I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Cant breath as my nose is stuffed up yet again %-) Keep loosing my balance, and though I thought this ccould be aninner ear ting,,,I realise whatever it is i, it is connected to panic o.O o.O Cause I had a panic attack going to solicitors...Though was fine speaking to him ..But oh dear what a situation :$ :$ :$ 8-| ..and oh dear ...I dont think its done me any favours :-( Though...Either way...whether my partner goes ..or I have to take my childrne and go..I am ready to do it. The more I spoke about my ridiculous passesd and what ive been up to o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O The more I think, right thats it...GET OUT!!!!!

Problem howveer, I dont hink I do have enough for an interdict rport to be placed on him, and that, in itself should be illegal XD XD XD XD XD I mean...what does it take...Its the same ol...When I left more panic and then shaky and then really dizzy...had to get the cjhildren from school and really did not want to speak to anyone.(God my knows-sorry nose its throbbing...does hayfever make your nose throb and eyes itch ...My nose feels like its getting bigger with it as well) XD but unfortunately I aint no Pinnochiio...yeah I put my pictures on facebbok,,and yeah it does not look like my cat did it...But rproblem bein gis I cant remeber....see had that been him and had all this been on his feet...he would have lied just like he lies about what I do ...what I think ..or how I think .....or what I do...what Ive been up to and so on...Why did I not think of that???????? :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( Wondering if this is an ear infection...so dizzy and kidneys are sore...anyway..I hope you okay Bambi...Mums coming over an I need to get myself organised . I know I am doing the right thing..I am I am I am, but I just want it to end. And thats another thing....everyone bantering on about how I COULD get out, get a new house.Thisds is my gals home...this is the place they know and where they both hva e grown up//I would love to rewrite law...Why did no one tell me about this situation before I signed the lease here...Why did I not think about it 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| Anyway, better go play with the gals...take care, Dafty.

OK...he said"Its you thats splitting up this family"......Its you thats splitting up this family.....so sign that parental agreement, and I will go...Ill take bla bla bla||\

Is he STUPID????????? I know, it does take two to tangoo, and I know he likes to tango XD XD with himself and thinks we were happily partying along but HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! oK...GL;AD iwrote that here, not shouting about it..Just no point..............But it take some for it to work and some things for it not towro.k......surely I am doing the right thing and the right thing for my little girlss????????????????????/ Please tell me, I am not a home wrecker and THIS iS ALL my FAULT!!!!!!!

Okay, there is this thing...weve both been bad. hes abused me, ive dont things like ..well the only way Iknew how..Got completely pissed...try and talk to him that way..At least , if it went hay wire, well Id either be too drunk to remeber, not have to face the reality.

I did nothing today, apart from tell my solicitor..THE TRUTH!! Some of me thinks I wished id lied to get out this situation quicker- but the problem being, I never wanted this for my children...as you know. But on the other hand there is this episode.....Right , Id been on my own and had lloked after the children.They were tucked up in bed sound asleep..I dont know why I write this hear...maybe as I know that Ive not reported this..I was to ashamed, and hiding behind a cloth... avery moth ridden one...but trying to hide it.

My partner or ex, well hed gone out got ridicously drunk...I rember opening the dorr for him, to let him in.. I dont know it was al so fast, but is the main reason why I asked for marriage/couples counsiling. Ok, he ttripped me up, really to be honest ..I cant reallyr emeber..I just remeber him trying to rip my clothes of, and he succeeded in some measures..and then the usual coment"Come on, you know you want it"..I by this time was crying, but quietly.I had said NO, and that all I wanted to do was got to bed. He still carried on, but was completely pisst..which in itself was a mercy..propbaly would not have even ..anyway, who cares, he triedit,,I remeber being half naked and just crawling from under him ..He had fallen asleep. My strengh is not that great, but I was feeling so hut,,,,and I remebr thinking I will never ever tell anyone anything about my past. Anyway, I felt realyy hurt...he was in the hall unconscious, I remebr, crying and endlessly crying, and I kicked him..then went to bed.leavving him on the hall floor.

He woke the next morning, unaware..then I had to tell him, and then he was all apologetic. But hey theres the main reason why I could never ever go to bed with him again...theres the reason i could never trust him again..and that is the reason its ended this way.

