Hi, I'm a teenage girl and I've got a problem, Im not sure whats wrong with me.
I was set up by a bestfriend with her cousin and we talked for ages (via texts etc) and then he asked me out, alright so far. So I know people say that when youre going out it is slightly nerve wracking, well if this is "the norm" then that is an understatment and a half. I think theres something wrong with me because when I saw my boyfriend I- I stopped. I just stopped. not really any better way for me to put it I dont think. I seized up, i couldnt do anything, I wasnt right etc. We play the same sport and I joined the club he plays for but each saturday morning and wednesday night I got so worked up about seeing him I was sick. I hadnt even eaten in a while so it was just water but it was still extremely unpleasent. I couldnt talk to him either, and I mean I coudnt. He tried talking to me at times but I gave short answers (not impolite but still very short) and I turned round and walked away. I did love him, oh trust me, I had feelings fro him BIG time but I was sick a the sight of him. Literally. I was ill in the morning, I got knocking knees and my hands developed a permanent shake. I dont understand why. And I also have social problems, for example i didnt have friends primary 1 to 3 because i didnt make friends, i couldnt, i didnt know how to, I dont understand sarcasm at times, I have an obsession with numbers and counting, I rock backwards and forwards, I like being a loner but I dont want to be, I jsut want to be normal, but I stick out like a sore thumb, I catagorize everything, THAT is why I couldnt talk to my boyfriend, I couldnt catagorize him as a friend after he asked me out as I had more feelings for him than jsut a friend and so i ignored him, I didnt know what else to do.
Why can I not speak to people? Ive gotten better, I have, but I still have problems where I repeat words and phrases, I dont understand body language, I cannot keep a conversation going and I cant express what I feel. If I care about someone I cant show it, I cant and its horrible, its utterly horrible. I feel- I feel like I will never be a good person for a best friend, I will never be a good person for a girlfriend and because of how awful it was with my first boyfriend I dont think I ever want to go through that again. He dumped me and I dont blame him, but it was the month after that that I began to think something wasnt right with me, I never got to tell him why I ignored him, why i literally ran away once, why I could barely look him in the face even though I loved him. I dont understand, please, does anyone understand?? Why am I a freak? why do I ditch my friends at lunch? why do I not understand poeple? Im so scared I will never be able to have a relationship because I mentally cannot cope with it. It made me skip my period for two months I got so stressed. I shun guys that I become friends with who then want to become more. It makes me sick to the core and that shake in my hands has never gone away. Whats wrong with me?