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Hi friends,
If you have been following my divorce, you know exactly what i'm talking about, so i am looking for your advice/opinion/ something that will "yay" or "nay" what i am about to do.

As mentioned, my husband owns his own business, 30 years, we have been married for 10. Now, i don't have a ton of money to fight him and he has retained an attorney for himself. I tried to retain one in hopes that my husband would have to pay for my counsel, which he refused to do. My atttorney will not proceed any farther unless i come up with some money, which i am not in any position to do so at this time. My husband has the house and majority of it's contents and just recently took his truck back from our daughter (his step) in the meantime, he has put one of his women up in her own place and is paying for her cell phone, the second women he is messin with is half his age and she is at the house a lot, they have been doin their thing since March and witnesses have seen him give her cash, several times. So here i sit with nothing and he does what he wants with who he wants and i can't do a thing about it........maybe i can :-S

Because i was privy to everything that went on in the business, i am aware of a lot of "salty" details. From Insurance Fraud to Unemployment Fraud, to possible several OSHA violations, there are also a few other pieces of information that i am aware of. Now, the longer i have to go without any satisfaction and the longer he gloats and talks about me to everyone he comes in contact with, the more i want to "blow the whistle" if you will.
He said he would shoot me a few bucks if i stopped by the house and gave him a bj, then he said the only way to do this is to, get me down, stick the knife in and twist it, i am furious, hurt, confused, and totally out of gas.

So here is my plight. I want to make him as uncomfortable as i can and by unleashing what i know to the proper authorities, i could make his life a living hell, just like he is doing to me. I am not a vindictive person and i feel bad that i am thinking this but, it's not personnel, it's business, i guess it dpends on how one looks at that. I need to do what it takes to make him squirm a little. He is always so confident and always puffed up and looks down his nose to everything. I have had it and this is my only ammunition.

WHAT DO YOU THINK???

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How much of the "salty" can you prove? Do you have any documentation? Is it bad enough stuff that authorities would be interested in taking the time and investigative efforts to uncover it? Would you be incriminating yourself since you were working there at the time and didn't report it then?

Based on what I read is going on, it seems like the gloves are off and you might have to do what you have to do. The most important aspect is to keep your actions within the context of what YOU can live with the rest of your life, even once your life has turned around and you are in a new and happy situation. The problem about wrestling with a pig is that you both end up covered in sh*t but the pig likes it.
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User avatar
Health Ace
6880 posts
My opinion of the attorney/client relationship is that it sucks. No matter what you think you need one for. The attorney doesn't give a sh*t whether you get what you want, or deserve. All he/she cares about is how much money he/she is going to make. He works by the hour. He'll work as many hours as you're willing to pay for and could give a sh*t less if you have a satisfactory resolution, or any resolution.

Do you HAVE to have an attorney file the papers in your local court?

Can you do some research yourself about what you can claim of the assets acumulated while you were together. You probably don't have any claims on what he already owned before you were married. That's a matter of state laws where you are. You can usually research state laws on line at the state website.

As far as whistle blowing, Be careful about what you do, before you get a settlement. If the government agency invloved lays a claim to his assets for what he did it will most surely take precedence over any claim you might have. In other words anything you do that would cost him money or make him liable to an agency for damages, diminishes your claim to those same assets.

About getting yourself in trouble too, I can only tell you my experience with that. I was on the board of directors of a local corporation for twenty plus years. We fired a manager who turned around and ratted us out to the EPA for a wetlands violation that he created. All the while he worked for us we trusted him to be doing the right thing and we had no idea he had filled in several acres of wetland illegally. He was keeping us informed about the permits he was getting and we thought everything was proper. They hold us at fault and he is in no way being blamed for the wetlands incursion he created. It has cost us about half a million dollars so far and there is no legal grounds for us being able to go after him for any of it.

So I would expect you would be clear as long as you were not a legal partner in his business.
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I agree about being careful of what "privy" info. that you have to reveal to the authorities. As long as you were not involved in the illegal acts, then I say "go for it" and drop the bomb on him. You being his wife and the closest one to his business, you definitely are in the perfect position to bust him. You can always report the info on him anonymously unless you plan on testifying against him in court, if it gets that far where you have to act on behalf of the authorities to prove his wrong doing.

As for your problem with retaining an attorney, have you looked into getting help through the "legal aid dept." ? I don't know what state you live in, but in most states you can use this legal aid to apply for an attorney to represent you for free based on your low income status. I obtained a legal aid attorney for my divorce and custody battle and it was completely free. If that's not available where you live, you could look into obtaining an attorney that does "pro-bono" cases for situations like yours.

