I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Hi, everytime I take this pill I get the trembles. Its nto helped that I keep forgetting to take it. i can take it in the morning, but then I go to worl or like today had an apointment ...I miss a dose. That doesnt help , and taking 2 at night time seems a lot especially as it makes me feel cold, drowsy and trembly, ( hence why i couldnt take it at work)

Anyway, have I listened and understood my solicitor correctly? just wondering if i shoud just take the risk and sign these papers as whne he ( the solicitor considered everything - he said really it want make a difference

Also had major panic at work. had to lock myself in lou and cry ...Just keep having to stop the tears. everytime i see a child and they seem so happy i just cry. Why am I like this?

Alsow worried about giong to see my doctor tomorrow...What am i going to say. yes been a naughty girl as usual- though not as naughty as normal.

Iam a messPartner and his dad have taken kids out. Its one of those nights when they have dinner and bla bla.Its a lovely day here to and I cant bring myself to do anything.

Do you think my feelings stem from what happened with my mum and dad and how badly I took it? Is that why I am so slow in moving out of such a bad situation? Or, is it because sometimes my partner is nice to me , like last night he showed some concern as I couldnt stop shaking. i am shaking now...Everytime I take one of those pills I shake. I dont like it as It goes on all night and it exhausting. Mind you stops me form drinking. But the thing is cant measure its effectiveness as its been a tough week. though must admit Ive had tougher weeks. hey i even dolled myself up today, but looking old.anyway, going to go...not seen many moths .Just 2 today...oh what a week! And Barbie got it. i dont like Barbie dolls and the person that invented them well...adolf was responsible for most of it. They are so bad. When I was little ...oh dear..dont know why I am putting this here maybe cause i want a laugh...but yeah I used to pull of their heads nad throw them down the toilet. My mum and dad thought i was a bit whacky then too :$ :$ :$ :$ :$

Ok Dafty!!!! ;-) You are ALL over he place, if your posting tells me that GOD help your brain right now! You remember that rhyme when we were kids - "When she was nice, she was very very nice! When she wasn't she was horrible!!!!"? Well that pertains to this guy!! He knows he's on the edge with you, I wouldn't be surprised that he's not rubbing your feet and bringing you flowers!!! There is a name for what he is doing - it is call "The Honeymoon Phase" EVERYTIME someone has done abuse, they will know that they are this close to loosing control of the situation, so all of a sudden its "I'm so sorry honey, I've been an absolute ...hole" "I can't live without you!" "I will respect you and treat you better, I promise on my ..... life!!" etc. etc. "Think about the kids, you know how much they love me, you will devestate them...." He CANNOT be in the house while you are trying to move on!!!!

Imagine cleaning your kitchen floor, OK?, and everytime you clean one spot, you have a HUGE bag of seeping garbage behind you dirtying the spot you just cleaned!!!!!!! - Heh that's a pretty good analogy, I think I will trademark that XD ;-) . It's the same thing hun. How can you move forwar with him still around! You remember the old ball and chain cartoons, How can you make a step with him still tied to you.

AND BELIEVE me when I tell you this Katy OK? Your children will be better off if you and he DO NOT communicate right now. After hearing all the put downs, and the un happiness in that home. I will tell you as god is my witness they have BEGGED - in silence - for you to stand up and protect yourself and them!!!

You are NOT WEAK! You ahve made the 1st step, now you have to continue with those steps, no matter how wobbly you legs are!!! UNDERSTAND?!!! Get him out of the house, police if needed, get a restraining order if needed, and get moving on it. You are ALL over the place, because you are in a fight or flight stage! EVERYTHING negative from your life is surfacing right now. EVERY crappy memory! It your brain and soul purging itself of all the c**p you have been through. You CAN do this! Sit down with him, tell him you can't have htis anymore and ask him to leave. Try talking rational with him. And if it's going bad, shut it down and call the police. I wish you all the luck, and keep talking to me OK! I'm here to listen. And that will be 200 pounds please!!! ;-) XD o.O Good luck Katy!