He says he has no recollection. well tough..I know what he did. Anyway, hes done worse, but that was at my own drunken dissrespectful self.....I never wanted to report or speak of it, so I never ever did. Even when my GP asked"Has he ever raped you?"..Well there..thats what he did..He didnt rape me because I was sober enough to climb out of it...But even the word rape petrified me, and to be honest I dont see him in this light. All I see is this..we are bad for each other...so end it. Sorry , just wanted to tell exactly what was going on. I dont feel any better for it, as its the same old..the same His words against mine and so on. But I am not a liar...not in that sense.I am nothing but honest..and I would not lie. I am just so annoyed about everything, and really..nevermind me deserving what I got..really , no one should be treated in that way. i totally believe that. Anyway, just wanted to let you know......I cant blame the hospial incident non him as I will never be sure as to how it happened..thats why I guess I told on him!!! HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, yeah what a position. And then in my head I go back to when we had children and how well with the 2nd one we were so close...and it eats me up..but pls tell me I am doing the right hting. Pls. I know Ive done some silly things,I know I should never have slapped him one,, but and I am not makng any excuses ( actually I am ) but I did due to all of it..all my pent up frustrations. Hey look I know , I am not stupid, you or me or no one should ever be violent, but it had gone to far, and I hurt too much!

Soory, "it an all about me book" so sorry, but just wanted to tell.

Ok Dafty: I have 3 dogs and 3 cats, can you tell me how the hell would a cat give you 2 black eyes? o.O IMPOSSIBBLE!!! So file a "Interdict Report" and get the ball rolling. These people are proffessionals, they know what to ask, what to look for etc. AND NO MORE Secrets Katie!!! ZERO!! Because if you go to the authorities, and hold back certain information, you can never go back, PLUS there is the Peter Crying Wolf! Right? He raped you! It doesn't matter if he was drunk out of his skull, he rapped you and you have blocked it over. You say EVERYTHING he has done - the brutal truth only. Not the little stuff Katy, like not taking the garbage out etc. Write it ALL down, all the dirt all the "forgotten" if it isn't clear write it down. And if you can't say it, pass them the paper. If you have dates and witness's write em down.

Also regarding you nose - that sounds like hayfever or allergies. It's not related to panic. Just the shaking, dizziness, vertigo, heart etc. Heck Katie, If panic affected your nose, I would be able to turn on the light, while I was sitting here!!!! LOL ;-) XD o.O

Your not a home wrecker or splitting up the family, he will use whatever is needed - such as bringing in the guilt of you breaking the "family unit". Your right this is YOUR house, the reason why I and others have said that, is because if he can't be removed from it, you leaving is the only option. One of my dearest friends, left in the middle of the night with the clothes on her back and her kids! So there is ALWAYS a way out! Get your "ducks in a row" that means getting all the information down. So you don't forget anything, seek professional help regarding all of this. And move forward. Good luck hon, and take an antihistamine for your "nose" ! ;-D

o.O :-) Do your cats and dogs get on? 8-| 8-| 8-|

I need to toughen up. \i really do?

A cat can give you 2 balck eyes. XD Yes....They pounce on your head , as if you have ( I dont know a dead rat coming out of your ear), and then burl around on the top of your head....with their knife like claws, and then they hold on for dear life. meanwhile..... :-S :$ o.O theres me,,trying to work out why there is so much blood everywhere and why there is a cat on top of my head

Anyway, this is the thing. mum came over yesterday...and my poor mum....i didnt mean it...but she waffles on and on aand on about the condtion of material things....and I just go ...........................SCREAM........and even though she doesnt deseve it...I shouted at her..Cant remebr what or why......And XD XD XD XD the I said..."Mum it didnt stop you from shouting at me, so what make you the better person?" Then walk out the room o.O :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( So she sipped her tea and went all quiet on me. Evetually I got together and calmed, but sh e will just sit there as alwayas and she even refuses to take money off of my partner as she thinks that helps THE FAMILY.. Thinks that why I got annoyes and shes all nicey nicey with him ...to the point I want to shake her a nd say"Mum you have and you never will listen to me!" he left the house and then I discussed some stuff. Ok,, I guess my mum is like me ( in a way) I guess she is trying to cover all possibilities, andnot pre judge anyone...But I am her daughter. It really hurts......If i thought and pls...whoever you are...Pls Dawn. never let me forget tis...because..If one of mychildren were in this positon..Id be straight in there..getiin them into a flat and just help ( for a little) I get so annoyed that way... Then I think,,, maybe its as :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) I am an ADULT and I am the creator of this mes, maybe that why she want help. I dont know. But I would not want to talk to my daughters partner at all-so do not understand her kindness.....ouch now shes givenme her tummy bug....Id beetr dash.....Take care, and thank you...I shall be needing all the luck I can get!