He definitely sounds like he's being a real prick towards you and your daughter. Of course he thinks he has the upper hand and does need to be knocked down a few pegs! He's doing the "girfriend" thing and spending money on them just to get to you and make you more angry. Typical behavior of an egotistical pig that knows he's doing wrong. :-S

When it comes to the house and other assets, you are entitled to one half of everything that you both obtained during the length of your marriage, wether he likes it or not. When you said that he has the house, did you move out and tell him he could have it? What was the circumstances surrounding that issue, like, is there still a mortgage on the home and is it titled to both of you on the deed? That has alot to do with what you are entitled to in the divorce.

Whatever you decide to do, my advice would be, DON'T let him get away without you receiving what you are owed and entitled to. It's easier to just take the easy way out and just cut him loose and let him have everything, but where is that fair to you? He has hurt you enough already, don't let him take advantage of you anymore. >:(

Hope things get better for you no matter what decision you make. Good luck! ;-)
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I know that you're hurt and that you probably want to lash out at him and he deserves every last bad thing that comes to him. But there is no satisfaction in treating people badly, not when you're a good person like you obviously are. If you do anything to him, you'll be stooping to his level. Trust me, you are better off just letting things be. He'll get his if he's meant to. And you'll be happier not obsessing about it.

Think of it this way: what if you ruined his business and his life but he didn't react with hurt and shock and anger like you'd want him to? You'd be really disappointed, right? That means that your emotional state depends on his, and that's unhealthy. You need to extract yourself from this situation. WHich you're doing, slowly but surely. Much love to you.
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hmmmph, damn it %-) I got the "good angel" "bad angel" thing goin on. I am a good person and i try to be all the time, but i am pissed and betrayed and who is he to be able to get away with my life?

I made an appointment with a therapist, i see him Friday.
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User avatar
Health Ace
6880 posts
bb, I'm happy to hear you're going to do that. A little professional guidance can be very helpful.

I agree with HnFguy. We all feel like that when someone screws us and you need to go with that feeling for a while because it's normal. Then you need to let it go. That's the hard part and it often takes outside help to be able to wrap your head around it.

Fighting for what you deserve is good. Fighting to hurt someone for revenge is a waste of your time, your energy, and your resources. The best revenge you can get is not letting him see he's hurting you. It's even better when you can get your own mind to not feel hurt by his actions. That will be the therapist's job, I betcha.

Let's take the last part of what HnFguy wrote and substitute names. What if he ruined your life but you didn't react with hurt and shock and anger like he wanted you to? I think you see what I mean.

So put your energy into making life work for you and your daughter and the H*** with him. You have something a lot of people don't. You have a wonderful daughter by your side and you have us
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bbfeet9 wrote:

hmmmph, damn it :? I got the "good angel" "bad angel" thing goin on. I am a good person and i try to be all the time, but i am pissed and betrayed and who is he to be able to get away with my life?

I made an appointment with a therapist, i see him Friday.



I think the therapist will help you with the anger that you're feeling quite a bit. It's sort of a grieving process really. First denial, then anger, then bargaining then...whatever the fourth step is. Then acceptance! And I know you will. And we'll be here rooting for you :)
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Thanks all, we'll see what is said of Friday. I never thought i needed this kind of thing and i was always real good at suggesting it to others, but now it doesn't sound like a bad idea for myself. I'm startin to think it's me o.O and maybe it is, i am certainly not beneath letting a stranger point out my shortcomings.

So we will see. I appreciate you guys trying to change my mind, and i also appreciate the "castrate him" attitudes as well :-S I know it's wrong and i also know it would probably feel real good while i'm doin it, but in the months to come i would probably start to feeling guilty as all hell. This is why i am distanceing myself, i don't inquire about him, i don't call, i don't ride by the house, this way what i don't know won't piss me off. This is when i get vindictive when i see or learn of something that really sets my teeth on edge.
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I just remembered the posts about morality, where you found that money and had to go back to the store to give it to the employers even you know that they were going to keep it for them self.
I think if you did 'castrate him' or things like that o.O , you would definitely feel bad latter because you are a good person bbfeet.
I agree with njoynlife also, this is not a right way to spend your energy and resources.
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Yeah, I'm sure that him living his life will piss you off. But that's the best thing about your advice--your advice is so good, now it's time for you to follow a little yourself! I think that if everyone were honest with themselves, they'd all see a therapist once or twice. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're strong enough to admit you need a little help. And good for you :)
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