I'm not sure if this belongs here o.O Anyway.. I'll try to explain as best I can. At around the age of 13, I started to not trust family, and hardly trust anyone else. I came to the point where I hated family. Why not? Everyone else in my family hated each other so much, why should I love people like that. I convinced myself love wasn't real. If family should love each other, why spread out over thousands of miles, and cross country borders. To sum it all up, I felt alone. That led to me to this weird group of guys. I thought they were cool, and a little creepy at the same time. They were always calm, even if their life was worse than mine. I never saw any one of them fight back tears, or even seem close to depression, anger, or happiness. I sort of looked up to them, which was a very rare thing. For me to admire someone, it takes a lot. Since they got that close, I sort of made a vow to myself that I would do all I can to keep them a part of my life.
To be one of them, I had to stop expressing so much emotion. To them, most emotions were not needed, and should be ignored, or blocked. It took a few months.. and a lot of physical pain, but after that.. it was very calming. I could see the world with an entirely different perspective. I learned more about people in 2 years than I had in all the time before. Problem was, I was overlooked even more.. but I was okay with that. I would just stay behind, observe, and remember how different people react to certain things. I guess it was a good thing, I ended up becoming much wiser, and learned how to catch almost anyone in a lie.
Everything changed when one girl about a year and a half younger than me talked to me, and wouldn't go away. At first, I just thought it was interesting. So I hung out with her just to learn more about her. While I did, she wouldn't stop telling me to speak and smile. Furthermore, she got me to tell her about myself. I have no idea how she did it.. I just felt different. After that day, I tried to be a little more careful (This was at a summer camp, by the way) Until the last day, I purposely diverted her attention to someone else, and smiled so she would think I was happy. On the last day, however, she left all of her other friends, and walked with me while I was just going to walk alone, and think about things. She got really close to me (not physically, I mean I felt like it was okay to tell her my past) and for that whole day, we told each other about our lives. I felt something. After that, I started feeling something else. Stupidly, that last night we were sitting by the creek, I started to explain what I felt. For some odd reason, looking at the moon made me feel comfort.. or something like that. I sounded like a little kid, unable to find the right words. She just listened to me. No one had done that before. When I was done, she just told me it was serenity.
Even though it wasn't much, and I had only known her for a few days, she stayed on my mind. The emotions I felt made me miss them all. I felt alone. I wanted to feel happiness again, even if heartbreak would follow. I wanted to feel the emotions I had blocked out. But I had been like that for so long, I could only bring back a few. I don't know how to get them back. Talking to people has helped, but it's only about half way. Is there anything I can do to not be so cut off anymore? Or was that change I made a semi-permanent one?
I don't know if any of this makes sense, or even seems real, but it's the truth, and this is the best I can explain it.
Hi, please don't become the very thing you've despised within your own family. Coming from a hate filled home, it doesn't sound like there's been any role models as to how to interrelate with others in a positive, caring way. No wonder you find it hard to trust anybody or want to give anything of yourself emotionally.
Trying to find a way of coping, you've hooked up with a group of people who sound like they are struggling badly with their own issues. It wouldn't surprise me if there's stuff going on their lives that is even worse than what they've admitted to you. If you turn yourself into a numb, zombie then you're safe - right? Wrong, I'm afraid. I came from an unloving home & a sibling took the path you are on. Their life has been, by their own admission, intensely lonely & wretched. It is not a path to a good life.
We are inherently emotional beings. Connecting with others, however fleetingly, is one of the things that makes life worth living. To form a connection with someone, however, you must take a risk & give a little of yourself as well. Some people won't reciprocate or turn out to be worthy of your trust, some will. The girl you encountered is exactly the sort of person you need to, not only seek out but treasure - she was a real gem. You've had a positive encounter, now engage in the activities you enjoy doing, get out there & keep trying. I'd create some distance from those zombie friends as well, they don't hold the answer for you.