Thats just the thing. I dont hink my partner did do that to me that night...i dont knwo what happened....but I can honestly say.I dgone to my bed with a levelish head.(.like one more shift at work and Ill be on holiday with the kids).......My only explanation is this...I went to sleep and he walloped me one with a golf stick...or I went to sleep and ...see I dont know..i could have hurt myself while sleeping.............I JUST DONT KNOW!!!!

USUALLY these htings sobber me up anyway, but Iguess I must have gone o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O and (doh!!!!) Anyway, dont want to talk about it!!!

@yr old next door...all he syas is F U CK and the you ..thats it...all day morning no...alld day..Its not right, hes onlly 2. I really dont feel great today........dont know.I thought Id be better than this. Afterall, its the only move on that I can make to start to breathe again, but I jsut cant believe that people can and are sos o horrible.... I alwasy tend to meak reason for someones behaviour, but doesnt do you fair ewhen people can be so so so disgusting...and I need to keep that word in my head. yes....oh daddy, mummy called you a B.....d....yes, I remeber saying that (my very own words as a child)....Hmm.lost the plot completely now.

So angry with him today...

He told me to ...erm keep some dowling.....amd me hummmmmmmmmmmmmm..went calmly......."Why would I want to do that? Theres ebnoughRUBBISH in this house , too much for me to daea;l with" Yes it was targeted towards hm, and thats not normally like me, but so anggry.........

I think every dish in my kitchen is waiting on Katy to clean them.......grrrrrrrr!!!!!! feel like smashing them all up...then no ne can dirty a dish and no one can mess them up and ..I guess I better not...there are quite a few missing from my last episode...so maybe want.

i dontknow!.....I give up.

i ate so much today and felt soguilty i took loads of slimming pills and laxative..My things are due and that snot helping.....the thin is,I am worried that I just re-lived that horribleevent in my headand thats why I battered my own head off of everything. I amhurt and annoyed at him , because hes so manipulative,and calous. I catn make head nottial of anything.

Just wish, i could stopr berathing adn then wake to ..THIS NEVER HAPPENED!

aNYWAY, my eldestsaid to me "daddy want move out, so we have to go"I cuddled her tight,dady said"mummy is filling oyour head with poisoin:Sorry :-( :-( but hed agredd to leave! Right I am going to bed, i hope to god I dont have to wake,,,but I think my children are bril so I aint that stupid,,,just feel so scared! Sorry, Im not sure if you can undrstand, but ifeeel really sick

You know what someone told me a few weeks ago? "You will NEVER understand her, or why she does what she does, you are NEVER going to change her, so just change how you deal with it or it will drive you crackers!" I took that advice and low and behold this person no longer gets to me even a little. And that is what you have to do, he and others will never change, you can't understand it, so you just have to change how you handle it! You are MAD at your mom, you are mad that she didn't stand up to your dad, and she is doing the same with your family. She will NEVER change Katy, you have to let that go. BELIEVE ME I know that is harder said than done, but it won't change anything. She is fully aware of the mistakes she has made, and she has to live with that everyday. I want you to call that number again Katy. When you talk about "not waking up" etc. you make me VERY concerned! You need some help RIGHT NOW! Not next week, and stop making excuses. He can take care of the kids for awhile. And especially if it is by a doctors orders. You have to become HEALTHY - I'm not talking about being "strong" for whatever that means - Just Healthy! Healthy thoughts, actions, etc.