I was typing a message on my laptop, the cat sat on the web n walk and cut me off. Actually, hes never that nice, not now. Usually I am the one having to do all the apologiding and sorry , it was my fault thing. Do you know though i am worried i started swearing at the chump at my work. he think or seems to give the impressin he is the bees knees...another man grinding me...first of , he cracks jokes like "We cant get the staff these days" oh boy ...I then said your messing with the wrong person...I hate jokes like that now..i cant taje them as I wonder ...actually ...think there is some intent in there. Anyway....yesterday a customer comented ( probably told you this) that he was a horrble person to work with and ..anyway, I am sure I mentioned it.I never stuck up for him and I think he overheard. The thing is i think hees probably ok...but why do all these younger people have no manners. i am 10 yrs older and ..ok I was being a bit naughty cause I was guarding the changing rooms got a bit bored so started colouring in the kiddies pictures. he was not too happy, but I was still doing my job and no one , not one customer got neglected and God the laughs I have with most of them ...It s quite good that way...But I started to swear at him Glad he didnt hear I would have got sacked on the spot do thid do that Katty...Meanwhile hes chit chatting with someone his own age and not dong anything himsself. So i was d o thi s so that Katy...( f off) under my breath...also he has seen me come in and howl and thenn cuddle me ...but this ..makes me feel more yuck...as I think you pig. You really do not care...and I do not want to tell you anything about my prsonal life, and I certainly do not want to know about yours....considering hes not oh better not disclose that info. just no manners. He just needed to say pls, or thank you ...that would get my respect.

Sorry waffling a bit, just think I am yeah all over the place angry, thencrying , not seeing peole for how I normally would and Ive been so paranoid lately , Like someone is watching me ( yeah,,,ha ha...your bosses doh!)

Ok side tracked there...I know your right I just do not want to get any more hurt ...but know that this is so messy that inevitably I will . i just keep putting it off. god before I know it my head will be a football in leith ( Shouldnt joke about that These hings happen) sorry.....anywayshit just disclosed hwere I live heck whoops.Anyway, even this not getting dinner or feeling welcome when his father is around is @@@@ and just cant cope. cant but help think that thers something wrong with me. he keeps telling me that my moods are so all over the place and ....see the thing is Ive been in this situation for some time, so what if I cant find Katy again.

Okay...feeling a bit woozey, like I am goign to throw up at the moment. Why does this have to feel so bad? its just not right and why cn men walk away and never seem too bothered. Iam always the one that gets dumped to...this is the first time Ive ever had to be on the other side..Not that ive had that many relationshipssaying as i met this man when i was 21. anyway, must go..i hope your good your such a fab support for me...i also lev that movie Bambi, One of my favourites. take care....and if anything happens..which it might..I might spontaneously conbust ( ha ha0 or just act with some Well, I just hope I just keep thinking about the bad things to get myself out..thinkabout what hes doen to stop myself feeling guilty but finding that that makes me sick!" Must go take care and thank your for your support. SorryI am really tried!

Dear Katy: I am SO worried about your mental state right now, you are ALL over the place. I want you to read what I'm about to write, slowly and think about what I'm trying to say and how it relates to your life OK?

When you come from a demeaning or abusive background - either from being a little girl or yesterday - you have this personna for everyone else. What I mean by that is this, when I was little I was called "YOU SILLY LITTLE GIRL!!!!!!" Let me tell you, if ANYONE talks to me like I'm stupid or talks down to me or thinks they are better than me! IT NEVER turns out well for that person!!! o.O XD I can strip them bare within seconds, I have become GREAT at words that will take your breath away. And you know why Katy?! Because these stuck up SOB's mean nothing to me, so they become the persons that did that to me - understand! That is why you are taking it out on your workmates and bosses. What you might have taken before is NOW a no go! You will rip them apart if they look at you funny or say the wrong thing, because you are HERE on the edge of loosing it. TOTALLY Get that!!

