I sit here to tell you that I am addicted to: meth, cocaine, crack, weed, oxycodone, vicodin, and nitrates. And yes, I crush the oxycodone and vicodin to sniff alone with the cocaine, convert the cocaine to crack and smoke that along with the weed and sniff the nitrates to sustain a high, just so I can enjoy the day, ograsms, ignore the pain in my back and hip while having sex and don't forget the buzz. I go through about 2 grams of cocaine in a week along with about 15 to 20 grams of weed. Just 2 weeks ago I went through 2 slams, about 40 hits on the pipe and about 5 lines of meth in less than 2 days. It was a horrible withdrawal which of course the cocaine, weed and oxycodone combinations have help me to over come. During the midst of this I have since come down with larongitis and pneumonia which I am on antibiotics for. I expect that someday that this combination will no doubt kill me. I've been using the stronger narcotics for a couple years now. In most ways I don't care as long as I don't kill someone else, but I know it will hurt the family and friends, I've been told in the past that I have had a personality disorder and bipolar (manic depressive) and have had some serious boughts of depression with a lot more mania over the past 6 years. Although it seems to have been turning more to depression as I have been battling with sexual repression, bisexual adventures, even trading sex on video for the drugs.
I really almost want to delete this than poor myself out on some web page for the world to see. As I sit here sick watching all this reality tv c**p and crazy messed up celebs like courtney love, then battle with christian and god values that I was raised on which I had turned my back on for the past 17 years. I feel nothing at most times and then everything all at once, alive but walking around dead in a shell.
God I think I'm just going to shove some more of this white beautiful stuff up my nose so I can get through the rest of the night till I fall asleep again and try to make it through tomorrow.
Jesus everyone, just ignore what I've typed, I am such a babling bafoon anyways. I am not looking for sympathy but trying to understand myself and my own being in this fudged up world.
I really almost want to delete this than poor myself out on some web page for the world to see. As I sit here sick watching all this reality tv c**p and crazy messed up celebs like courtney love, then battle with christian and god values that I was raised on which I had turned my back on for the past 17 years. I feel nothing at most times and then everything all at once, alive but walking around dead in a shell.
God I think I'm just going to shove some more of this white beautiful stuff up my nose so I can get through the rest of the night till I fall asleep again and try to make it through tomorrow.
Jesus everyone, just ignore what I've typed, I am such a babling bafoon anyways. I am not looking for sympathy but trying to understand myself and my own being in this fudged up world.
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JoJo - I was doing some research when I came across your post.
I usually just read and never post but your post really hit a nerve in me. What kind of drugs you do or how much is irrevalant - you are an addict, plain and simple. I went through years of trading one addiction for another but was rarely w/o at least one. You have to get some help. Do you have any family that you can talk to about this?
You are right about one thing - it is a deadly path and you have to get off of it! I am not judging you -not from my glass house! In my case after years in recovery I discovered that I had to be high, or do stupid things because I could not face life. I could not deal with reality. I married young to the love of my life, we both had addiction issues and we both had horrible childhoods - and at one point when I got better I could not tolerate his drug use and we seperated. We had a three year old son at the time. Four months after I left him he commited suicide - on our fifth wedding anniversary. I could not function as a human being for a long time after that, let alone as a mother. I did massive amounts of drugs, anything I could get my hands on and had lots of sex - and did a lot of other dumb things - it was as if I was daring God to take me too. This happened in 1986 - I wasted about a decade of my life but thank god became sober again and have been for 14 years. I had my son to take care of - I had to do it for him and in so doing realized I really did want to live too. I blamed myself for so long but you know what - no one or nothing could take me away from my son and as much as I loved my husband - he was repsponsible for himself, not me. Hell - what he did was taking the easy way out - living - thats the challenge. You just gotta keep on going - get up every day and commit to spending just 10-20 minutes of your day to start out - talking with someone. These days you dont have to leave the house - talk on-line or on the phone to a counseler - or go to AA or NA - learn how to meditate - slow down - take a few moments alone and ask yourself why you are doing this to yourself - only you know the answer. Are you punishing yourself for someone elses actions? Please get help- there is so much out there these days. I would be happy to help in any way I can, if you need someone to talk to, but please talk to someone. I will be praying for you.
Please let me know how u r doing. I know it sounds corny but life really is worth living and you are loved and I am sure that you could have a joy filled life ahead of you, it is just going to take some work on your part. The first half of your life may have sucked but you are responsible for your own destiny now. I have a feeling that you have been hurt in some way by some one you care about - if you waste your life away then he/she wins. Don't let them!
I usually just read and never post but your post really hit a nerve in me. What kind of drugs you do or how much is irrevalant - you are an addict, plain and simple. I went through years of trading one addiction for another but was rarely w/o at least one. You have to get some help. Do you have any family that you can talk to about this?
You are right about one thing - it is a deadly path and you have to get off of it! I am not judging you -not from my glass house! In my case after years in recovery I discovered that I had to be high, or do stupid things because I could not face life. I could not deal with reality. I married young to the love of my life, we both had addiction issues and we both had horrible childhoods - and at one point when I got better I could not tolerate his drug use and we seperated. We had a three year old son at the time. Four months after I left him he commited suicide - on our fifth wedding anniversary. I could not function as a human being for a long time after that, let alone as a mother. I did massive amounts of drugs, anything I could get my hands on and had lots of sex - and did a lot of other dumb things - it was as if I was daring God to take me too. This happened in 1986 - I wasted about a decade of my life but thank god became sober again and have been for 14 years. I had my son to take care of - I had to do it for him and in so doing realized I really did want to live too. I blamed myself for so long but you know what - no one or nothing could take me away from my son and as much as I loved my husband - he was repsponsible for himself, not me. Hell - what he did was taking the easy way out - living - thats the challenge. You just gotta keep on going - get up every day and commit to spending just 10-20 minutes of your day to start out - talking with someone. These days you dont have to leave the house - talk on-line or on the phone to a counseler - or go to AA or NA - learn how to meditate - slow down - take a few moments alone and ask yourself why you are doing this to yourself - only you know the answer. Are you punishing yourself for someone elses actions? Please get help- there is so much out there these days. I would be happy to help in any way I can, if you need someone to talk to, but please talk to someone. I will be praying for you.
Please let me know how u r doing. I know it sounds corny but life really is worth living and you are loved and I am sure that you could have a joy filled life ahead of you, it is just going to take some work on your part. The first half of your life may have sucked but you are responsible for your own destiny now. I have a feeling that you have been hurt in some way by some one you care about - if you waste your life away then he/she wins. Don't let them!
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