Don't take laxatives and pills OK? If you are still on an anti depressent, these aren't good for you. Anyways, who cares if you stuffed a whole chocolate cake?!!! If your period is due, there a millions of women right now around the world, Gorphing on Dairy Milk bars and Flakes!!! ;-) XD I think Mr. Cadbury invented Milk Chocolate to keep his PMSing wife happy!!!!! XD 8-| :-D ;-)

I have been attacked by cats, dogs, and other animals too many to mention or believe! NEVER got a black eye by one. Unless you are talking about him jumping off a wardrobe and totally landing it's feet RIGHT into your eyes. The chances are virtually nil. You are just in protection mode, not so much protecting him, you are protecting yourself, because if you actually state what happened, your brain can't believe it, and you become embarrassed and shocked that the real YOU allowed that.

Get some help Katy, phone whatever mental health line you can. I checked out that one and it did seem to cover all that I think you need. Your kids want you back - YOU!!! Feel better K!

Gosh- you come out with some really good advice. Just wondering though -why you want or spenf time helping me. i am thinikning "why do they put up with me?" People putting themselves down annoys. let alone the way I am I annoyt myself.

Sometimes ...and Ive heard becca say this///"Mummy I am rubbish"..I am always staright in their...trying to boast her...but it doesnt seem to matter, no metter how hard i try , for her to see that shes very pretty , intellgent adnok she is different form other children ...shes WILD!!! But ok, I am biast but in mher I see this true beaty and ( as I see it in my other daughter-but shes really confident)...Oh --just made breakfast and its just not good/

this is another thing.men seen to me to be altogether more rational than woman-well at face value. Women se to be all over the place with emotion///I think thats cause they see al shades of greys and the lines between the shades are so well blended in it just get s really messy. Dont know if you know what i am wittering gon about?I do think that this is a deeper set emotion thing....due to the way our bodies are built and our inner instinct to protect our children . I mean ti is righ tis it not.that we go through the menopause once weve done our duty,( actaully Im not sure about tht....some woman cant, some woman choose not and some woman dont want to andoh nee I go on-so I am not so sure about that theory...Ans some woman Anyway, thas a :-S of thinking -is it / I know that book Woman are from Venice and men from Mars-(oh lol) It could be the other way around. Really, the way id like to see it is we are all a mix, and that these theoriesa re rubbish! I cnat believe I am 32 yrs of age and getting my whos and my hows ( still ) muddled up. 8-|

Well, its as though hes tring to butter me up...i enede up stating to him that -or asking ( Must be the Pmt) anyway asking him......Have you compltely forgooten the events of last week. We were watching that show" has britain got talent" 8-| he keeps mking strange statements. and I think SHUT UP and here we go ANOTHER INFAMOUS rant-made by a guy who cant even do a dish,,,,Yes here we go Katy plug up your ears hell only annoyt or try to annoy you...( lol) Was going to say ANNOY THE PANTS OFF OF ME but erm.....not very good idea..... I really do think that woman should be given scribers ......I can barely write today and its ...Well I know what itis, and so does anyone who reads here.....yeah...its as though if he continues to stay here, he will get away with it...That too makes my heart beat so fast i think it may explode out of my chest and makes me angry really angry and then tonight Ill get so angry as his dads coming over and I get shunted tothe side like a piece of dirty old rag. I even questioning how his dad can think it ok-( though having said that hes helped me out a bit in the passed0 anyway...this is another reason why this has to end faster than any other divorce marital breakdown ( whatever youd like to call it) because its like ...well its like the other night of mass confusion..I did try to explain this to my Gp...I think he thinks I am completely mad.but thats just it.....he can be so clever about the way he does things that I can never fathom them out..but when I remeber its like ( DOH!) How could you have fallen for that????????

Ill give you an IE, 2 weeks agao conked out on bathroom floor ( probably told you this) but he came in and placed the bath mat over my head...and anyway, you need not need to know what he did. he did not rape me this time though, more like thought it was funny . Anyway..i was trying to explain .Mind you, at this oint it was not clear. i was trying to explain , that he had started to stragnle me....and even the doctor was questioning what i was telling him ...and that made me want to run......(Dont blame him though , ut theres another event that make me want to scarem....) Im sure I mentionted this earlier......but sometimes things come back and sometimes they dont come back...and thenthere ishis politeness....YET.bizarree, even my mum had said,,,Katy I ve seen it and so on...so why is she so kind to him.?Argh!!!!!! Sorry, there I go again all about me...Other woman have probably got themselveesa career and cured themselves of a dreadful illness, and had 3 childrena , built their own house and learnt to drive, and here I am waffling ona nd on and on about the same old thing...and thats another thing...its such a waist of time...But hes never lost true blood and doesnt really semm to understand the ture pain like that and that .....even if they ar 90 yrs of age it still can hurt like hell..Oh I waffle in a pMt rage. Anyway, thanks for listening and supporting me...I do really apreciate it. The good thing about talking to you here and how it is helping is...i dont go on and on ando nwith the very few friends I have left about this situation -so you are helpping me big styl..I apprectiate that BIG TIME!