You ARE "paranoid" right now, and I'll tell you why! When you have endured soul crushing abuse, you have to play the game! You have to show people that your still the good old Katy everyone knew and loved. But yet you HAVE changed and you don't know how to become the same old Katy with EVERYONE knowing your dirty little secret!! And I say "Dirty little secret" because that is what abuse, and addiction are. You will always hear people saying "You HAVE to keep it in the family!, You better not tell anyone or else, If you tell anyone no one will believe you, They will take you away etc. " That's how abusers of ANY kind get away with it! I'm sure you read headlines, where people say "He was such a great guy! And upstanding citizen, He was a priest and a wonderful man......etc. etc. " THEY are the ones that can get away with it. People like your guy on the other hand, MIGHT not be so upstanding in the community, so then it's another look at it. It is people thinking "For God's sake why doesn't Katy leave him?", "From what I hear she asks for it", "He told so and so that she punches him and he can't retaliate etc." So the community, family and friends, start to pull away from the REAL victim, which in itself is even more victimizing! ALSO another point to this is this, if you have stated to your friends and family time and time again they eventually tune you out, they too loose faith and respect for you. Because it's the case of Peter Crying Wolf! It doesn't have ANYTHING to do with you personally, it has to do with their own feeling on how you should be dealing with it. HOW THEY dealt with it, and their history.

So what to do now, you might be acting too quickly for your liking! OR you might be seeing how far he is willing to go!! OR your are trying to find some inner strength that you don't know is still there, to complete this important mission! I would say it is the last one.

I truly think you need to get some help from a doctor to get your thoughts in order and to stop your panic attacks! Because that is what I think is happening to you right now, you are having a panic attack! You are frightened and scared, that is a HUGE sign of stress and panic. Do you know that I have been TERRIFIED of the dark all of my life! If anyone was to say something to me when I am walking to my bedroom at night, I think I would pass out! THAT is from my past! So it is the same for you! When you have abuse - this is going to sound crazy - but there's a sense of normalcy with that!! Do you understand? It's like you know your place in the relationship, that he wont be going anywhere! It's a weird feeling. So when you ARE ready to make a break for it, then it is TERRIFYING, because you don't know what is going to happen right? What you have to think of is this "If I'm on my own, is anyone going to call me this or this, and is anyone going to hurt me? etc. etc." So there is your answer! Write it all down Pros and Cons. And remember this too OK Katy?!!! Even Hitler, Stalin, penis Cheny ;-) etc. had their good sides!!! They can't be evil all the time!!!!! Because then they would forget how to act infront of decent people. So OBVIUSLY he has his moments. But the part of you that still cares for him, that part HAS to say this "I still care about him and he HAS to be as UNHAPPY as I am" I think if you put it too him that way, he might just see the light too and make the whole thing easier!

So take a breather and see if you do need something to help you- I am a great believer in natural so St. Johns Wart is a good one. Just to help you with all of this. And keep me in the loop OK? Best of luck hun!

I just wrote one of the most longest replies evra and it explianed everything/ "Peter crying wolf" ..okay to sum up cause ive been here for nearly 2 hrs and i got "crital error -try again"...Peter crying is wolf is what people thout I was doing when I was being stalked. I was stalked by a very nasty thing, that bange on my window and was so clever he only ever did it when I was on my won.. I ws terrified. thsi man banged on my window, sent me undergorund clock work orange tickete, with natsy grotesque messages of all the thing he wanted to do do to me. O ther students disced me for being sucja stupid ocw "How could someone so cleve get in such a mess" she really stupid...Used to get pissed cause I was too scared to go home. So then after working on essays and stuuf decided to go clubbing..i became the handbag sitter. On my way out i was escorted home by what I thought looked like a handsome amdn,,,low and behold I had no idea what he was capable, and hai know n then what I know now...had I knkow n then I would have acted faster...btu I feelmore trapped here

Chilred, him and its all the same evento the point that hes tried to strangleme to the int he knew this, and so on ..Ive got too andmaybe explain more later.

Sorry a bit gutted my lasy message got lost. It had everything in it...gone...all gone.

Ive the docotrs today Cant get a sitter, and dont knkow how I am going to tel him that Ive been bad cause I am on librium to get off lacohol. Oh anyway, Might come back...just a bit upset my lst message has vanished. Bambi id give you loads of money to assay thank you to you..sory I cant, but thak you massively, Katy

Everything you have said ( Ive read it and read it 3xs to be exact, is esactlt ghow it is. here and now i know its been bad hard foe me and just read someone trying to tell me "to pull myslef together"it angers me. That coment angers me, as usually I am hard on myself. But this, this , is nto me. Ifeel like I am not being hard enough on myself and I need to be told to Pull myself together-youve got kids. I understand why poeple are saying that. i truly do..Its more. I hurt like &&*&*&*&*&*&*&*cause of my children....I have got somewhere, whethter drunk or not..Ive managed to speak to him ...Tell him what I want. cause he sees it I am the one tearing the family aprat. I am the selfish one. That is how he sees it

