Hello My name is sam and I've just turned 15 today, Well It started about a year ago where I kept worrying about testicular cancer because one of testicular veins were swollen, I had it checked out a dozen times and all is ok. Well about a month ago I keep worrying about different dieseases, worrying that my teeth and hair were going to fall out, it was like I was trying to find an illness. It's now moved onto me trying to find something seriously bad that I have done, worthey of me going to hell, I'm not a religous person however I keep praying to god saying how sorry I am, I cry really hard begging for forgiveness, sometimes I could be happy one minute then I can just burst out crying. It takes me a couple of days to get over something, then when i've finally stopped worrying about one thing, another problem instantly pops into my mind, I analyze every single detail which could make me bad. I'm constantly depressed and have a really weird nervous feeling in my stomach, all the time. My eating is sort of cutting down too however i'm not to worried about that.
An example of this is where i think i'm going to hell because I think I was abit racist at one point -Please take no offence because i have nothing against black people now, and this happened some time ago- Some of my family is pretty Racist and never really was affected by it however I watched a film called "American History X" a couple of times, i was about 13 at the time (I know i shouldn't of watch'd it) After the film for some reason I think i disliked black people, well I think I did but im not quite sure. ( for some reason I wanted his tattoo, which now makes me feel stupid) Ive looked up and said some racist jokes at school which i will never say again, one of my friends think I'm racist but i'm really am not now. I'm not quite sure if it's due to the atmosphere at my dads house but i feel it definatly has something to do with it. I now feel so ashamed, sick and disgusted as I cant belive I felt that way, It dosn't help with my dad saying racist stuff all the time. I now dislike it when people say racist jokes and I have nothing against black people now. I even cry'd at my birthday meal today in a restraunt and kept apoligising to god in the toilets because i felt like i was going to hell.
This is the most recent problem followed by many more, It's like each problem gets bigger and bigger, ruling out the previous one, I feel like i'm going crazy, I cant stop thinking that i'm going to hell My parents are fed up of hearing my problems and for some reason i feel like I cant trust any of there advice. I feel really selfish as I am emotinally wrecking my parents lives aswell as my own. I'm going to a counciler in a couple of weeks which i think is a brilliant idea. Please could I have some advice because I want to give my parents and myself a break from this, i'm sick of worrying and I want it to stop, what is wrong with me?
An example of this is where i think i'm going to hell because I think I was abit racist at one point -Please take no offence because i have nothing against black people now, and this happened some time ago- Some of my family is pretty Racist and never really was affected by it however I watched a film called "American History X" a couple of times, i was about 13 at the time (I know i shouldn't of watch'd it) After the film for some reason I think i disliked black people, well I think I did but im not quite sure. ( for some reason I wanted his tattoo, which now makes me feel stupid) Ive looked up and said some racist jokes at school which i will never say again, one of my friends think I'm racist but i'm really am not now. I'm not quite sure if it's due to the atmosphere at my dads house but i feel it definatly has something to do with it. I now feel so ashamed, sick and disgusted as I cant belive I felt that way, It dosn't help with my dad saying racist stuff all the time. I now dislike it when people say racist jokes and I have nothing against black people now. I even cry'd at my birthday meal today in a restraunt and kept apoligising to god in the toilets because i felt like i was going to hell.
This is the most recent problem followed by many more, It's like each problem gets bigger and bigger, ruling out the previous one, I feel like i'm going crazy, I cant stop thinking that i'm going to hell My parents are fed up of hearing my problems and for some reason i feel like I cant trust any of there advice. I feel really selfish as I am emotinally wrecking my parents lives aswell as my own. I'm going to a counciler in a couple of weeks which i think is a brilliant idea. Please could I have some advice because I want to give my parents and myself a break from this, i'm sick of worrying and I want it to stop, what is wrong with me?
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