Oh..This is mad. An old facebook friend put our Class of photo up...Then and I know thisis truly mad....I looked,It made me cry. there are afew people that have died. theyre are a few thathave done really well for themselves. I looked at me o.O and i know this sounds mental.....but I lookes and even though to me \I look really chubby, i coulsee that was when i wanted to DO things with my lfe..I had motivation and self respect ( bags of it)...The picture must have been taken just before we all left school. Honestly...the poel that knew me then and know me now, well they must just think what a complete F UP shes become. Its true...its so easy to mess up, and its so difficult to tidy upand start from scratch!

Its a nice day. and I cant handle being around him..shame as I am missing my own children. Anyway, went for a bike ride.......The4re are flats that a relative of mine has designed for the Housing association that we are with....i am jiust wondering...( I kknow that theyve probaaly all been taken) but theyre right next to the sea, a supermarket and theyd be brand spanking new o.O ( I know i should not be disclosing this info but maybe it could go in my favour. also thinking about the way he is and what has gone here...Unfortunately i think I am the one going to have to do ythe moving, but ifThere would be a chance this is a definate option. If someone were to say "YES to this Id move as soon as those flats are ginished. In between times I could get my girls used to the thought of moving and practice the schollol run with them ( if they dont want to change schools)

Half of the reason I held back from applying was because we could ened up anywhere..there are some really rough ares and I dont se why we should have to suffer because hes a bullyy

Anyway, my kneesa re agony, and cried for a bit on bike outside, and shaked but then I do that anyway. Hmmmm-Id rather do this than wait on him I guess,,,Hes bloody useless want tell me anything ,,,seems to think its fine the way things are...well stuff him. PLeas I beg anyone who reads this to work out my dream here, cause this place, This flast stiffled with bad memories, and him!

Mt stomach!!!!!!never again!!!!Just done half the kitchens dishes the other half can wait.ive also an ironing thats reaching the roof and cant find the girls school stuff and my stomach is cramping so badly...I smell like (oh nevermind that 8-| 8-| 8-| Ok, ill go and do the ironing.Pointless exercise in this house It really is but Ill give it a try. My first experience with an iron was really bad...yup...i was trying to help my poor mm out and melted her favourite skirt o.O XD yes,,,,its true, I leran the hard way :$ :$

Its almost like Ive got toothache and bottom bit of ear is sore.Anyway, cant handle thissituation and tummy sore.......so lay on my bed with children and watched Marley and me :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( :-( So sad.But I dont take death lightly...Though , bit of a breathrough...I managed to watch a film ( woop woop!) Though I cry when I see a baby , especially newborns and I dont know what that is-thats just living in your dream world or something-but what I am thinking is ...This is my life and If I saty here for the childrens happiness I willl just get worse, and that cant be good reason to stay -can it?

Oh anywaygod hope my stomach not twisted feel s resaly odd, and the idea of eating dinner is making me gag.

Its like I cant handle my children being upset, not in anyway, yet they seem much stronger than me that way, and they are really caring My 9 yr old is thinking :-| I cant cry at these things mummy...itts only a movie..Huh, you should have seeen me weep at ET...the cinema house is still there ( I think) No drownings were reported thought ( phew)

Just read that post about the person with anxiety and worried it might lead him e/her ino a schizo state , me too, but its ben in my family.....and does it arise from the overproduction of serotninn??????? Sorry but jeee whizz, What if I am schizo???? Thats one of the worries I have- It can skip a generation and be processed to another member...oh god pleaes tell me this isn ot that. i am having a very hard time believeing that I suffer from anxiety alone, and a very hard time trying to wrie.....nearly spelt alown instead of alone....(Doh!)

Oh, I need a laugh!