so much as a coping mechanism to a deeper problem. 
A person with a blunted affect or lack of emotional responses is common with depression. 

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I think that he has a problem within himself but uses the marijuana as a getaway. He has no motivation because he has either failed at reaching a goal or a dream and now sees himself as a failure. He has nothing to look forward to during his day, so all he can do is smoke weed and play videogames because there is nothing else to do that is "fun". He has no responsibilities and sees you as someone to lean on to for everything, and from what you wrote you do EVERYTHING! This is not fair to you and it cant go on any longer... A non healthy relationship must be stopped right away. Now, it is your choice to try to put your foot down and help him get his life back together or, you can just get up and leave. you have tried in the past to help him and explain to him by being calm and it hasn't worked because you didn't put your foot down and put a stop to supporting his bad habits. Once he realizes that he has responsibilities and you are not going to be there for real, the if he really loves you can cares for you then he will change, at least one step at a time. 
I hope this has been helpful, if you need any other suggestions let me know.
Best Luck
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Your husband is probably an addict.  You didn't make him an addict.  You can't control his addiction.  You don't have the cure for his addiction.

What you can control is you.  There are meetings like crazy (some online) that will help you feel hope and understanding again.  What you are feeling is normal.  What he is doing is not normal....its the life of an addict.  And addiction is addiction, whether it is to buying baseball cards or marijuana or sex or alcohol or workaholics).  It's all addiction.  It doesn't matter which addiction, the affect on YOU and on YOUR FAMILY is the same....

Its easy for people to judge and say that you are married to a loser and leave him, et c etc.  It's not always that simple.  I know, I lived thru it too.  Your instincts are correct, it's not right.  You aren't the one with the problem:  he is.  His lifestyle and it's is causing an imbalance.

Get therapy for YOU.  Get online, join a support group.  I would recommend one for co-dependants or one for friends and family of narcotics anonymous.  The online support is JUST as effective as meetings...of course, meetings are a little more powerful.  You can get whatever you need from a support group. NO ONE has to know you did it.  He isn't doing or saying anything original. You can simply read what others have posted.  you'll see a lot of yourself in these folks.   

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/

Try it. If you don't like it you don't have to stay. They don't ask for donations, they don't ask for anything. You don't even have to use your real name.

I am wondering if your husband doesn't have a psychiatric issue as well.  but again, his problem.  He got himself into where he is.  Nothing is going to change until he is ready to have it change.  He has to want it for him.  Otherwise anything he does won't be authentic and it won't stick.

You need to love yourself.  You need to get better. You need to heal.  If those things happen, then you will have a clearer idea of what you want to do.  You'll feel more in control of yourself.  You can get better with or without your husband.  In a perfect world, you'd be doing this together, but you know....who is perfect anyway?  Do it for yourself, for your kids...for you. 

It can get better.  It doesn't have to stay this way.

YOU ARE WORTH IT! 

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wow for a second there I thought I was reading my life story. My husband also works at a pizza place now and since weve been together he has came accross good promising jibs yet he doesnt keep them because the work load is too much for his pot smking self. He smokes at least 10 to 15 times a day that includes when he is working. He doesnt play video games anymore yet he sits infront of that TV more time than on me.He also doesnt work much and most of his check goes to his habit it pisses me off knowing that I'm the only one trying. When we met as teens we both smoked I quit a year before we moved in together its been 5 years and he still sticks to his habit there is nothing you can do to make him stop I've learned that the hard way. Being a pot head myself back then there was nothing no one could do to make me stop that is untill i realized that it was taking up too much of my time from doiing things that realy matter. Once a week i try to squeeze in a stop smoking so much lecture and as time has gone by he has changed a bit here and there my only advise is leave him now if you know you cant live like this anymore or stay and be patient hopeing that someday he will snap ut of it. Good luck!
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Wow you are describing  my life for 5 years up to 5 months ago when my long term boyfriend dumped me when i told him I wanted to live and couldn't follow him down the road he is going any longer. He said he would rather leave me that pot. He is a heavy pot user and does not work more than an hour a day at most.  No ambition, no motivation, masturbates all day instead of having sex, plays computer games or watches TV all the time, ignored me, had weird sleeping habits, lived off my earnings and did not appreciate anything I contributed etc.  I blamed myself and thought I just wasn't good enough for him to pay me any attention because I carry a bit more weight than I want. My low self-esteem was keeping me there even though it was unhealthy and I was unhappy. The reason I didn't leave before was because there were moment when he was so loving, caring and attentive it is just that over time those moment got less and less. I was devastated when he left to go and live with his Mom again.  Now after 5 months the fog is clearing and I realize that i am so much better off.  Even though I am alone I am starting to feel happy again.  I am starting to do fun things for myself and my kids that we never did before because he didn't want to or because I wasn't in the mood since I was always angry at him.  I was such an angry person living in that situation and I didn't know how much until I got out of it. I have started to change my lifestyle.  I have lost weight and am feeling so much more confident and positive about myself and my life.  I know how hard it is to walk away but maybe it might be the only choice if he really isn't interested in changing.  Good Luck I really hope it works out for you whatever you decide.

