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Hi.. I am not sure if there is anyone who feels like the way I do.. I am totally distressed and broken and the cause of this is my guys over-zealous involvement into porn.. He is working in a software related job and is very internet savvy.. I met him about an year ago and we shared a lot of mutual interests and I liked him and thought he was perfect for me.. I thought he was a decent intelligent man.. Now we are in a live in relationship and plan to get married soon in another couple of months or so.. I knew about his pornography habits and personally, I found it outrageous and filthy!.. How can anyone spend time in looking at unknown nude people and deriving satisfaction of any kind!.. (with due respect to others who look at this differently..) I made him stop all such things and told him that I have a very strong aversion towards this habit of his.. He did stop it.. upto some extent I guess.. His mobile phone, his mailbox, his computer was and I guess still is full of such content.. I have developed a serious aversion towards him for this.. and I feel totally let down.. His interest in porn makes me feel that he is looking at other women perhaps because he feels i am not good enough for him..I feel totally let down and depressed.. Infact we've had many quarrels in regard to this as well.. just yesterday I came across his account at an adult site for casual sex and stuff.. (It was created in 1998 and not recently).. I checked out his profile and I was really hurt beyoned repair.. He has given his phone number and stuff and written in strong language that he is looking for any female.. (I feel if someone had offered him a female animal he would have gladly taken that too).. We had a quarrel again.. I wanted him to get rid of his account.. I have given this man too many chances.. I have made tremenderous compromises and sacrifices in my family and my profession for this man and I dont want to loose him over something so silly.. something I belive can be worked out.. But I am just not able to take his interest into porn lightly.. I really cant. I tried my best .. But I cannot adjust to that.. I have forgiven him too many times.. He lied to me about a 'friend' of his (he met her online) they actually had a short affair together.. He yelled at me because I asked this female not to ring his number at late hours in the night.. (We had just started going around those days).. He told me she was a 'friend'.. when I saw his old mails to her and realised it was not the picture that he had presented to me.. I was hurt but I forgave him and he broke off all contacts with her.. cause I really wanted this to work for us.. He gets wild at me even if I talk to any one of the opposite sex.. He doesn't want me to work or meet new people (any male).. He is terribly possessive.. But even after all this, at the end of the day when I close my eyes.. I know I dearly love this man.. After all the tears and everything.. I still feel he is good at heart and pray for him.. But his interest into porn is totally bereaking me apart.. Is there anything that I can do to stop this habit of his?.. What is the best thing for me to do.. I would greately appreciate if someone can help me.. If anyone out there has had or is having a similiar situation to face.. what is the best method to tackle this?.. Please help me.. :-(

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Dear White Rose,

I'm sorry to hear about your current situation..

I read your post in its entirety and I must tell you that I know the type of man you are dealing with quite well. He has all of the characteristics of a possessive and Jealous person, but even worse he has the side effects of that behavior "Cheating, deceiving, and of course insecurity". You seem to be a fairly balanced individual so DO NOT ALLOW HIM to drag you along with his behavior. I am going to sort out what I am referring to.

The porn issue: I am sorry to say this but, this man has little respect for you at this point. You have voiced your opinion about his obsessive porn addiction and yet he continues to do it? Does he do it in front of you? If so that is even worse. Unfortunately you have some fault in that. I would not tolerate such behavior and I'm sure most women wont either. I would suggest Therapy and if he doesn't realize he has a problem I'd suggest you pack up and leave! Yes, most man masturbate, view porn, movies, magazines etc.. "kind of normal" HOWEVER, excessive porn will lead me to be live he has a serious addiction to such "entertainment. Most importantly, if his behavior has put some stress to the relationship. Again, "HE HAS A MAJOR ISSUE' that must be treated with a Professional.

The Jealousy/Possessiveness part: Well, I am very interested in human behavior and have done my share or reading and investigating and "his behavior' is typical of a deceiving, lying, cheating, controlling individual. See if you read your own Email friend, you mentioned that he is Internet savvy, and that he spends a lot of time on PC's and whatnot. Well, let me tell you that I am one of those and I know what one can do in order to achieve freedom browsing, emailing etc without getting cought. However, you mentioned that you found a profile on an Adult site. If this is one of the sites I am thinking (AFF.com, plentyoffish.com, or marriedbutlooking.com and the such) he's out there sleeping around and YOU MUST STAY AWAY FROM HIM! Those websites are basically "Chat, exchange pics, liked me-Liked you, hang out, drinks then SEX' No-strings attached being that he's already in a r/ship. I am telling you all of this for you to KNOW WHAT GOES ON OUT THERE. I was the webmaster for one of those sites and you'd never know what goes on out there. So going back to the topic; Yes, there is a possibility that he may only want the attention that most insecure people require.. hence he'll have multiple profiles and on-line "friends", but you mentioned he had one of his "online-friends" call him at night. What for? Friends don't call a 'married or in a commited r/ship" friend really late at night, knowing that the evening is the time for HIM AND "his girl" YOU. Are you serious? That is the mother of all disrespects towards you or anyone. UNLESS, they were normal friends. You are the only that knows, oh you mentioned you found emails from him to her that triggered suspicion? Then what other proof do you need? I knew someone that did that while his wife slept, but this conversations were basically phone-sex or Cyber sex "hiding screens and the like" Be aware!.

The bottom line here is that his controlling/possessive behavior is "usually" not always a warning sign of deep insecurity issues that he must work on before he gets into any relationship. To make matters worse, HE CAN DO AS HE PLEASES BUT YOU DON'T'? That's another red flag of a jealous/possessive person. You CAN'T LIVE LIKE THAT! That isn't a relationship dear. A relationship should bring you calmness, happiness, love, and most importantly some sense of security. If your r/ship isn't' delivering those results right now. It is time to Re-Evaluate everything. Also, are you aware of your flaws? Are you a jealous person that sees things were there aren't? If your facts are valid then by all means act up on them.. but as usual there are two sides to a story! I sensed sincerity in your post, but if there is more to the story you be the judge!

Now, you have expressed your concerns and he just disregard them? NO! That is unacceptable. I'd suggest you to take some time apart, tell him about his behavior and how much damage his done to the r/ship. Your concerns but still LEAVE! He is a selfish person that needs to either get help or simply STAY ALONE TO DO AS HE PLEASES. If you need to talk further feel free to send me a private message to exchange emails. If not post here and I'll reply. I know how you feel.. and I'm sorry!

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

* "PEOPLE WILL GO AS FAR AS YOU ALLOW THEM TO GO"

* "No one can make you feel inferior without your conscent"

Best wishes,

WittyToo31
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This forum is for Weight Lifting and Fitness related questions. Perhaps you should be looking more into the sexual health side of the forums.

In short, porn is normal. We are all animals and we enjoy sexual stimulation. About 98& of guys masturbate - as do many women. You either look at porn or use your imagination. Either way is fine. It's not un-natural nor is it unhealthy.

If he is looking at it all day and doing nothing else, if it is leaving him too tired for sex etc etc etc then you have cause for concern, but looking at porn lots doesn't mean he fancies you any less. That's YOU with the problem (insecurity), not HIM with a problem.

If, however, he is looking to meet other women for sex, then that is another matter and I would say that if he doesn't change after you express your concerns, then tell him to hit the road. You obviously have insecurities, but you can definately do better than someone who cheats. We all deserve some respect.

Oh, by the way, if you go snooping in people's emails, texts etc then you're asking for trouble. Respect his privacy.
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