That lengthy post you sent me is probably the most reassuring thing Ive read in a very long time. Though..I now have to get on with today...and this I am finding hard. Things arer popping in my head. total fear. i fear..i am doing all this and he willl strike again...and its just like before when I was attacked...no one can do anything until theres evidence.and then there is the fact that this is my chiildrnes dad. They love their daddy and I love them tha most in the world and cant hurt them like that . Argh!!!!!! :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-(

sorry Bambi, realy not feeling with it... I am reading these paperes...The parental responsibilites and parents right s agreement........

..."...that the mother who has parental responsibilities and rights and the child's father who is not married to her have both agreed that the mother should share her parental responsibilities and righs with the child's father"

"To make the agreement the mother and father have to complete a special form together, sign it before witnesses, and register it with the Registers of Scotlan


IN MY BOOK AND AFTER EVERYTHING THIS MAN HAS DONE.....No!!!!!!!!!!!He can say and do what he likes...he has NO PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIESA. i BELIEVE IT IS IN MY CHILDS BEST INTERESTS TO PROTECT THEM. I think the fact that he nevr saw having children a WORRY, HOUSING CHILDREN A WORRY, PROVIDING FOR CHILDREN A WORRY...IS enough for me to say F off matey. Bambi..is this my crazy bad head again , or am i right in thinking this. If i dont sign he cant take me to court.....

I am a bit better today...distant though ..and sore sore side. But ive not cried..Im just thinking how nice I could make my house obnce hes gone. I mean hes never let me do it how I wanted it...and the kitchen and two toilets well they are the most disgusting. But hey looking forward to a new kitchen and getting a microwave...thats a positive.

Must admit....I am scared about all of this. But even just having asked me to sign these papers makes my blood boil. I was good enough to have children with ( perhaps an experiment as all he ever wanted was a boy) not good enough to marry , just torture!!! Oh Am I doing the right thing...sh*t here we go.....Maybe I should take my thirs tablet now..If id just bloody well rember to take them and if hed just work night shift Id be off that other stuff completely!!!!!!Shame on me...theres no excuse for it..I canrt go blaming other people fro the fact i enjoty a glass of wine or 2 at night.

Fed up. Worse than ever, actually felt more suicidal walking home. Go for help , they send you somewhere, go for more help and so on...Realluy we can only help ourselves. Pfff! Ive decided toNOT sign that bloody awful form. Ive decided that ....some man wrote it anyhow...and all men disgust me. Reallyfed up.....I just wish I had been a bit more honest with my doctor and had not protected my partner back for so long( how could why was i so fiiiiiing stupid!!!!)

Honestly I want him to beat me balck and blue so I can get him banged up. I really do...think Illl make it my mission as I feel that no one gives a sod anyway. Its doent matter what you report...f**k it...It really does not...My partner has not just hit me...I just didnt wnat to discuss what the hell he did to me....why would I want to talk about it...Im so fed up, Kids happy playing at friends. there the only thing that stops me form doing something silly

No one gets it.O give up. he can do wtf he wants I dont care anymore. There just isnt anyone here , or there just doesnt seem to be any point to abny of it anyway.

Dont know ...had a lengthy conversation with my doctor. But feel it s got me no where...apart from the fact I shouldnt sign anything because I am a complete loosing pisshead. great!!!!

Nah...well theres always suicide. At least theyll have one happy parent diddling along...Got what he wanted and the kids dont have to wtch me suffer anymore. That sounds llike the best plan yet.

Or i could get a htman...hmmm, that sounds better!!!

Just thinking how c**p this world is. We need the evidence.........this reminds me of something elseIve been throught. Gof I am going to get into forensixs if I survive this

Hmmm-dont thin I explained myself to my docotr verywell thinking about it. Also I dont know how I am going to cope. Ive been taking librium and he sated that I should just keep the left overs till anothr tiem /when things at home are a bit more stable. I am thinking now..sh*t but how the hell do I get through this patch..eh,,,and he didnt call me a pisshead either ..I wa sjust feeling pissed off.I think he doesnt wor didnt want to give me anymore drugs as he knows I will drink now and then with al of this going on.

