I have been dating this guy for 8 months now. We moved in together about a month ago, and I have to say I knew from pretty much the first moment that this man was the man I wanted to spend my life with.
When we first got together, things were great, yes we had our share of disagreements, but nothing out of the ordinary. He was the most caring, loving, sweeties man you would ever want to meet, and always seemed to go out of his way to let me know how much he loved me and how beautiful he thought I was.
I knew going in to this relationship that he suffered from depression, and being someone that has dealt with an eating disorder and depression myself, I cast no judgement and knew I would always be here for him unconditionally.
However, in the last 3 weeks things have changed dramatically. He has since become a hot mess. He is so full of anger, what seems to be resentment, and just lost all motivation for just about everything. I know he is going through some hard times (his mom is sick) and I want to be able to be there for him.
What I don't understand, is how this man whom I fell in love with can become so cruel and uncaring. He says things to me now that just are so hurtful and mean, and no matter what I do or say he is very critical, and very quick to point out my flaws. He is so angry at the world, that he actually scares the hell out of me. It seems he is always ready to pick a fight with someone, either because of the way they drive or something they say (yes he does this with me also) he also is slipping up at work, I mean this man use to put in at least 30 hours overtime every week, and take such pride in his job, and now he does nothing but complain about it, work the bare minimum hours (which isn't so bad) or just call in. He is a fountain of negativity, and I am finding it harder and harder to be supportive. I am trying my hardest to just be here for him if he wants to talk, but he doesn't talk, and he is pushing me farther and farther away. He has taken what self confidence I had in myself and crumbled it all to heck. He shows no interest in how I feel, or my wants and needs any longer, and sex......please that is pretty much a non-exsistant thing.
I might add that he seems to be drinking a lot more these days, and while he gave his word that he wouldn't smoke pot any longer, (I am very against any type of drug) has gone back to smoking, with a look on his face like go ahead, say something so I can bite your flippen head off.
I know this is not the real him, and that this is the depression, but when do you say enough is enough.
I have stopped voicing my opinion to him, and pretty much stopped talking to him about anything important, or anything that I feel will flare him up. I feel like I am walking on egg shells around him. Is it being selfish to want to have him treat me like I am important? Like my feelings matter? How do I get him to realize that drinking and smoking is like putting a band aid over his depression and only making it worse? How do I get him to stop treating me like garbage, without getting him going?
He says he knows he needs to see someone, and I have even given him numbers to some doctors, but he always seems to have some kind of excuse as to why he hasn't made the appointment yet.
I can't remember the last time I have felt so alone, I don't really have anyone to talk to, and I don't know how to handle this anymore. I am mad, frustrated, and hurt all at once, but I don't want to give up on him. after all I know what a wonderful person he really is.
Can someone, please tell me how to cope with this, and how to keep from falling into depression myself. My heart is breaking for him, but it is also breaking over the things he has said and is doing. Can you ever truly get past what someone has said to you when they are in a state of depression?
PLEASE.....ADVICE ANYONE.....I'M DESPERATE HERE!
At first everything was nice and perfect, we seemed to be really different from other guys I've met before. But honestly, if I knew what I was getting myself into, I wouldn't even had bother to meet him. Since I know what hes gone through, Im always there for him to support him and listen to him, try to find solutions or help him in any way that I can. But that's impossible!!! Hes always in a bad mood, even because of little things. Like for example, today he said "babe?" while we talked on the phone, I said "yeah?" and because i took like 3 seconds to answer, to say that and even he said it was like 3 seconds, he got mad at me and hung up. So he makes a big deal out of small things, always in a bad mood, angry at everything and everyone. He thinks everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in this world is stupid for things that to me are really nothing. He sees them as the end of the world. Hes always frustrated and saying hes got no good luck and that everyone is his enemy. You are either on his side or his enemy. He gets so angry over things and says horrible and mean things to me that really hurt me which he will regret once he cools down. He tends to binge when he is like this, trying to find comfort and satisfaction in food, but then he gets more angry when he realizes that by doing that hes not doing any good to himself. He has really low self esteem. Ive never known anyone like him. Even with the classes ive taken of psychology, I cant find a way to help him. Nothing works. I try to give him advice, ask whats wrong with him but he doesnt say anything, he doesnt talk. Hes made this big wall that practically impossible to take down, i ask and hes like "i dont know" or "i wont say", or most of the time he fights because he says im not asking the right questions as if I was in his head to know whats going on there or what he specifically wants me to ask. I have to ask and ask over and over the same thing, go around trying to find a way in, until finally if im lucky he gives me a bit of info. But until that happens, i have to endure the harsh comments he makes towards me. I really want to help him because I love him, but honestly Im tired, Im exhausted. Im sacrificing myself too much in order to help him and continue with this relationship. Hes a good person but hes experiences in life have led him into becoming this person he is today who shows his good side very little and who is angry all the time. Ive stopped talking to my friends, socializing, even being with my family, going out with them, Ive stopped enjoying simple things like going to a movie because he cant, or to the beach because he has body issues and if i go then he gets mad at me, all this in order for us to be ok and for him to trust me even if its just a little bit. I have to give him a total background of everyone that gets near me, and a report of every little thing i do. We have trust issues and hes so paranoid. hes always looking out for whats going on in my life. I need my life back but I want to help him. I dont know what to do.
I'm going through somewhat of the same thing but I am coming to the conclusion that it's actually me being distant and not wanting to be so chummy with him. i've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now and all i want from him is my SPACE. Don't get me wrong i love him and there is no one else i'de rather spend my days with, but i feel like i need more of my personal social time. I wish he would do and try thing i like! Don't guess anything about him... just go off of what you know. Have a drink with him (not saying get drunk with him) but show him that his acting out against what you like isn't going to work. SHOW him that respecting you is better than trying to get a rise out of you. As girls we tend to over think and over complicate things but men are entirely SIMPLE. No matter how wonderful our guy is he will never be as deep as a girl (at least not on everything). As for the pot thing.... to each his own.... its much better than hard drugs so straying him from that may just lead to trouble. In my opinion it is something he will learn to grow out of but will not give up. Teach him that there is so much ahead of you and you want him smiling his way through it. Try a new hair style, buy something you know he'll love and take him out somewhere you know he will enjoy. Even one date could change his mind and make him open up. DO try to stay in a happy mood around him. DONT force anything out of him and DONT let his sadness overcome the relationship. SOMEONE HAS TO STAY STRONG at least stronger than the weakness. If you let the weakness overcome you will give up... Keep your head up and lift his.
best of luck,