Please read through it all.
My name is Hazel and I am 15. I go to a private school which has realatily no bullying or stuff like that. We do have groups though, and I am in the weird nerdy group though I am pretty sure from the way I act I am the one who classifys the group as weird. I am really like the group comedian but what kate my friend said to me the other day put me off my life even more. My problems really start when I go to bed each night. Getting to sleep is hard for me, I don’t know why but it just is, I think about the day, think about the night, I think about my life and then think about my unlikely future. My life people would say if they judged me from my school actions is normal, happy and good but for me that’s just my outside look, inside I am lost, confused and somewhat as people call me jokely (I think) mental.
A year ago exactly it all started, i didn't feel like myself anymore. I felt weak and insignificant, life sucked and I started to cut myself in the moments I felt really down. The cuts were only shallow and quick but it made me feel better. I told kate at the time who noticed my change of personality and the scars on my arm. Well i didnt have a choice really i felt so pathetic i actually felt relieved to tell someoe even if i ended up in tears. After a couple of months I started feeling really down and started to have suicidal thoughts. I told kate who had become like a therapist to me over the months and she proposed that I told someone who could really help me so for two weeks I started to write a letter. It explained my problem but I didn't add in my suicide thoughts. I sent it to a teacher (who I shall abrieviate her name to MD) who we both looked up to and she spoke to me, called my mum (which I hadn't wanted because I didn't want to worry her), which led to going to the doctors and then to a proper therapist. I only went once and in that one time I felt like a giant poster saying take all my information. In other words I hated it. I stopped cutting though after that even though I felt the same.
Now, a year later I have been feeling extra down and have started cutting again. I have resulted to letting every hurtful thing someone said or made me feel come out of me through blood and pain. I cut my arms but mostly on my stomach where I can really hide it. I sometimes joke with my friends calling it uninvited flab but inside I feel the pain in the joke which makes everyone laugh at. I wear jumpers a lot now to cover my arms after nights of deep cutting which can be annoying on many occasions because of the heat, but I am getting well at ignoring the fact. A week ago i felt the same suicidal urge hit me during school break. I felt completly overwhelmed and burst out crying. When people asked i said it was nothing but Kate who had stuck with me through those months so long ago knew and reported me to MD. I had a long chat with her and again it resulted in the one thing I dreaded, she called my mum. When I came home that day I pretended like it was nothing at all, just a misunderstanding and that mum shouldn't worry. But what my dad said really brought my emotions down a few notches. From that day I have been feeling the pressure of school badly and my cutting has become deeper and longer, I have stopped eating at school and feel real down. I have started blocking my family and friends out, unintentionally and I cut more each night hoping that my life might end tomorrow. Maybe I will fall off the third level at school, maybe I will take those stored pills, maybe...
Well this was the hardest thing I have ever written and even now I don't know whether I am doing the right thing for me. I must insist though that any anwser please dont say go to a doctor or my parents becuase it doesnt work i have tried it!
My question is though: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME AND HOW DO I STOP IT?
Well here goes nothing! I have read over this like sixty times! Pondering over wether to submit or not. 3... 2... 1...