I tried to discuss that paer to him about about the 1995 parental responsibily act...I dont even thin I did that well. Anyway. so stressed. when my Gp suggested that I had suggested tohim that my partner had hit me....Ididnt say he tried to hit me..I had told him about tha incident whenI had been sober and my partner llurched at me and put both his hands round my neck I ended on the hall screaming...that was 2 yrs ago..or was it not...not sure lost track of tim ea long time ago. My partner had also made me do things in bed,,,,,mad////One tim ehe came home so pissed and tried to force himself o me..I dont want to go into detail but that was before it really al started to ( excuse the pun, kick off.

I feel like Ive not been heard I feel ike ive not only waisted these people time but also my own and have nothing in my favour set up now as I thought I had. Does that make any asense..?

I also had so much feelelings going on for him and so on , that I guess Ive not given the full picture to the professionals yet Ive been up and down ato doctors , con, womens aid and no one seems to be able to say ...You are drinking cause you are very anxious and very scared...thats the way you handle your emotion.....and you are only doing it cause of the abuse. Him abusing you is also effecting the children so in turn, hes abusing his children and that surely makes my argument a lot stronger. Also crying on the phone withmum ,,,,she says ,,Katy , I watched you nurse your babies, and he didnt even seem to care who swa the mental abuse..I have seen it over and over and she said....I am here for you..and more...she said.if hes doing that in front of me and your dad and others then what the h does he do to you behind closed doors. So luckily I have my mum ( Thank god she sok). This is a nightmare. i felt so bad after ranting on here, that ive been lying on my bed holding my stomach cause its just aches from my enotional hurt. Noone seems to be able to helpp..I dont seem to be getting there-do I? Dont get me wrong I understand my docotr hasd millliions of patienets and want rmeber everything of the top of his head..but thought it would be in my files..I dont know...Maybe Ill never go back to that surgery again....maybe I just feel kie giving up...Either wy, its a NO WIN situation. i hurt my children regardless. Thats killing me too. Must go Bambi..sorry been such a b***h today and you must have your own set of probs...everyone does..Just wanted to let some steam out here. I feel really incredibly down..I dont ..no I did..Ifellt xactly the same when I was watching my grandad died, as I was really close to him..Its the exact same feeling..but worse cause their my babaies :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-(

These papers were printed from the internet. my partner has not seeked legal advice, so maybe my lawyers right. maybe I should just sign ..and if things get bad follow it through.Play his game, and the abuse wills eep through. Courts lawyers , the rest, theyll see it..without much question. Ive just asked him and shaking and crying, how long would it be for youto go if I sign..Hes said 4 weeks. In those 4 weeks although I have no evidence....Illl shift my bug bum to womans aid and maybe see my doc or rather phone the por man to go back on anti depressants, cause I cant see me being able to work in this state and even though I was trying to explain that he could make my life hell ysigning these papers.....I cant drive etc...( imean if I were to play a game of tennis , id never hit the ball) so, just incase he thinks he can use these sh*t documents as a measure to claiming custody over my children I am going to make damn sure that everyone knows what hes done...with a clear head. Does that make sense Or wam I making it even mroe difiicut by signing.


Actually , Ive got it....its just clicked. right Ill say Ill sign these papers on the day you move out (lol) and by that time everything will be recorded...does that sound evil?

Dearest Katy: If someone has told you to "pull yourself together" Then that means it is THEY who cannot cope with listening to your life! They haven't the foggiest clue how to deal with your situation. So don't listen to that. It has taken 32 years for you to be like this right? Now just think it is going to take a few months for you to unravel all the thoughts you are having. PLEASE PLEASE don't think about suicide Katy! That is not the answer, you might think it is in a moment of despair. But the consequences that your children and family members have to live with for the REST of their lives,, is beyond imagination.