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I want woman like u:)) keep strong and find better person..
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I think we live with the same person! Its been 14 years of ups and downs, fights, withdrawals,the phrase"Im going to quit smoking pot",lies. They will tell you every thing you want to hear to keep you from leaving.....Nothing is more important to them then the pot. They dont care. So just let me, let you an know now... that if you want, money in the bank(savings), taking vacations( only camping, so he can smoke his pot outside),having only his friends(because they smoke pot and yours dont) living in one part of the house by yourself(because he would rather be in the garage smoking pot) being lied to everyday(even about things that he doesnt need to lie about) because he forgot about his last lie! Just forget about sex(you will need to find a lover on the side to take care of your needs), you will also need to find a therapy group, ( because he does want to talk about you and him anymore!) Oh dont let me forget to to you about the clogging of the drains and the little tar spots left on the sinks from the washing of the Bong water.(the smell, is to die for! I think you get my point.... Its up to you! I knew my husband before he smoked pot, he was different. Please get out and find your true soul mate! They will not change for anyone! You will always be a room mate or just a friend.

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Hi Shauna,

I too know what your talking about. I swear pot and a guy being mean go hand in hand. I have been with my husband for 9 years. I have asked my husband to quit many times, he just gets very mean to me, says mean things, tears me down. He won't take any blame for anything he does. He will sit there and watch me cry after he's mean to me and be even meaner til i leave the room. Then blames me. Even if I threaten to leave him he says he doesn't care, or do what I gotta do. I do everything for him including clean the house, cook, make his work lunches, totally raise his daughter by myself. no shes not my child, she's his from his last realationship. Then if i ask him to quit smoking pot he attacks me saying im trying to change him, or i'm trying to control him or can't he have anything from before he met me. I try to tell him, when he smokes pot he's mean to me and he says it has nothing to do with the pot, that he's mean to me because i have an attitude, or im defensive. No sh*t sherlock. But I get blamed for that too. My God when are us woman gonna get tough and leave these assholes. They don't deserve us. I am never mean to him or bring him down, I treat him like Gold, doing all I can to make him happy and im at the bottom of his list. Our sex life sucks and He doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. F#@% this. Im out. Im heading on the devorce train to heaven. Any ladies wanna join me. Dont take this sh*t. they will never change. take it from me...........good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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dude iyts fine. sleep on the couch with him. accomodatdw . get a bigger couch duh

 

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From all the years I've been with my pot smoking husband and all the posts I've seen throughout the internet, this problem is growing. All you women out there with all the same complaints. (no motivation, no sex life, lies, wont talk, loss of job, video games,isolation) the smoking of pot, I think, just slowly drains a person. Alot of you think that, you are the problem. Your not! The pot smoking person you live with blames the world and you for all the down falls in their life. They will try to divert the subjects back to you to make you feel bad about yourself so you stay below them, its a control tactic. I myself, have been in counseling about a year because I believed him. I guess you can say I've(like my counselor does) being deprogrammed. She has told me she has seen a rise of this situation in marriages lately. More since its been legalized in calif. Building up your self esteem is the first and best defense. You are dealing with something that is abnormal. You are dealing with a drug not a person any more. Be the person you are and dont let him drag you down into the hole that he cant climb out of. thats it for now......
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