What you need to do is write things down. Because when you go to the doctors they need to know why you are seeing them. AND what the outcome is - that you are looking for. I have all the patience in the world to help you deal with this Katy. They have 15 minutes at a time. Your doctor is not going to help you with legal advice. As your lawyer cant help you with medicines!! Right? So go to the doctors with just ONE thing in mind. The 1st is to get you on a anti anxiety medication, or something to calm you down - not stone you out. You WILL have to stop drinking when on these though. Believe me you wont really have the need anyway to drink. I know this 1st hand. I read another post you put up the other night, I would hazzard a guess you were extremely drunk while writing it. That worried me BIG time, alchohol, drugs and sex are tools for us to escape. The thing is with you - and your situation - is that if you continue to get so pissed! Then you might loose your children So think of this 1st OK?

I have never been a supporter of a parent keeping the children away from another parent. ONLY if there has been abuse towards the children. I think you can open a HUGE can of worms if you do not allow him to sign the paper. I do however, totally agree with you stating to him - even have the lawyer do it, that he has to move out before you can sign the papers. IF he refuses to leave, talk to the council about getting your own place with the kids! There's another option right? So please know that there are ALWAYS options. What really ticks me off here, Katy, is that you doctor not taking your bruises further. Here in Canada if a woman shows up with bruises to a hospital or a clinic, the doctors HAVE to report any suspected abuse to police. So IF and I really underline IF, he abuses you again you phone those police as quickly as possible. No secrets this time!!!

I do think you need to go back on the anti depressants, just know alcohol IS a depressent and if you drink on them your liver will turn on you so fast for doing that to it!

One thing at a time, one day at a time. See that light at the end of the tunnel Katy? It's not a train coming at you XD o.O It's your future, you just have to get more and more control of your issues - one at a time!! then you WILL be at the light sooner than you can hope for. I know this Katy! It all can't be done at once, there are stages, there are people, there are hoops, and there IS help!!! You just have to write down things for each person/organization. Think of it as a grocery list OK? You are not going to go to the butchers and ask for cabbage right? Same thing, the people and organizations need to know what they can do for your right NOW, the most important things 1st. THEN after that, you can go back to them again, with the other points. Specialists, lawyers, doctors, don't like to be overwhelmed with info. And they definitely don't want to fail at their jobs, so if you are bombarding them with different things they are bascially set up to fail right? Think of it as starting a new job, you boss tells you EVERYTHING you will ever need to know, says "Good Luck" and leaves!! NOW it is up to you to run the business well and remember everything they just said! Same scenario.

So don't give up, things will get better. Once you are clear headed and things are in order, things will be far better and clearer for you. Good luck hun and of course I'm always here - YES it's true I don't have a life XD o.O ;-)

Right,I am Katy and you are Special bambe27...I am hurting like no grief has hurt me before. Ill let ou KNOW to about that....Ok...Ive quizzed my partner ...it took tears and 2 shitty glasses of wine ( but hey, before i get disced for that) iI did it for confidence,i would not hav been capable of asking those questions without it.

Right, he want go , till I sign these papers...to me..well.the way I see it..its like asking me for marriage and then a divorce..I am not married to his man ( thankfully) and I really do not get how my lawyer did not suggest that really.I should not...( the way I feel , he did notdeserve my cildren in the first place) tHes never hurt them or abused them in anyway..but he is a very sarcastic man..a very hold back...cause if you tell theyll only hurt you ( His theory).Okay..I am very very unclear as to what to so. I think it unfair and more damaging to my children to have to move and then commute to school.....this is there home for gos sake..this is what they know as home..so why should I??? Thats why I am so dissapointed in the system ...people teling me to move. i dont want my children to be as unsettled as I am. i would never wish that on anyone, secondly i feel tsmy rght to stick my footing..theere is so much more abuse than I have reported to professionals because I was so mixed up ...I really do not know what snapped or what made me snap...maybe it was as I was hopsitalised..maybe beacsue he still hurt me after it...maybe because I have to deal with this. i amfinding it so hard, so hard, il oed himso mcuh..I loved himt o apoint hat I thought I could forgive.

If i give you my email adress and passwors you could see the bruises..Believ me,,its not pretty and because I was so pissed and I reckon my cat was trying to portect me. he slike that. Animals are not stupifd eihtere. for instance tonight. I felt so drained and depresed went to bed. didnt mean to fall asleep but did..he was there all cuddily..bless him!

I understand why someon should shout "pull yourself together TOTALLY"they do not want me to loose my childen either, believe me, neithr do i....i am just scared...I mean manipulative bastarsds are vrery good at there job...Ive made mayn a story pup about Hitler in my head...maybe he was put up to it...held at ransom who knows but ..at the end of the day he was so manipualtive his country had to abide by his rules..whether they wanted to or not-do you know what I mean here?

Made may an excuse, but its like my drinking...theres no escuse for it. i can blame othrs till I am blu dead or undergorund..theres noesecuse..I just can thandle th eway i feel..crying..sweating and sometimes unable to move. Sometimes snappie sometimes so ashemd, sometimes w..well you allready know ..thinking id be better of dead. anyway,, ireally appreciate your kind words....and one day I hope I can write to you with some extraordinary good neew, lots of love to you Bambi , Katy.x ///nigh night.

Hi Katy: IF he stated that he wont go till you sign the papers, this is good. Have the lawyer do up the papers and have him do up a paper stating that he will leave the premises, AND that if he does NOT comply you will file charges of abuse against him! You have pictures, you have hospital records, so he should know that HIS future is on the line right now, IF he does not comply. AND never hand him that information, that info should be kept safe with your lawyer. You are right about not moving, and I was just stating that so he would be left on his own. So don't think with revenge OK? I know easier said than done! BUT that just brings another hurdle. He can actually take you to court about access, and why put yourself through more. The less you show him the less he can react too! Understand? This isn't just grief for you Katy, it is revenge, rage, betrayal, embarrassment, disgust etc. It's EVEYR crappy feeling you can ever have. BUT it WILL pass!! Just don't get vindictive with it, this will hurt EVERYONE!! My sister has just gone through something similiar for 7 years!!!!!!!! IT was tit for tat and just spewing left and right. They eventually were made by the judge to work it out, or they might take their son from them!!!! So anyway have a good sleep, wake up refreshed and be better everyday OK? God Bless Katy

Honestly, everything reallly hurts today...and I know my children must be ffeling something.

yes, you are right....I shall reschedule an appointment with ym laywer...it will have to be end of next week as I have work commitments and my mum is taking my children away for a couple of days.( Give the poor souls a break fom miserable me)..Cant stop crying..but then sometimes it goes I then feel guilty foor not feeling the pain (Mad!)

He doesnt seem to care. men are like tha thtough..why is that? Its just like there was never any emotional involvement..and as thoughhe doesnt give a damn? Why and how do men do that? And...that makes me feel more used.

The problem with me...is If I get angry..I tend to cry or just end up sweaty and ill . I see no point in fighting. Fighting with him is very very scary and also...I may not wake up...mind you , I think I mentioned tha tto my doctor...I mentionaed tha term...it salmost like "I want him to come and get me" so that I can fix things fast! I guess thatss a sure sign that I am not mentallly right..Though seeeing the light right now by sayign that. Your last message ( apart from that abot your poor sister...7yrs!!!!!) Thatd make me 40...your pooor sister..thats so not good...thenthere is the adjusting..and the not knowing whta to expect or how I will feel...

Right okay,,,,I should make notes from you rlast message as it clears a few thing up for me...and also makes me feel a bit better....In 4 weeks I could fel safe again...I could even wear some make up without being slagged. ill be able to sleep and not worry about him coming near me..ill be able to eat when and at the table with my childrn..Ill be able to teach my children how to respect things ( WITHOUT loosing my rag ) at them ..thats something that annoys me to...They are learning how to be direspectful with not only materila thing, but each other. I am almost excited sometimes abot getting out...but them and everytime I see my children ...ouch!!!

When I see his face though..I see a very ill man...I think e is ill. I think hes been so damagedby his past and too silly to do anything about it, that makes him well more daft than me.

Okay...Id better go ...I am finding this har though ..and what ifI know this sound so so so stupid....what If i miss him too much....and I KNOW for a FACT that I will be scared on my own (again!) Anyway, thank you bambi..at least youve understood anf not just said Toughen up and deal with it. Youve understood...and actually just helped me get here..I am just scared though and stomach churning. I willl need to be told now and then I am doing the right thing...sometimes I doubt i am due to what I wanted and due t o my own experiences...but thats slfish!!!Okay, must go...Looks like a nice day out there too.take care, Katy